My 17 yr old son had moved in with a teenage married couple and the girl's baby a few months ago. The baby (who is precious btw) belongs to one boy, she's married and now separated from another boy and MY son is now her boyfriend!!!!! ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!! I know I can't control him! But Damn! (it just occured to me my 17 yr old is committing adultry!!). She works part time & goes to school, my son doesn't work or go to school or do anything! They showed up here last night wanting gas money and a couple bucks to go shoot pool. And to top it off, that precious little baby was sick. I calmly explained that him moving in with her was HIS choice, that if he wanted to be grown up then it was time to be grown up, & that means I do not fund gas tanks and games of pool that are not mine! I also, with a lot of concern and kindness in my voice, suggested that the baby needed to be home resting. Before they left I had filled a bag with Vick's Vapor Rub (to put on the baby's feet she's 18months old), vaseline (to put on her raw little nose) a box of tissues (the soft kind) and 1/2 gal of apple juice (that I'd just purchased for myself). My heart is breaking right now, and I'm not sure who for most..... MY truth- This is not how I pictured my son's life at 17. And although I have known his g/f for many years, and she's very sweet, she is not who I want my son to be with. Raising someone else's child! Hell! Who know's who this girl will be with next month! Afterall, she is just a typical teenager! ..... MY reality - the only thing I can do is pray for God's will for him (them) and know that I can not control any of this!
Thanks for letting me share.....feeling better!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Doll: I am so sorry your going through all this with your son! You did all the right things and although it was so very hard Im sure, it was the best you could do! You are in my prayers and right now that's all we can do! Scary these kids of ours. Just keep doing what your doing, hit a meeting and dont drink! Then you know you had a successful day! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hi Doll, Sorry you have to deal with such an exasperating set of issues today.. Sounds like you did good. They are all children and still need your guidance. Sounds like you pointed them in the right direction. My favorite on letting go of children is the comparison to letting go of the string on a bow. All we can do is point it in the right direction. Once we let it go, all we can do is watch.
On Children Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
The girl needs a father and a man around the house and your son sees a person in trouble and in need of help. Not exactly sinister people. Have hope. All kind of patience is available to you with just a little hope. Maybe this girl will be the nudge he needs into the workforce. Those rescuing tendencies are normal with ACOA kids. They can be put to great use in the paramedics, fireman , nurse, doctors and so forth. I don't think those all take a lot of schooling and have paths upwards once your in. If you don't let him in on the secret that he's powerless (if he even is) over his rescuing he could make a lot of money and help a lot of people.
You did great, treat yourself nice today. You deserve it.
Hmmmm? Your story has a bit of a familiar ring to it. Over a year ago, my daughter was going to school and into the "partying" as well. While it was HER choice in mates, I too was concerned that this young man was leading her right down the path of alcoholism.....let alone some interesting little tidbits came out about sex therefore sort of told she was active. Fast forward......my grandson will be 7mos. old. She lives with the young man, works and is still enrolled in college parttime. As for the pregnancy....when it was revealed she barely got it out and burst into tears with a litany of "I have screwed up" comments. Inside just as you the heart was beebopping all over. First I told her I loved her and she wasn't going to get kicked out. From there it was quite a year. Just last week....in a conversation I learned from her that her father's initial reaction was much different. I could see the hurt/pain in her eyes that he had caused though she still goes to see him. Inside, I wanted to throddle him. I said nothing. I too had hoped for something different for her life........but this was her fate in that space of time. And we coped......me by keeping my mouth in check and her by experience the consequences of her actions. So far little Thomas is thriving. Parents have financially stepped up to the plate in taking care of him. Concern now...... the alcohol is still present. Since they are the couple in the group to be sort of first in having their own place......all their single friends come calling. She says if she drinks it is very little ( a couple). Ohhhhhh......I pray to that God will watch over them all. Having seen some things that parents do under the influence.....that little voice inside wants to scream a litany at them both. Oldest son 25, broke up with a young woman whom I adored!!!! I still don't know the reason. That was over a year ago. Dated another. Seemed nice enough, came from a family that had money which isn't to say they didn't work for what they had. Though he knew she had "serveral" previous relationships, it didn't bother him. Guess what.....she still had the "itch"......and he ceased dating her promptly when he discovered she had went out with some one behind his back. Now I was confused......because though he never dated the former girl he still talked to her/her parents. Recently learned he's been dating a girl with a 1 yr. old. Everyone has met her except me. Yet back in Dec. when his cousin took his life, it was the former girlfriend whom he relied on for support leaving everyone to wonder once again. Let go, let go, let go. As much as we want certain things we gotta let go and let them experience life. This is the question I have to ask myself everytime those emotions ect crop up when facing such situations........In my life, at that stage, would I have listened to my parents sage wisdom? What did I go through and how did I feel about it and what my parents spoke/did in regards to those things. Most of the time I can honestly say........I was a bit cocky as most young people. Thought I knew MORE than my folks on certain subjects. Though they warned me.....I had to take the "hits and face the consequences". Doing this and reminding myself of these things seems to give me the wisdom to be able to know what to do or say when trying to "help" my own. My heart is with you. Think you wisely spoke and acted. Prayers for us ALL. Wanda
So he's pretending to have a life, not such a bad thing in principle just a little young. These days young people are older than their age indicates according to our experience. I think you're doing the right thing by treating him like an adult. If he's treated pleasently and allowed to make his mistakes, he will learn faster. He'll even ask for your advise eventually if he's not recieving it unsoliceted.
My son is close to 21. He's living with a girl and another couple in a 2br/2bath condo while attending a state university. He's on a full ride and needs nothing from me. And becasue of this, I don't hear from him more than a couple times a year. I've never seen his grades (3rd year undergrad), and if I think about it, It bothers me because I have absolutely no control over his life, financial or otherwise. The only thing that I pay for him is his cell phone, and i've actually thought about having the damn thing turned off because he won't answer or return my phone calls LOL. But guess what? He's just asserting his adulthood and showing me that, after all those years that I told him he'd be facing the "big bad world" when he turned 18, he doesn't need me. I've come to realize that I have my own fish to fry and that he is no longer a distraction to what I need to do for myself.
through out the past 4 years had my hands full with my son who is now 18 years of age. And well,,,, lets just say it isn't easy for any parent to go through the bumps and bounds with their children.
Though our experience and our childrens situations are not far off from each other it's not easy.
I agree with others whom have replied and well just hope for the best. back to my son, he is now realizin that what his choices were, turned out to be wrong in the end.
Just last year he came into money and now it's all gone, and has no choice but to change things, now he's got no choice but to help himself out. He's finding it frustratin and not as easy as it looks. I have to sit back and keep from adding negitive stuff to it letting him work through it and be there for him, goes back to live and let live. He now listens to the advice I have to give him, but still a struggle, and working through it as a family.
What I thought would change the situation when I sent him to toronto, did turn is outlook on things would change and well they did, some of his old behaviour still there he wants to put blame else where and I just calmly tell him other wise and as a parent now that he's 18 is to advise him and hope for the best.
I will be thinking of you and praying that things well evenually work out.
Wow, Doll.... it sounds like your recovery is very strong right now, and that you are making good choices for yourself, and for your son. I just wanted you to know that I admire you!!! You are doing great, even though things are not quite going as you might like them to regarding your son. Detatchment with Love is oh so hard with those we love, but you get an A+, in my book.
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Thanks for the feedback and the sharing....Feeling MUCH better about it all today.... Seems as if when these things come up my sponsor is always out of town (she a consultant and travels a LOT) So being able to vent here and the vote of confidence from you all is greatly appreciated.
((((Hugs)))) and love!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
