I hope you all aren't getting sick of me yet. It helps me to post here, so here I am again.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. I keep thinking about the fact that I can't drink, ever. I know I'm supposed to take it one day at a time but the point of AA is not to drink, ever, isn't it? I can't imagine life without drinking. There are so many situations I associate with alcohol. I don't know what I'll do when I'm in those situations. Some friends are coming to stay with us for a few days next week. I'm sure they'll notice I'm not drinking. I don't want to tell them why!
I am also struggling with missing my mother. She died 5 years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child. I miss talking to her. And I wish she had lived to see me sober. She always worried about me so much, but she also bought into my BS that I could control my drinking, that I wasn't like my dad. Of course, as far as drinking goes, I am exactly like him. I hate that. He did some pretty awful things to me as a kid, things that gave me a lot of mileage in justifying my drinking. I hate seeing any of him in me.
On the way to work I bought a huge bag of gum, a twelve pack of diet soda, and cigarettes. I gave up smoking a while ago. I smoked one and it tasted awful. But I know I'll keep doing it. I do everything to excess, it seems.
Lots of rambling -- sorry. Day 6 sucks. But I'm going to do everything I can not to drink today.
Can you believe its day six!!!! Good job! And no of us get sick of your posts! We love seeing the progress!!!! My own belief is that your mom can see you now and is rooting for your sobriety!!!! She would be proud!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
If you are not ready yet to announce to everyone in your sphere, "I am an alcoholic.", you don't have to. Just don't announce anything, but stick to non-alcoholic drinks or beverages. There are lots of options to choose from.
IF anyone should question why you are not drinking, you can simply tell them that you have decided to "leave it alone for a little while". If you don't like that one, tell them that you are "dieting" and there are LOTS of calories, even in so-called "lite" drinks, or you can tell them that you have had a bit of "issue with heartburn lately, and alcohol seems to aggrevate it" (you may have to tolerate a lot of armchair medical advice for that one, but it will still be worth it.)
We alcoholics are generally a creative and imaginative lot; we can make up lots of excuses to drink. I am sure we should be equally capable to make a thousand excuses to not drink. Let your mind flow with it, dearie!
jc2008 wrote: I had a hard time sleeping last night. I keep thinking about the fact that I can't drink, ever. I know I'm supposed to take it one day at a time but the point of AA is not to drink, ever, isn't it? I can't imagine life without drinking.
I had that problem in the beginning. I relapsed cuz of it....Now, I can really think about Just for today. AA is one day at a time.. I won't drink TODAY. I might drink tomorrow, but not TODAY..... (((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Im not getting sick of you and Im sure no one else is either. Im sure like everyone else, I just want you to stick with not taking a drink and doing everything you have to to achieve that including running from the wine aisle while calling an AA person. I hope you let your husband know just what you are facing and that it has nothing to do with him or how supporting a husband he can be. Maybe you could get him to listen to some of the speaker meetings on mp3 at http://www.xa-speakers.org/ to get a better grasp of what you are going through. Would probably help you too.
I hope you all aren't getting sick of me yet. It helps me to post here, so here I am again.
Heck no, you're keeping us sober. All that suff that you're going through, we would have to go back to if we drink.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. I keep thinking about the fact that I can't drink, ever. I know I'm supposed to take it one day at a time but the point of AA is not to drink, ever, isn't it?
Sure you can, you can pick up a drink anytime you Want to. What you mean is, that you can no longer drink safely and that you don't Want to pick up the first drink because you don't know (you really do know) where that will take you.
I can't imagine life without drinking. There are so many situations I associate with alcohol. I don't know what I'll do when I'm in those situations. Some friends are coming to stay with us for a few days next week. I'm sure they'll notice I'm not drinking. I don't want to tell them why!
To an alcoholic, drinking is Everything. To "normal" people, drinking is like having a milkshake. They might have one once or twice a year and don't think about it at all the rest of the year. Alcoholics obsess about it all day everyday and think that that is normal behavior. Over time we think about drinking less and less. We do have to learn how to do most things over again without alcohol. Look on the bright side, you won't have to (hopefully) learn how to date without it.
Lots of rambling -- sorry. Day 6 sucks. But I'm going to do everything I can not to drink today.
