The right to make your own choices is a precious one. We grow when we have the freedom to decide our own paths and determine what makes us happy. Yet there are those who are inclined to try and control others. They may be driven by insecurity, envy, fear, or the need for power. These people are deeply critical of themselves in their own minds, and underlying that critical nature is unhappiness. Their need to feel sure-footed and secure is quenched by controlling those around them, whether they are friends, colleagues, or even pets. However, nearly everyone has found themselves imposing their will upon others at one time or another.
Trying to impose your will on others can be tempting for many reasons. You may feel that your way is the best way or that you have a keener insight into the direction their life should be taking. But, in imposing your will, you are indirectly saying, "I want to control you." Even when you have the best of intentions, others may end up resenting you for your actions. It is always helpful to remember that it is possible to influence people and change their behavior through education or example without imposing your will on them.
If you've caught yourself being a bit bossy on a regular basis, make a note of it. Write down what the situation was and why you acted the way you did. You may have pushed a friend to try something new, because deep inside you wanted to try it yourself but were feeling hesitant. Or you may be unjustly interfering with work teammates, because you aren't sure of their abilities. Next, make an effort to understand and accept their preferences and ways of doing things. It can feel natural to impose your will when you feel that you "know best." But there is a freedom to trusting others to find their own methods and joys, even when they might differ from yours. Sometimes the best course of action is to step back and relinquish control. You may, in doing so, see everything from a different point of view.
DailyOm.com
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I wish I could just blindly accept that today. But I'm finding myself in a position and situation, and have been over the last three years, where my ex-girlfriend was putting the household and the business in jeopardy because she wasn't listening to my ESH- about sobriety, how to become a functional person, where one's self esteem can be found and how to develop it, how to practice "Good Orderly Direction" in one's own life, and of coursedoing, and taking care of, business. She would do things like walk away from the display table and leave it unattended. A piece we were showing for a friend and business partner was stolen as a result, and she didn't tell either our other partner Robert or me about the theft for almost two months, though, to her credit, she did file a police report. Needless to say she wasn't real good about open , timely and honest communication. Being by far the most experienced one between us as far as jewelry making and selling goes, coupled with her agreement to do her part in the "partnership" I was unfortunately, in the position of knowing the right ways and wrong ways of doing things in those regards. But she refused to listen or consider that I may have had some good points- based on hard learned experience- and the end results were not conducive to success. So we've split up, and it probably is for the better- I couldn't stand it any longer and having to live with her habits was driving me insane.
I was a slob, never cared about the bills or about communicating and keeping commitments, and procrastination was a way of life for me when I was drinking. In sobriety I discovered I didn't want to live that way anymore so I had to make a serious, conscious and concerted effort to change those patterns of behavior- coupled with a willingness to listen to the observations of others concerning my own behaviors, which was often painful. We say that pain is the price of growth and I've learned the benefits of facing that pain. So I put my own ego, wants and desires aside and listened and acted upon what others were telling me and the end result is that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, the kind of person I used to be.
We sometimes say that God can move mountains, but that it helps for us to suit up, show up and bring a shovel. And that was the basic problem. She wanted to do things her own way in her own time and the results of her doing things her own way destroyed the relationship and has left me in a position of possibly losing my home and business- which also threatens our other partner's security as he has his own work station and equipment in my home and has nowhere else to put it or set it up so that he can work.
I'll admit I'm having a real hard time not developing a resentment over this and it makes it real difficult to totally and blindly accept what you had posted in the opening thread, Wren. At this point in time I believe that there are times that one needs to pull in on the reigns of another and take control- especially if the situation is spiraling out of control and threatens the livelihoods and security of others.
Those are my feelings today.
Peace and best wishes for a happy and sober day.
Gem
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My worst days sober are better than my best days drunk.
I am going to tread very carefully in my response here, because I don't want my own experience to be misconstrued as giving advise.
I have been married to a non-alcoholic for going on 18 years now. He has never had to experience my active alcoholism, although he has, of course, been involved with my working through issues. By the same token, he has ptsd, and I stood back and allowed him to work through his own issues. When his anger became a threat to us, I left until he got counseling. He did, and at 90 days, I came home. He spent about 6 years in therapy, and a true miracle walked out. Our marriage is pretty solid now, but neither of us will ever be perfect. There are some situations/positions I will not put him in so as not to "trigger" him. Nothing great or earthshaking, nothing that denies me anything, just a case of respecting where he came from. He does the same for me.
