First of all sorry everyone -- I feel like I've hijacked this board. I hate asking for help. HATE IT! But I have no choice. I am really thirsty for a drink. Specifically, beer, which was not my drink of choice. I was just filling up at the gas station and in the window of the store were about 30 neon signs for various kinds of beer. My mouth got dry and I just wanted to walk in there and buy a case. Now I'm home and I wish I had something. ANYTHING. The urge is so strong right now.
Someone will probably say I should go to a meeting, and you'd be right. But I'm not going tonight. I know it's stupid, but I've caused such disruption in my family that all I want is to be normal and spend time with them. The kids look forward to the weekends with me and I feel guilty taking time away from them. When I went to the meeting yesterday both kids cried and cried. Tonight is the night we always go out to a particular restaurant. Everyone looks forward to it (and I look forward to the wine). I just want them to think they have a normal mother. Plus I feel like I have something to prove to my husband -- that I can have dinner and not drink. He's so nervous about me. I hate that I worried him so much. I have so much self loathing. I hate myself for wanting to drink, hate myself for not being able to control it. It's such a waste of time to hate myself, I know, but I just do. All of the things that I was masking with alcohol now is coming to the surface. I don't like what I see.
JC, if you've got time to drink (or think about drinking) then you've got time to go to a meeting. The husband is home and can watch the kids. Just go to a meeting. The two most important times to go are when you want to go and when you don't want to go.
You don't want to have to go through this drying out again do you? I don't know if you heard anyone mention "going to 90 meetings in 90 days" but it's one of those "going to any lengths to get sober" things that we do. If we had time to drink several hours a day, then we can hit a meeting for an hour.
The truth is we know you need meetings, we know that you have to make staying sober the most important thing in your life. We can only hope and pray that you do too.
Sadly many of us learnt the hard way and some have lost many of those who loved us dearly. If you can, go to a cake meeting and listen to members of a family talk about their loved ones celebrating sobriety. Their gratitude and thanks will give you the strength to trust your family with this. They will want to do anything they can so you can help yourself.
To beat the disease of alcoholism and addiction you will need to commit all your strength and energy. If there was a softer, easier way we would have done it ourselves.
You give us inspiration because you appear to instinctively know what the right thing to do is. Things can get a lot worse - a lot. We're all hoping and praying that they won't.
JC, Listen to the guys. The most important thing to this program is the "fix me first policy". In other words, you need to dwell upon getting YOU better first and foremost. You explained your feelings to us, perhaps explain them to your husband. Even though he is worried, I would bet he would be very support to know that you have taken certain steps towards your goal of sobriety. The kids......yeah they may whine and cry......in the long run they will be grateful and they'll be proud of your accomplishment(s). You have done really well yet you are still in a wary place and you need the extra support encouragement, hope and strength that is found at meetings. One hour.......and dinner right after. How would that be? It could be a sort of celebratory meal. Hang in there please. Wanda
That means you have to stay sober SO that you can enjoy the other things that are important to you.Nothing is more important, NOTHING.
Try some candy or sweets. That may calm the craving. Its too soon for the restaurant. You have a life threatening disease. You must treat it and tonight that means
PEOPLE PLACES AND THINGS.
Switch to another restaurant without booze, switch to another gas station without neon and booze, Find time for a meeting like your life depends on it. If you try to prove anything to your family tonight, you may just prove just the opposite. There will be better days but tonight is not the night for being anywhere near alcohol.
Get on your knees and Beg God to remove the obsession. Hide in the closet if you have to. Call that person you called up before. Do everything you know how so far.
There is nothing more important you can do for your family RIGHT THIS MINUTE than to get better.
You can make all kinds of sacrifice because you feel guilted into it. If you had to go into a hospital because a doctor said you would die and leave your children without a mother if you did not? Even if it meant they would cry and be unhappy for the 48 or 72 hours that you would be away, would you expect your husband and children to tolerate that so you could still be with them for a lifetime?
Yes, they need you, but they won't have you if you don't take what ever steps you have to, to stay sober.
OK....no more soapbox.....
Praying for you. Hope you get through the weekend and back to a meeting ASAP.
