So I found a home group -- a women's open discussion on Sat mornings. It is a wonderful, warm group of women. Yesterday the topic was willingness, and several people mentioned working with their sponsor. One said that the newcomers should strongly consider getting one, soon. How do I do this? I feel like it's asking someone to enter into a very close relationship with me without us getting to know each other. Like moving in together on the first date. And I have a natural disinclination to "burden" people with my problems. I do talk at every meeting, because I don't want to, but I know that's why everyone is there, so I don't feel guilty about dumping on them. But one person who has to listen to me and give me advice all the time? As my husband would attest, it takes an army to get through this thick head. Can't I just rely on the collective wisdom of the group, at least for now?
It's really good idea to get a sponsor, asap. For many reasons...... but here's a few - I'm sure there are some 'things' in your life that would be better shared with just one person. A sponsor will help you through the steps. We, as alcoholics, NEED to learn discipline and a sponsor helps teach us that.
You dont' have to 'move in with them' - you can just 'date' and if it doesn't work out you can find someone else :)
You help a sponsor stay sober as much as they help you therefore "Dumping on" is not an accurate description.....
Just remember the BB tells us "go to any lengths"
Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. BB pp. 89
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by Doll at 09:05, 2008-03-09
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Awesome job getting a home group, and a women's meeting to boot! You may want to consider this perspective on sponsorship: it is an HONOR for a woman to be asked to sponsor a newcomer. Think about it.
A woman out there has worked hard to stay sober and now has many gifts of sobriety and a new sober life. She is grateful every day for what this program has given her. New peace, joy, understanding, mended relationships, new wisdom and courage. Someone out there wants to share this with you, Jc. Some woman out there is waiting to watch you grow, just like her sponsor got to watch her grow and thrive in AA. She will care about all your experiences and struggles, because she understands, like no non-alcoholic can. She will want to share the Steps with you, because she knows she has to give it away in order to keep it.
The Big Book talks about how we alcoholics are like people who have survived a great shipwreck. Being survivors, we do not quickly lose the joy of having been rescued from the dangers and trauma of alcoholism. We form great bonds and we are eager to share our new life with others.
So your asking a lady to sponsor you will be a great privilege for HER, Jc. The right lady is there waiting for you, Jc. All you have to do is ask. You will be helping her, just as much as she will be helping you, if not more.
((((hugs)))) Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
For me I did take a little time in picking out a sponcer. i sat and listened to the men, and found someone that had a lot of sobriety. Also I we have a few things in common. Like it was said before being a sponcer is an honor, and you will probably be helping them more then they help you. Atleast that is what mine tells me. :D
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Don't wait for your ship to come in... Swim out to it!
Sounds like you're working hard and doing all the right things. One of the things that amazed me the most early in the program was what happened when I asked for help. There was a tremendous wave of help, so much so I felt overwhelmed by it and wasn't sure how to interpret it. The support was great and I'm still grateful for it today, but I needed to talk to someone about the good and the bad in my life and sometimes a full room was a bit scary.
I once heard in a meeting that a good way to pick a sponsor is to look at what a candidate has that you want. Find someone who has worked the steps and someone who you feel you can listen to. The first thing a sponsor will tell you is not to drink and go to meetings and listen. For me once I got into the pattern of the program, it was my sponsor that held my hand and guided me through the steps and listened when I fumbled through learning what to do.
The comments above reflect the honour associated to being a sponsor. This is our gratitude speaking of the honour and respect we have for sponsors. One of my favorite attributes of my sponsor was that he called me on all my bull**it.
I took about four weeks and then decided who I would like to be my sponsor. I had heard her talk in the meetings and I liked what she had to say and I admired her sobriety. Then, I asked if she would be my sponsor.
Later, when I was asked to sponsor someone, I took it as a great compliment and a wonderful opportunity for me to help her and to watch her change as she started working the steps. It really is a great honor to ask someone to sponsor you. Don't worry as you won't be burdening anybody, but helping them to stay sober!
It is a good idea to get a sponsor as things will crop up in life that you might not want to share with a roomful of people.
Please let us know how it goes for you.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Lots of good stuff here, as usual. Getting a sponsor isn't something to rush, that is for sure. Ultimately, you just need to know that a sponsor IS something you will need and it is recommended that females are best for females and it will be a person with whom you can trust with your personal information. The last part, in my opinion only, is if you want to experience the whole purpose of a sponsor. I knew that I wanted a guy, who had at least 5 years of sobriety, could prove that he did the steps and understands them completely and with whom I could trust when I did steps 4 and 5 with. This guy also had to convince me of all this as I wasn't going into any of it without total commitment. I was prepared to do step 4 so thoroughly, digging into the deepest, darkest, seediest, ugliest....best and worst of me possible, putting it all on paper (24 pages worth)....and then discussing all this with him (step 5). Half measures in any of the steps is a waste of my time and God forbid, my sponsor's. Sponsors sometimes find us too, mine found me. I got lucky...or was it just yet another incident where God put something in my path? Again, only sharing my experience here. I think you are doing great!!
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
I just got back from a steeple chase race and I'm too tired to read what the other posters said right not so this is kinda of a drive by post. Getting a sponsor sooner rather than later is recommended. As far as confiding etc... you've been doing that here for the most part, and I think that you've experienced commonality, compassion, understanding, anonymity.... You shouldn't expect anything less in a sponsor. As far as picking one, I'd look for someone that you respect and you will hear the person share in a meeting things that sound profound to you and indicate that she is at a level in her recovery that you'd like to be. We call that "wanting what they have" and usually it's peace, serenity, and a manner about them that's attractive in a confident sorta way. Ok so much for my "touchy feely" description.
Now in the short term, since you're a beginner, you don't have to have the perfect sponsor with 20-30 years, someone with 5-10 will do just fine. Remember, we all go through this and it's a little ackward but very rewarding. I've had 6 sponsors and they are all heroes to me.
Took me about a month to find a temporary. He only had a year but worked a good first step. We always talked after the meetings, he was easy to talk to and didn't get into my personal business much. He went to a lot of meeting and always talked program and we both liked hashing out the program though. We didn't agree with everything people told us but were willing to do anything to stay sober. I liked his sponsor but he pushed around to much authority for my taste. I passed him up on the third step so I had to move on to my next sponsor who had a few years and a good grasp of the third and fourth steps which were a mystery to most in this neck of the woods at that time. He worked a good program but there was another guy with some good psychology background and material success and a popular speaker. He was a bit aggressive but I hung in till he died of a Heart attack and went back to the guy good with the steps.
Its a flexible thing and its easier to stay flexible I found if I ask someone to be a temporary sponsor.