Because I value both he and our marriage, there are some areas that I found it best not to traverse with him. One of those is, not in a million years would I go into business with him. Money management isnt a very strong suit for him. In fact, it's next to non existent, LOL. So, for us the answer is, I keep on top of some of the money matters, thus taking the strain off of him, and he manages the money and details of his own business (he's retired military, and does lead pouring to supplement his retirement.)
I didn't marry him so that I could have either a business partner nor a caregiver, so that left us both free to be who we eventually will be. Or not. I respect that it's a personal choice for us both. Nope, we aren't always on the same page, but we are in the same book, and that's sort of how I view stuff. We'll both finish the book when we get to the end, and in the meantime, we can discuss the pages we're on. It works for us so far. I dont have any idea what tomorrow or next year, etc. will bring. I'll deal with that when it gets here. I have learned, during this marriage, that my (and his) expectations of the other can only go so far (ie: when I'm working, he'll take care of a few household things, when he's been in the shop all day, I do it, etc. Just sort of normal stuff). When those expectations exceed the ability of the other to fulfill them, then we end up both bruised. So, I remove direct expectations on the relationship, and just allow it to be what it is. Does this make sense? I guess I reached a point where I had to step back and make a decision I could live with--are the strong points in my marriage healthier than the weak points? And what can I do to balance the two. Many's the time we both just had to pick ourselves up and brush off the dust and start again. Life just is. warmly, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Thanks Wren. Not only did you tread lightly but you tread quite acuurately too. I need to get food for the kitties but I'll respond to your reply a little later.
Thanks for your reply.
Gem
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My worst days sober are better than my best days drunk.
What a great thread! Thanks for posting the initial tidbit Wren and then coming back with the personal example from your life experience. And thank you Gem for sharing your personal experience relating to the post. This is really fine stuff here so I'll throw in mine and try to stay on track.
The business Michelle (business partner, love of my life and wife in all respects but the paper) work at is still in it's infancy. I have a good deal more experience working with wood and creating wood products than she, plus near a quarter-century of precision metal fabrication that I enjoyed and excelled at before I became disabled (I have also found that those years of precision working of metal translate extremely well to wood) and often have found myself in the same position as mentioned above. That is, sometimes I see her either "making a mistake" or doing something the "hard" way and my first instinct is to "correct" her. Though I have done so lovingly and cautiously with no intention of insulting her, but merely trying to save her time and frustration, it has been taken the "wrong" way sometimes. It's hard. She's my best friend and I would love to save her the resulting pain and frustration of some of the methods/paths she chooses (in the shop) that I have learned from my own experiences, but I see that she must learn for herself. Yes, it may cost us time and money, but I have found it is what SHE needs.
She has accused me a few times during these instances of being bossy and I've admitted to it (because she's right) but I also explain that business profits are at stake. I then take a good look at it and I have to say to myself that it is worth all the money involved in any project we will ever create that she becomes better at what we do because the education for both she and I will reap rewards in the future. I still catch myself sometimes wanting to save some frustration for the woman I love, but I know she needs to do these things and I need to step back and be silent. Difficult sometimes. And our home is not at stake as is yours Gem, and that is unfortunate for you. I do wish you the best and hope that all turns out well. And yes, I do believe that because of the amount of money, financial security, and personal/business reputation there is at stake for you, there are extenuating circumstances where you must step in and take action to protect yourself and your well being rather than allow things to continue their course. And Chris. Gotta say I envy the wisdom with which you handle your own situations....Your husband too (I mean the way he handles the situation with you also, not manipulation of him by you!! lol). Geeze Louise! I learn so much from this site and it makes me SO grateful I'm alcoholic!
Anyway...hope I stayed on track and added something that perhaps may be beneficial...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Oh, I came home from work one night and found a foreclosure notice on my gate to my farm. I did not cook anyone's favorite dinner that night, I promise. But we sure had a discussion about cows and cabbages........I had this visual of me and the kids standing in the middle of hwy 101 with thirty goats, five bucks, two dogs, several chickens and eighty rabbits. It was not one of our happiest memories, LOL. But, it's stuff like that, that test your mettle, yknow? A good lesson for both of us. That's when I took over book keeping..........
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Oh, I came home from work one night and found a foreclosure notice on my gate to my farm. I did not cook anyone's favorite dinner that night, I promise. But we sure had a discussion about cows and cabbages........I had this visual of me and the kids standing in the middle of hwy 101 with thirty goats, five bucks, two dogs, several chickens and eighty rabbits. It was not one of our happiest memories, LOL. But, it's stuff like that, that test your mettle, yknow? A good lesson for both of us. That's when I took over book keeping..........