Someone will probably say I should go to a meeting, and you'd be right. But I'm not going tonight. I know it's stupid, but I've caused such disruption in my family that all I want is to be normal and spend time with them.
Nope, not stupid at all. That's still the insanity of the alcoholic mind talking to you.
Yes, there is such a thing as finding balance in your life once you have some solid recovery under your belt, but you are nowhere near that point right now.
When I forget to put my sobriety first and foremost in my life, I might as well kiss the rest of my life goodbye because the big relapse is looming ahead in the near future.
When you consider that a meeting takes one hour out of 24 hours in a day, your reasoning really doesn't make sense, does it?
I try to attend all 3 meetings we have here weekly. That is a total of 3 hours away from the rest of my life out of every 168 hours a week.
I don't know about you, but my best thinking damned near killed me.
I'm a lot more apt to listen to the people who have experience in staying sober and working a program of recovery today.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
Hello Jc 2008 nice to meet you ..my name is Russell Alcoholic from California sorry you are having a hard time i have been there ...if you cant get to a meeting get on the phone call your local AA hotline they have a woman call you back ...somtimes we just need somthing to change the way we are thinking ...back wen AA first started Bill w talk Dr Bob out of that 1st drink .
Wen i was new what help me was to find suport.... phone numbers ....i had to learn not to do it alone ...... there is nothing that a drink is going to make better.....good luck to you Russell
Hi Jc. Let me add my welcome here. I hope you have made it through the evening. I am here to tell you that it DOES get better. If it didn't, I would not be here, because I was without ANY hope. I could not go for one single day without a drink or a "side dish". I could not sleep without alcohol, wake without alcohol, or breath without alcohol. I am so grateful that AA allowed me to get some help, and in a short time, I was not thinking about drinking so much. You too can be free of the obsession of alcoholism if you can just hold on. It DOES get better, it TRULY DOES!!!
Just keep coming back!!!!!!! No matter WHAT!!!!
((((hugs)))) Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Hi J: Your doing great! I do agree with all the above and youre doing all the right things. You may feel silly asking for help but we ALL did it until it got easier! Keep posting and sharing if thats what it takes!!!! We really dont mind (obviously!!) Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Welcome back, JC :) First & foremost there's no cause for you to be sorry for being here & feeling like you're 'hijacking the board' that's not how it seems at all. Our newcomers are the most important people here & in the rooms. This is the most difficult part for you to come through. Where the hardest, initial changes begin to happen. You're beginning to make different choices to protect yourself & that can be tough. Feeling loyal to your family & now having to take such care of yourself will create a huge conflict for you & means you have to make a big shift to how you've seen things before. Early recovery takes alot of dedication & commitment & giving yourself permission for that for the long~term benefits is crucial for you to start making those new decisions. Decisions that seem like you're putting yourself before your family. But, you're not really. You're investing in you so that you can be the best of yourself what you want to be for them. Know this in your heart, JC. The illness will talk to you & even use your love for your family against you by saying 'yeah, you're ignoring your needs so you can be normal for your family'. The ironic thing is that you won't be able to cope after some time & you'll suddenly 'find' yourself drunk again & not in a great shape for your family anyway & with all that shame, guilt & remorse to go with it. Don't let it win, JC. After a few meetings & getting into fellowship, literature & recovery, you'll start to learn the difference between your heart & your alcoholic thinking. It gets better. I promise. Keep strong & pick up the phone whenever you can & make the time. This will help you find your way back to a meeting too. One foot in front of the other 1Day@aTime. Share all this & your thoughts with your husband too. Is he supportive? Does he understand? Will he help you do whatever it takes? He may have some adjusting also but fellowship will help you to understand with him too. Keep us posted how it's all going for you, JC. I know you want this. You're doing really well. Love & prayers, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
You've had some super advice already and there isn't anything else I can add.
The best gift that you can give to your family is being sober. I always get to two or three meetings each week because I know that I would pick up a drink again if I didn't go. You could try calling the person who gave you their 'phone number the other day. When we reach out and ask for help we are helping another recovering alcoholic.
And, don't worry about hijacking the board ... you're not. We're all here to help each other.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
