When we find ourselves in an argument, we may feel like we are losing control of emotions that have taken on lives of their own. When we can become aware that this is happening, taking a deep breath can help us step back from the situation. Once we can separate ourselves from the heat of the moment, we may find that the emotional trigger that began the argument has little to do with the present situation, but may have brought up feelings related to something else entirely. Looking honestly at what caused our reaction allows us to consciously respond more appropriately to the situation and make the best choices.
We can make an agreement with our partners and those closest to us that asking questions can help all of us discover the source of the argument. The shared awareness can result in finding simple solutions to something physical, like low blood sugar or even a hormonal surge. Maybe we are taking ourselves too seriously, and we can just laugh and watch the tension dissolve. We could also discover that perhaps we are addicted to the excitement that drama brings and the chemicals that our body creates when we are angry. But there may be a deeper issue that requires discussion, understanding, and patience. The more we allow ourselves to step back and examine our reasons for arguing, the easier it becomes to allow real feelings to surface and guide us toward solutions that improve our lives.
When we can be clear about our feelings and intentions and communicate them clearly, we have a far better chance of getting what we want than if we lose control or allow our subconscious minds to manipulate the situation. We might take our frustrations out on the people closest to us because we feel safe and comfortable with them, but misplaced anger can cause more harm than good. Arguing for what we truly believe can empower us and help us to direct our passions toward greater life experiences. Truly knowing our reasons for arguing enables us to grow emotionally in ways that will affect our whole being~ DailyOm
When I first came into the program, I could not admit to myself what an angry person I was. I would think of myself as " tough", or "stubborn", but until I began working the Steps, anger was not a word I would identify with. As I became more honest with myself, and watched the dynamics of my relationships with others, I finally had to admit that I was full of anger, and not all of it was justified. Much of my anger was a result of mis-perceived injustices done to me. It was the same old emotional trap of not taking responsibility for my own sh**. When I finally became brutally honest with myself, and quit using "but I'm a recovering addict" as justification for mis-directed anger, I found such a wonderful peace, such a freedom from my ego. Once I owned my anger and became willing to deal with it, I was able to learn to look at my issues and how I enteracted with others. It didnt happen overnight, but today I can identify and work through my emotions without copping out and using anger as a release, or as a way to control others. It is a constant process that I still work with, but it feels so good to not always have to be so "tough". It's okay to be vulnerable. Wren
Hey Wren, Thanks....Im bad lately about trying to work my husbands program. I read this and instantly thought, "i should print this out and show him!" Im pretty mellow about alot of things and he is totally opposite. Getting worked up about everything. In essense, I am working HIS program. This reminds me to work on me, not him. Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Wren, thanks for that message, I really need it as I feel crappy tonight. For the last (almost 2 months) in recovery, I felt I was on the right track. Serenity, compassion and basically quite happy. Everything was going along swimmingly.....until tonight , I was driving down a steep hill, in a snowstorm, road conditions were terrible, very slippery. I was going very slow, like you need to do, some idiot behind me is way too close on my tail. At the bottom of the hill I come to a stop sign at the intersection, then crash....right into my rear end. It was inevitable....and I lost it, flew out of my car, over to his and began yelling (swearing bigtime) at the teenage male driver about how he was too close to me all the way down. I can't remember the last time I was so mad. I must have terrified the lad! I exchanged info with him and left, soon realizing that I completely mishandled the situation. I do have his name and number and when it is light out tomorrow, will see what damage, if any is on my car. I'm more concerned about mistreating him than my car. I owe him an apology.
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
