I relapsed just prior to 18 years sobriety. I've been sober now for just over a year. At times -- like today -- I still feel intense pain, regret and remorse, and, of course, like no one understands. My sponsor tells me to just keep going to meetings, but often I feel even worse after going to meetings and seeing all the people that I know from over 20 years ago. I need help.
I do hope that you'll stay around and share some ES&H with us all.
The most important thing is that you came back to AA and that you are sober today. A lot of folk go back 'out there' and never make their way back. All any of us can do is try to stay sober one day at a time. Try not to beat yourself up over the relapse and try to enjoy each sober day.
One of the old-timers at my meetings says that the person with the most sobriety is the person who got up first that day.
I try not to work out how long I have been sober for, but to get the most from every day and try to be a good person. Nobody can do more than that.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Dear BGG, thanks so much for joining us here at MIP. A great Big Welcome to you x I hope we can bring you some hope too. Well done for all those years. They're a Big inspiration & I know you'll have worked hard to maintain them all that time. I know you'll feel deep shame for having let them go to take another drink but there's no shame in that. You're a human being & you'll have done what you thought was right for you at that time. We dream up impossible feats sometimes & I don't care how much pressure & esteem you'll have placed on yourself to stay sober all that time, when the time comes for anyone to retake that first drink once more, you're not showing your failure, you're showing your fallibility & what it means to be human. I know your pride may be stinging for the moment but there's no true shame in what you've done & you've done so well to stay sober again for the last year. There is your triumph & you making today count. Your experience will be so helpful to others & I'm sure you can have a compassion for others only someone who has been there can have. Don't let your head make you jealous or mournful or disdainful of yourself. You have my full admiration & to come back & do what's right again for you today shows real pride & humility & there's no shame in that. Thanks so much for being here. If you'd like to share some more it'd be great to get to know you. Yours in fellowship, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thanks to you both for your encouraging words. It really does help, and I'm very glad I discovered this forum. I actually was saved today by a sponsee who shared with me her own struggles with feeling sad and hopeless. I heard myself telling her the same things my sponsor shares with me. When all else fails, it helps to reach out to try to help someone else. Thanks again.
we came in at the same time. you can't look at it that way. You didn't lose those 18 years, you lived them sober. It's not a race or a contest. You've got 19 years of sobriety, who cares if it's perfectly consecutive? To think otherwise would be ungrateful really. This is a disease and you had a minor setback while doing a great job of managing your disease. My wife is a type 1 diabetic and maintains very good control of her blood sugar. She monitors it and take 4 shots of insulin a day, stays on a fairly strict diet, and exercises. But she's far from perfect. "We strive for progress not perfection". Don't let your ego push you out of these rooms, you've got invaluable experience, strength, and hope to share with the rest of us. Thanks for your honest and keeping me sober today.
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Welcome, The beauty of life.....we can begin anew. Who is perfect among us? There is a purpose for guilt...... Using it to say, "Okay I messed up. This was my error. Now....how do I change/correct it?" We can start over using our guilt in a positive way. Sometimes it takes serveral tries. Eventually we can get passed it. Good for you get back up and trying again. Best to you, Wanda
Im more impressed that you were humble enough to make a year after having that long and relapsing. Most of the long termers that slip have such a tough time sobering up again. It takes such a dedication to living in today and understanding that this is about peace of mind and not birthday cakes or sobriety countdowns.
Self forgiveness has been one of the hardest things for me to do.
I drank again after 4 years sober, and crawled back into the rooms of AA after 2 months of binge drinking and hell.
I beat myself up for a looooong time after I had drank again. I believe I was around 2 years sober again, sitting at a meeting, and I had my big stick out, hitting myself hard.
A wise old timer (now gone, God rest his soul) turned me to, and said 'Why don't you put that big stick down? God's forgiven you or you wouldn't be sitting here today.'
That hit me right between the eyes. I then realized if I didn't forgive myself, I was heading back to the bottle yet again, and may not make it back the next time.
Yes, you've started over again. However, no one can take those 18 years away from you.
Old timers struggle and get sick too! I'm over 17 years sober this time out and really struggling this year with a multitude of things beyond my control, including significant health issues. Thank God AA and the people in it have taught me it's okay to be human and struggle.
I will keep you in my prayers!
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
BGG, You are not alone here. I too recently relapsed, although I had almost 3 years, and not 18.... but the effects of a relapse after some sober time are the same no matter which way you look at it. It sucks.
But I have found that I NEED the meetings and fellowship more than i need to 'feel good' about the fact that others have not had the difficulties I have. My experience, my stumbles, and my getting back up are helping SOMEONE in those meetings. I have to remember it is not all about me. With just 17 days in again, I have to remember the WE. Showing up likely helps someone else too.
