First off lemme say that you alkies have helped me a lot. This forum is sorta like a meeting in that you sift thru and thru and yeah, stuffs cool and whatnot, but every once in a while, you pickup a real gem of wisdom...And when i was bitching about this and that, someone said "Your number one concern is your sobriety." And I think doll accused me in so many words of acting like a typical alcoholic egomaniac, etc.
I definitely thought this would be a tough weekend. I brokeup with the girl, based on the 'sobriety is your number one concern' thing, and i knew that worrying about her would send me straight to the damn LQ. However, I thought it'd be a tough weekend since I know she'll be out doin all the stuff that I can't do (hangout at the bars, do some lines, etc.etc.), while i am by myself most of the time, not even able to hang out with most of my buddies since theyre all gonna be drinkin, etc.
I realize all these feelings that feel like heartache and legit emotions are really nothing more than ego, and fear of the thought she may find someone else, or that she'll be havin fun and i won't, etc. Its amazing how ego can disguise itself as other emotions. ANd its so stupid cause of all the months that have gone by with me doing way worse to her than she ever did to me...But ego knows no balance, and knows no justice; attaches no meaning to words such as 'fairness' and 'deserving.' All it is is pure and unadulterated self centeredness and narcissism-- and YET, no matter what ive done or how much i deserve it, i still get that feeling in my stomach at the thought of her finding someone else.
Anyways this has been a long stupid ramble, but the bottom line is that even knowing all this stuff, i thought this weekend would be kind of hard on me--- buuuuuuuuuut... it wasnt at all. Not having to worry/think about it has totally been a weight off of my shoulders, and i really didnt think about any of it much at all. Even didnt bother calling back in response to a couple of weepy messages (That is HER ego talking now, almost as bad as mine...I assure you real love is not involved here on either side)...
Anyways thanks again to all you alkies. The whole idea that for all my bitching (which i will continue to do because i love to bitch), that sobriety ought to be my number one concern above all otehr things has really helped me make decisions that i couldnt make before. I would definitely say that for someone whose a noob to sobriety, this is a pretty good guideline for decision making: "Is this decision going to help your sobriety, or is it going to make it harder?" Generally, choose the one thats gonna make you less likely to goto the damn liquor store.
Seven days out, and i can actually sleep again. TIME TO GO OUT AND CELEBRATE MAYBE??? (just kidding)
Confession: I really havent been making it out to meetings nearly as much as I should- (kinda my fault and also kinda not). You guys have helped alot. thanks again.
-- Edited by Zarathustra at 16:15, 2007-12-02
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The only thing worse than being sober is being drunk...
Keep up with my alleged 'progress' and general rantings, or just laugh at me, if you want: http://diaryofamadman11.blogspot.com
Just wanted to share...that its ok to have a ego Bud...and to be self centered to a point....but....most of my alky stuff and the "I am the center of the universe"...was blown wayyyyy out of proportion...through the use and abuse of alcohol...
Emotions? I hid behind walls for a long time...before starting to "FEEL"
As for letting it all hang out on this AA board....?
Letter rip.....!!
There were some days this board saved my ass, from going out and getting bent right out of shape....and taking a "F" it all pill"
Keep on truckin!!
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Live each day as if it were your last...because tomorrow?
It might be.
Zara, sounds like you are seeing some big changes in your thinking already. I too have had to buckle down and focus on what is really important right now, which is my sobriety. My husband cheated on me the past few months, and told me about it in an apology. I used that as an excuse to get drunk and high after almost 3 years sober. What I realized when I "came to" again, is that I really was not at all that surprised by what he told me, and that he must have felt pretty guilty about it or else why would he have told me to begin with? Due to his job, there would have been no way I would have ever known otherwise. The lesson here? Using it as an excuse to get myself sick again, or whiling away the hours worrying if it will happen again does me absolutely no good whatsoever. I am enjoying being sober again no matter what is happening on his end. No matter what. I felt a lot better sober and cheated on than I did drunk and cheated on (and then me cheating as well in the drunken process.) I don't need the guilt, the shame or the drama. I went to a great meeting today and I BELONG there no matter what else is going on.
Glad you had a great weekend, and so glad I did too.
joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
"I realize all these feelings that feel like heartache and legit emotions are really nothing more than ego, and fear of the thought she may find someone else, or that she'll be havin fun and i won't, etc. Its amazing how ego can disguise itself as other emotions. ANd its so stupid cause of all the months that have gone by with me doing way worse to her than she ever did to me...But ego knows no balance, and knows no justice; attaches no meaning to words such as 'fairness' and 'deserving.' All it is is pure and unadulterated self centeredness and narcissism-- and YET, no matter what ive done or how much i deserve it, i still get that feeling in my stomach at the thought of her finding someone else."
Zarat, you are going to make it in this program. It requires rigorous honesty and to be self analytical. You're on the right path and a quick study I might add. As long as that brain of yours doesn't start "comparing out" or rationalizing, you'll do well. Well done.
