Hi Everyone, I am a grateful recovering alchoholic. I have been sober for almost 16 years now. I haven't been to a meeting in a long time, but I work the steps everyday. I am here because I need to share and get some advice on getting out of a bad marriage.
I am married to a very controlling man who is an engineer. When we first met 18 yrs ago, I was still battling my alchoholism. I had been to meetings but I wasn't fully convinced I could quit, or that I really couldn't just drink socially (really dumb!). When I first met him he seemed really nice, but after we moved in together it became quite clear that he was controlling and had a real nasty reverse side to his personality.
During our first 3 years together, I managed not to drink most of the time, but when he would get nasty with me, I would slip and start to drink. He pressured me for money all the time and while I did work, and I did pay him rent (it was his house I moved into) and paid for food and my own expenses, it never seemed enough to him. He beat me up one night when he came home from night school and I was in bed and had had some wine that night. He attacked me, and kicked me down a flight of stairs and then outside, then took me to my mothers house and left me there. He said some awful things to me that night that I will never forget, like I was lower than pond scum. He totally humiliated me A few days later, he came and got me, and he said he wanted me to stop drinking. I said I want to also, and would try. I said I had been to AA and I thought that I should go back, and try therapy as well. He went with me to a meeting, and when we got out of the meeting , he yelled at me for standing up and saying "hi, my name is *****, and I'm an alchoholic. He said he didn't want me going to the meetings anymore, that he didn't want me around people like that. He said I had to do it on my own.........and I did. I snuck out to meeting on my lunch hour at times, and had met a few gals that I could call when I would get tempted to drink. Almost 16 years later, I am still sober, but his attitudes and verbal abuse didn't change.
6 years ago I found out that our half of the home that we built together 11 years ago is owned by his mother in what is called a "survivorship deed". This came out due to some family issues in his family. His mother is a witch. Anyway, I got upset when I found this out and when I did, he told me that I had his life insurance from work to rely upon if he dies, and that if I didn't stop making a big deal about the house, he would take that away from me as well, and leave me with nothing.
Mind you, from the beginning I worked, helped to pay bills, and did the housework etc. He tells me that I haven't contributed, so I shouldnt expect to own any of the house. His mother called me and threated me, he did nothing about it. Anyway....I went to a good lawyer last week and she told me she could get me half the house because his mother did not contribute anything to the house, and she could also get me a good settlement. I was thrilled, until it dawned on me that I am sure he will bring up past issues of my drinking during the divorce, and it terrifies me!! I am so ashamed of my behavior back then, yet I am proud that I've been sober for so long, and didn't pick up a drink even during times he really had me stressed out.
I always thought that as soon as I quit drinking and got some sobriety behind me, he would treat me better, but that hasn't happened. I have to admit my guilt about my past has made me be somewhat of a doormat, but I just don't see this marriage getting any better and I am so unhappy. My self confidence is really low and my anxiety is high. I don't get tempted to drink though, and I'm grateful for that.
Have any of you been through a divorce, and how did you handle the stress if your long past drinking issues were brought up and used against you?
Sorry to make this so long, but it's a complicated thing. Would appreciate any advice you can give. deedee
Hi deedee, I too am divorced. Although there were no disputes because there was a pre-nup. My sig other is an attorney, he does not specialize in divorce, but he did lol when i presented this situation. Your husbands threats are empty. Hold strong to your faith you will be ok. Remember, he will never give you more than you can handle. You deserve to be happy. Pls come back and talk to us, divorce is nasty and painful. My husband was also abusive and getting over the first few hurdles were tough. When I got to the other side the sigh of relief was worth it all. I could breathe. You will too.
Thanks Phil and pp for your kind words. I am going to look for some afternoon meetings in my area so he won't know that I'm going. I think the support will be good for me. I work at home so I can slip out once or twice a week. Tell your significant other, thanks for the encouragment.
Phil I read your post on pg 4 about letting go of guilt. It helped reading that...it spoke to me. I have been proud of coming as far as I have until he takes it away from me with a negative cutting remark.
wow! sounds like he knows how to push your buttons, and to use emotional extortion. Maybe some mudslinging can't be avoided, so there is a need to learn how to handle it when things from the past come up. Me, I freely admit that I was a total mess. That actually is part of a proof that the person was incapable of contracting a real marriage, in case an anullment is a possibility. I'm hoping that your lawyer does well for you. I'm glad you continue to work the Steps. I'm with Phil in that AA members do not give advice. Also that we are a 'support' group, which means you can come here and be supported in working your program, as you make your own decisions about what you need to do in your life.
God bless you,
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
yeah, been in a similar situation...when my past was thrown at me, i would just think to myself "thats why i am in AA" and saying the serenity prayer a lot helped too. and yes meetings are important too. you're doing better that you think. these steps are hard and you are demonstrating courage. good for you!
Also can identify with your story, I to went through my first relationship with my children's father with simliar things. Also didn't really drink at that time, but what started out a social well turned into gettin married a second time and well life wasn't greener on the other side. So you are not a lone when it comes to bad relationships, I than turned to drinkin and my self esteem hit an all time low.
Been in the program for 3 in a half years now and am greatful for it today, I almost lost everything back to. to day I live one day at a time and well working toward a better life, with the bumps along the way and know that I don't have to pick up that drink when things seem a little rough around the edges.
anytime u feel upto talking or sharing please feel free to come back.