Yep! That's sorta like what happened when I put the utilities in my name too! Sure wouldn't wanted to have been standing on HWY101with all that company if it's the HWY101 I'm thinking of either!
Same problem was consistently happening on this end. Problem was conversations and discussions weren't working and I finally blew up, though it took three years to push me there. I am an only child from a family where drunkeness and physical violence was rather frequent so I reckon you get the idea of what I was like as a drunk and a couple of the character defects I've had to work on. But I've come a long way since those days and I don't go around acting out on my initial impulses like I did when I was a drunk. I won't tell you I never feel the urge to royally kick someone's butt sometimes. But I have, with the help of God and the Principles and Steps of AA, regained the power of choice over what I do or how I chose to act. I will growl, snarl and yell though- and frankly that helps me get the pressure off my head in the moment, to everyone's benefit. And sometines I'll still smack a wall or slam a door, though it happens a lot less frequently than it used to. They used to tell us in the treatment center that slamming doors , yelling and punching walls might be obnoxious and not the best way to handle frustration but that was still better than hitting people.
Truth be told I was told one evening by the wife- who was a Dr. of Psychology and had worked as an assistant to the DA in a town on HWY101- of a guy I knew from the program and worked with that I was a walking miracle after hearing my ESH. I remember replying in a deadpan voice "Yeah, that's what they say about us when we get sober..." She replied "NO! That's not what I meant. You're a walking miracle! Do you know that you have the classic background profile of someone that walks into a restaurant with an AK47 and opens fire- or a serial killer? And yet you haven't become that at all." I looked at her and said "You can thank God and the Principles of the AA program for that. Besides, I'm not perfect. I've still got that hot temper" My friend just nodded his head in agreement and said "Ya don't want to get in his way when he's trying to get something done, I know that much." And then we laughed. I guess sometimes you just have to give credit for distance traveled, lol!
Point is, though, that I made a bad choice getting hooked up with her in the first place- even though it was for what I thought were good reasons. To make a long story short she saw herself as a failure in life, just like I had felt at one time. I thought I'd be able to share what I had learned in sobriety, things like where one's self esteem has to come from, how to stand up for one' self and be assertive, how to be alone and not be lonely- you know, all that stuff. And she said she wanted to be a part of the business I was trying to create and wanted to learn the trade too. So I figured I had, having learned a lot about those things myself, what she said she was looking for- and I had the willingness and ability to teach her another trade. She definitely had the ability, that I know. What was lacking on her part was an ability to focus and apply herself- and that is how it appeared to me. So it didn't work out. But I can see her leaving as a gift too. Yeah, I'm panicked about the financial situation and the fears over losing my home but I'm actually more relaxed and am experiencing more peace of mind with her gone than I was under more secure times with her around. And that's a blessing.
Hmmmm. Am I actually learning to recognize a gift in what doesn't appear to be one? Now theres a topic for discussion!
My apologies for the rambling rant but I thought it might be best to focus on me, since I'm the only one that can make the decision to change me. No matter how much I rant and rave that much I do know.
Y'all have a good evening!
Gem
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My worst days sober are better than my best days drunk.
LOL, I can remember how surprised I was when I sobered up and discovered just how angry a woman I was---before I ever fixed or took that first drink. I always thought of myself as starting out as a happy little hippy that got side tracked. Until my sponsor rubbed my nose in self honesty. Hell, it was a good cover....
Trying to fix others; such an easy trap to fall into, isn't it? I realized over the years that I'm a victim of Grandiose Thinking. "Oh, wow, he's really messed up, here baby, let me share my lessons with you and make it all better". Took me awhile (and still does pop up) to figure out that I was diverting from working on my own junk by working on everyone elses. ( I thought). I don't even want to think about what kind of damage I did back then. Again, thanks to a super sponsor who to this day yanks my ears back.
My Hwy101 is the Washington State end. Nearly the very end, I"m way out on the peninsula. There were still four lanes I was going to have to stand out in, though, with all those kids n critters. Just not very busy lanes like it is south of here.
I'm glad you're feeling the blessing in your life right now. Those epiphany's (sp) like to sneak up on us, eh? Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
LOL, I can remember how surprised I was when I sobered up and discovered just how angry a woman I was---before I ever fixed or took that first drink. I always thought of myself as starting out as a happy little hippy that got side tracked. Until my sponsor rubbed my nose in self honesty. Hell, it was a good cover....