Thanks for listening.
Didn't hear you mention being physically sick, you must be feeling better. don't discount that or forget it. All of this stuff that you need to learn, you will get from a sponsor. That's what they're for. Perhaps one of the ladies that gave you their phone number would agree to sponsor you, or at least temporarily to find one that "has you what you want"
Great to hear from you. As others have said above, you being here helps us go forward too. Love your comment of not being able to imagine life without drinking. We all felt the same.
Some of us succumbed to that momentary lapse of reason and tried again and again and again. And that's normal. For me it was a defining moment, meaning it defined what insanity was - trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results. If I drink I lose everything - drinking is simply not an option.
A very common theme in the program is that most of us quit drinking because we had to, we had a hit a horrible bottom, a bottom that the only way out was change or die. It is often said that many of us looked for any other another way other than quitting drinking.
It's not hard to find the carnage and havoc of our lives in these rooms of how bad it was until ...
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
Unmanageable was the polite way of saying it for me . Once I understood that, I had the courage to go forward a little more.
Something I found funny when I first quit drinking was that surprisingly no one was surprised. We here hoping and praying that you have had enough.
Thanks for being here today. 6 days is AWESOME! Keep coming back
Thank you, thank you, thank you all! I just noticed that I've posted 16 times (now 17) in the past 6 days. That is amazing! I have never shared so much personal stuff with anyone -- not even my husband, I don't think. Being honest actually feels good (if unfamiliar).
I realized something: if I make it, my children probably will never remember drunk mommy (since they're 4 1/2 and 2 1/2).
I realized something: if I make it, my children probably will never remember drunk mommy (since they're 4 1/2 and 2 1/2).
That's a pretty good incentive I'd say, although we have to do it for ourselves. I got sober when my only son was 2 and he'll be 21 in april. He shakes his head in disbelief and wonder when I tell him stories of what it was like when I was his age
Keep posting and it feels good to share doesn't it? Even in person. There is a prayer that we close meetings with (besides the lord's prayer), goes like this:
I AM RESPONSIBLE...
When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A. A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.
Kinda why we all do what we do in recovery. I know you are brand new but I bet you've started feeling the vibe of all this, right? Mine was really a spiritual awakening. The counselors, people at AA meetings, people on these forums etc. I used all of that as my Higher Power at the start. Definitely baby steps at the beginning, what worked for me was when it was 3, say I'll go till 4 without a drink, then at 4, go to 5 etc. That was the only way I got to 24. Saying "I can never drink again" was not an option for me, freaked me out to much. Yeah I can drink a whole swimming pool full of water, but not all at once. Chip away at it one day at a time. The ultimate goal for me is serenity, happiness, love and being free of things that want to kill me.
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Way to go jc!!!!!! Six days is awesome. I remember feeling the same way about not ever drinking again. Then someone told me I don't have to quit drinking forever. I just have to quit for today. Lots of meetings helped too. Keep it up. You're doing great.
What Doll said. Thinking about never drinking again can be overwhelming to many of us, but 1 day at a time is something a Alcoholic can grasp. Every one of us has been where you are now. We stay sober 1 day at a time, I may drink tomorrow but not today, soon our bodies get weened off the need for alcohol and we start to feel better. The days become months then years, we stay sober by passing on the gift that was so freely given to us. This fellowship started with 2 drunks helping each other stay sober (Bill Wilson trying to stay sober and Dr Bob Smith trying to get sober). From that humble beginning a world wider fellowship has grown and it all starts with one drunk asking for help and another drunk sharing the message. Good luck and keep posting. Bob.
-- Edited by cooncatbob at 16:59, 2008-02-26
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
You are a Miracle In Progress, my friend. I am cheering you on, every day. Before long, whole day will go by and you will realize that you have not even though about a drink. You will get there sooner than you think!!
Sounds like you are realizing some things, and also have some big concerns. I hope you find a woman to use as a sponsor who has some long term sobriety SOON, who can help you sort things out face to face, and keep the miracle going. Just do what AA suggests: Go to meetings, get a sponsor, get active in a homegroup, and pick up the phone before you pick up the drink. Works for all of us, and it WILL work for you too!!!!
(((((hugs))))) Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