Thanks for sharing and welcome.
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Good for you on getting back. I was sober for 10 months but that was 4 years ago and went back out there all that time ago.
Ive now been sober for 3 days and it was so much harder for me this time. I have wanted to get back so many times over the years but didnt have the courage to do anything about it. Must have really hit the bottom 3 days ago for me to find the courage to make that call and attend a meeting. Thankfully, I dont feel guilty for going back out there now that I am back because I have been made so welcome. I was also told last night at my meeting that not many people get and stay sober the first time. Good luck.
Boy do I know how you feel ! I picked up 2 Mos. before my 14 year . Today Im 7 days from having 6 Mos.clean . I know how you feel about seeing others who came in about the same time as you did.Ive left meeting feeling so down on myself. Dont get me wrong , Im happy for them , but it does hurt . The truth is though , in my case , I know it's my pride and ego that hurt . Sometimes it burns me up to hear someone (brag )A.K.A. share about how many years they have . If ONLY they knew how fast that can chage ! You and I have been Blessed . I often remember many who went back out and died , went to prison etc. We made it back !! God must have big plans for us. I have to try to remember that NOBODY is promised to be sober tomorrow .All I know is that the only thing thats going to help is to Pick up where I fell off . Only God and time will heal us . If I keep beating up on myself , I WILL pick up a drink again. Just try to remember this , those feelings you have are just that....feelings , and they WILL pass . Whats done is done. If we live in the past , we wont live for today.
Thank you so much for sharing. I spoke to my sponsor this morning, and I'm going to meet her at a meeting in about an hour. I haven't been to a meeting since Sunday night because of how down I've been feeling. But, I know I have to walk through this and believe it will get better a day at a time. I am very blessed to have made it back unscathed in my professional and financial life, and still with the love and support of my other half, who's also in the Program. Just gotta get better on the inside, where it really counts. God Bless all of you.
Boy do I know how you feel ! I picked up 2 Mos. before my 14 year . Today Im 7 days from having 6 Mos.clean . I know how you feel about seeing others who came in about the same time as you did.Ive left meeting feeling so down on myself. Dont get me wrong , Im happy for them , but it does hurt . The truth is though , in my case , I know it's my pride and ego that hurt . Sometimes it burns me up to hear someone (brag )A.K.A. share about how many years they have . If ONLY they knew how fast that can chage ! You and I have been Blessed . I often remember many who went back out and died , went to prison etc. We made it back !! God must have big plans for us. I have to try to remember that NOBODY is promised to be sober tomorrow .All I know is that the only thing thats going to help is to Pick up where I fell off . Only God and time will heal us . If I keep beating up on myself , I WILL pick up a drink again. Just try to remember this , those feelings you have are just that....feelings , and they WILL pass . Whats done is done. If we live in the past , we wont live for today.
thanks for sharing this Ron. I needed to hear all of it.
I decided to post this reply to my very first post on MIP (see first post above). That was nearly two years ago. I celebrated three years on September 2 (which, if I add it up like Dean did in his response to my first post, means I now have 21 years sober ). Seriously, for those who may be feeling down or discouraged, things have turned around 180 degrees for me since my first post. First, I decided to stop beating myself up. Then, I decided to focus on each day, to ask God to keep me sober each morning, and to thank God for my life and my sobriety. Then, I decided to change my attitude and realize that God spared my life in 1986, got me sober and kept me sober for 18 years, and then brought me back to A.A. after my relapse in one piece. ALL of my experiences have been worthwhile, and I no longer feel like a failure. Just a little bump in the road to restore some humility in my life.
I'm on my way to my home group meeting in 15 minutes to make coffee (I've had the coffee commitment for the past three years, and I refuse to give it up 'cause it ensures that I don't get distracted by wanting to watch Monday night football, or work late, etc.). Life is really, really, really good!!! Thank you all here at MIP; you continue to be an important part of my recovery.
Thankyou By God's Grace.. I love that :D Well Done & Congratulations. Thankyou for all the love you share with us on MIP. You are so appreciated. Thankyou & Godbless. Keep coming back & sharing your awesome ESH! Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
). Seriously, for those who may be feeling down or discouraged, things have turned around 180 degrees for me since my first post. First, I decided to stop beating myself up. Then, I decided to focus on each day, to ask God to keep me sober each morning, and to thank God for my life and my sobriety. Then, I decided to change my attitude and realize that God spared my life in 1986, got me sober and kept me sober for 18 years, and then brought me back to A.A. after my relapse in one piece. ALL of my experiences have been worthwhile, and I no longer feel like a failure. Just a little bump in the road to restore some humility in my life.