Trying to fix others; such an easy trap to fall into, isn't it? I realized over the years that I'm a victim of Grandiose Thinking. "Oh, wow, he's really messed up, here baby, let me share my lessons with you and make it all better". Took me awhile (and still does pop up) to figure out that I was diverting from working on my own junk by working on everyone elses. ( I thought). I don't even want to think about what kind of damage I did back then. Again, thanks to a super sponsor who to this day yanks my ears back.
My Hwy101 is the Washington State end. Nearly the very end, I"m way out on the peninsula. There were still four lanes I was going to have to stand out in, though, with all those kids n critters. Just not very busy lanes like it is south of here.
I'm glad you're feeling the blessing in your life right now. Those epiphany's (sp) like to sneak up on us, eh? Chris
Good morning Chris! Just a couple of thoughts before I head out to sell this morning. You wrote:
"Until my sponsor rubbed my nose in self honesty."
You know how we say that we tend to "get" the program the way we got it? Having others (treatment center counselors, probation officers and other AA members) getting into my face about my behaviors is what I had needed to not only change those behaviors but to even become aware that I had them. Know how we sometimes say that "We came, we came to, and then how we came to believe"? That was the case for me and I do tend to give "the program" the way I got it. I'm not real effective in working with the shy, frightened and fragile newcomers. I prefer to deal with the tough guys with those frozen spirits who think that ego, power and control are what is needed to deal with life on life's terms. I can relate to those kinds of characters! But I also remember the woman in a meeting who had been sentenced to nine months in jail for DWI. She was the housewife who pads the family account type of alkie, never had been in trouble with the law in her life before the DWI. She was terrified about going to jail and was close to tears. So I sat down with her and shared my substantial ESH in that regard and shared what I knew about how to deal with other inmates and being in jail. The next time I saw her, after she'd been released, she almost ran up to me , gave me this big ole hug and said, "Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!" And that's when it hit me- that I had learned how to take the negatives from my own past and turn them into a positive teaching tool that I could use to help others. But I'm still learning (after 27 years of sobriety, ouch!) the how, when's and where's of how to share my ESH. Sad truth is, I can't give away what I haven't got and I can't give anything away to someone who doesn't want it. I'm still learning that lesson. And I've got to own my own part in having gotten wrapped up with her in the first place. If I ever get involved with another woman I'll damn sure try and make sure we're more evenly "yoked" next time, lol!
OK, got to get out and sell today. No sense griping about anybody else's procrastination if I'm not willing to deal with my own!
Note to Timverton:
Thanks for your post too. I am busy and haven't had the time to replyto it yet. But I just want to say that you and I are sooo much on the same page in the business regard!I'll be responding soon, probably tonite. I have some questions I'd like to ask you.
ttyl!
Gem
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My worst days sober are better than my best days drunk.
Yeah, my sponsor was a major bullshitter in her day, and you know what they say, LOL.
I spent a few years working in a rehab, and found myself zeroing in on the shoulder chippers also. It was like watching myself, knowing that I stayed tough for so long because I was so vulnerable, know what I mean? The badder I sounded, the more wounded I was. Lord, I bounced in and out of that door so much I have a chronic crack on my tail bone, but my sponsor made my "tough" look like vanilla. In fact, she still does, and she's getting close to 80. Which is what I sure need, even after all these years. And then there's this gentle part that I try to stay connected with on a more regular basis.
When I got clean and sober, I was amazed at how emotional I became. Being turned off for so long, that's how I thought it was supposed to be. I am so grateful to be able to feel today. Altho, I still go into the bathroom and run the water if I need to cry......jeez.
Every single day, I am still learning more about myself, some revelation. Some I like, and some i really do not like. So I go into a taoist set and say "Waiting is....".
As a wonderful member here so gently reminded me last night (her morning), we are striving for perfection, not expecting to get there any time soon. Self expectations---oy! So I can give myself permission to make mistakes, have bad days, make some errant decisions, and just be human......how freeing, eh? I love some of the women here. Thank my HP for this forum. Hope your day was good?..Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I need to get food for the kitties but I'll respond to your reply a little later. 
"Oh, wow, he's really messed up, here baby, let me share my lessons with you and make it all better". Took me awhile (and still does pop up) to figure out that I was diverting from working on my own junk by working on everyone elses. ( I thought). I don't even want to think about what kind of damage I did back then. Again, thanks to a super sponsor who to this day yanks my ears back.