Recovery is not about being right; it's about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are.
That concept can be difficult for many of us if we have lived in systems that functioned on the "right/wrong" justice scale. The person who was right was okay; the person who was wrong was shamed. All value and worth may have depended on being right; to be wrong meant annihilation of self and self-esteem.
In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority. Yes, we may need to make decisions about people's behavior from time to time. If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves. We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else. We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves.
In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be right only for us. What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them. It's tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people's motives and actions, but it's more rewarding to look deeper.
Today, I will remember that I don't have to hide behind being right. I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is "right" or "wrong." I can let myself be who I am.
From The Language of Letting Go
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Reminds me of the old saying "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I've come up with a similar saying "If you know the answer, don't ask the question"
As an AA and a Codependent I go to great lengths to not be wrong (grey areas not withstanding lol). It's a common thread that we have, this not wanting to be "wrong". Being wrong is and invites disapproval, and disapproval is like poison to this needy, approval seeking, people pleasing person that lives within me. So the fear of being wrong can, if unchecked, cause me to react in a manner that would indicate someone else is wrong. It's not my job to tell someone else that they are wrong, only what's acceptable or unacceptable as far as I'm concerned. And where their actions, or belief systems don't concern me, I need to keep my opinions to myself. Even though I've made a lot of progress in this area, my first reaction is to make judgement and pronounce it.
Hi all: I do love that saying, "do you want to be right, or happy!" I use it alot inside my head!!! Dean, you crack me up how honest you are to yourself and to us!!!! When I saw the "topic" just knew you would respond! Not a dig at all but admired the fact that you can look at yourself so honestly! I myself am making some progress in that arena and realizing my own character defects! I really didnt think I had ANY!!!! HAHA!
Have a great day friends!!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hi all: I do love that saying, "do you want to be right, or happy!" I use it alot inside my head!!! Dean, you crack me up how honest you are to yourself and to us!!!! When I saw the "topic" just knew you would respond! Not a dig at all but admired the fact that you can look at yourself so honestly! I myself am making some progress in that arena and realizing my own character defects! I really didnt think I had ANY!!!! HAHA!
Have a great day friends!!!! Lani
I've been "peeling the onion" for awhile now (and oh is that a smelly process). "To thine own self be true" is a powerful comandment. The problem is that we can talk a lot of trash to ourselves about how we are going to change, but it's much more effective when we utilize the 5-10 steps, getting it out in the open so that others can check us on our stuff to see if we are walking the talk. Changing ourself is hard to do, that's why most people don't ever change or not too much (we have acceptance for that). We are blessed with this program that shows us how to change and that's worth the price of admission by itself my friend
Someone referred to the peeling of the onion in a different perspective..Using a rose as an example...Cant remember the exact reference tho. And it would be less smelly! haha Our meeting today was about "change" Great topic! For me change is what its all about! I have to change everything in my life and I cant have any of the promises if I dont make a conscious decision to make those changes!
If I dont make those changes, I might as well forget about having a good job, great family, people who love and respect me! I'll just be back to the old person who missed alot of great things in life because I was hungover, too drunk, to self centered, or not willing to go to certain events because there wouldnt be booze there!! Doesnt sound so great!!!
Thats the scary part too about letting others know us and our old shitty ways! We are then accountable for our actions! How grown up is that!!! Thanks, Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I have to add 2 cents here too, Lani. I have had to concentrate on not having to be "right" all the time in the past few months, while my marriage has been getting back on track. Last night my hubby came home and had told me a "little" lie about where his car has been.... he had told me that it was at work for a few days, and then getting fixed, and then it was not going to get fixed because it would cost too much, blah blah blah (???) Yesterday afternoon, friends of ours, a really nice couple, dropped the car off in our driveway and thanked ME profusely for letting them borrow it (my husband is divorced and everything is in my name). I felt really stupid standing there, wondering why in the heck he would lie to me about something so STUPID!!!
The couple are really good friends of ours, and I would NEVER have hesitated to let her drive it and pick her kids up from school, and get to work while her own car was broke down!! They are both very professional, not alcoholics, yada yada. We have insurance, sooo.... WHY in the HECK would he lie to me about something like that????
Anyway, I simply told him on his way home that they dropped the car off and thanked me for letting them use it. He immediately flew off the handle, and started being dramatic and agry at ME. I did not fight back, nor act superior. I just said, "I am not making a mountain out of a molehill here, and I DON'T want WWIII here tonight. I just want to know if there is something in the way I react to things like that that made you think you could not tell me, or didn't want to bother doing so."
I was loving and nurturing when he got home, instead of self-righteous and "RIGHT". I kept telling him that we didn't even have to talk about it, that I am not perfect either, and that I am certainly not going to hold onto this. He eventually apologized, and told me that I get too uptight with things like that, and he did not want to hear my nagging for 2 weeks about "is your car okay?"... etc. Which I tend to do!!!!! So I was willing to lighten up a bit and recognize that I am not perfect, and that these things do happen in a marriage sometimes, whether I like it or not.
Today, I refuse to mull around in a mire of, "What else may he be lying about...?" That is stinkin' thinkin', and it will affect the way I TREAT him on a daily basis, so I am not going to go there.
I am just glad that AA and Al Anon have helped me to change small things like this once in awhile, which make a big difference in how the day or the week goes in my household, and in my marriage.
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
