What a day this has been. I've been walking around trying so hard to deal with things and I thought keeping quiet was the "sober" way to do it. I thought that me being sober meant that things weren't suppose to bother me. I thought I was suppose to be above it all. Well I fell flat on my face. The bonus part is I am getting a hand up through the help of recovery programs.
I so did not handle a couple of situations well. One younger girl and I in my college program had a run in a couple of months ago. She made it clear she did not like me since then. I tried to pretend it did not bother me. I tried to get on with life and let it go. Well, as in classes, we had to work in a group. I blew up when she treated me with such disregard that I could feel a cold front. It was my reaction that looked so crazy. Conflict, speaking up, letting go, admitting fault, acknowledging my reactions. All good for growth, crappy for the ego when I'm thinking I'm all wise and together. Then another situation where I let things build up and I acted disrespectful and arrogant. Then got called on it by a couple more people. All in one day. I just felt as if I was the worst human being in the world.
So I ate humble pie and admitted my faults and apologized where it was due. And there is a secret part of me that wants those bleeping people to own up to thier stuff too. And the bottom line is that that is none of my business and I can only mind my own business. AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. Who said growing up was gonna be fun!!!!!! I'm thinking I needed to share becuase keeping it all inside was just too much. Take care.
Jo
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I granted myself the gift of sobriety and found my spirit.
Oh, Joann, I just had to laugh when I read this, really. For one of my classes, I had to ask a few people to fill out a questionnair about my listening abilities. I totally expected to get good feedback. Not really, tho. Here I thought I was this great listener, and one person, my husband no less, told me he could do without my sarcasm (which isn't about listening, but man, I got all hurt when he said that anyway), and someone else told me that I needed to listen closer because I would misinterpret some things that they would say. What? ME? LOL, but, but, I listen to others so well! Got a few more comments too, but I'm not gonna get that humble, eh? Long and short of it, I now suffer from imposter syndrome, because I'm not near as together as I thought I was two days ago. Hate looking at my shortcomings. As hard as I try, I don't think I will ever be on top of that mountain singing OM........and that's okay. God made me human, and that spark of the Divine in me won't go anywhere, I can own up to my erroneous ways and be grateful that now I can see them, or hear them in this case. In the old days, I would have jumped into denial and gotten all defensive. This time I just cried, argh.....Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Thanks so much for sharing. It put a smile on my face. And being human......gee what a concept. I just realized that the old, scared me would have avoided the next few classes so I wouldn't have to face these people. But this Jo is going back with the ability to hold my head at least at eye level. Geez, sometimes in my old way it was so much easier to blame and point that perverbial finger at others. God willing not today. Again, thank you for sharing and caring. Have an awesome day.
hugs/Jo
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I granted myself the gift of sobriety and found my spirit.
I really know how you feel. I have done some crazy things and reacting like a crazed lunatic. I once pushed a t.v. off of an entertainment table and was screaming at the top of my lungs to make a point to my ex-A. What I realized is that I reacted when I should have responded. I learned what the two words really meant after I calmed down and realized what I did. Two totally different words having two different outcomes. I then taught myself to be assertive. People are usually Passive, Assertive, or Aggressive. I realized that I was passive my not speaking and responding when I felt I needed to...I bottled things up...then I would react and be aggressive when I was at my boiling point...NOT GOOD
So, what I have tried to teach myself is to be assertive. Respond right then and there when I feel my feelings getting hurt. That way it's out of the way and I'm not holding on to stuff for too long.
Someone once told me to not let people rent space in my head......makes sense now because I allow me to only rent space.
I went to see my addiction councilor today and talk a little bit about the lessons I needed to learn. Really, the drinking, using Jo would have avoided the next couple of classes and held onto the shame and guilt of growing up for a long time. Now, I just see that I have to face those people and stop acting out in ways that I feel shame about.
Yeah, there is a huge difference between passive, aggresive and assertive. I thought I was being assertive when I was just being passive and aggresive. I'm so grateful I have people to talk to about this stuff. It all comes with gratitude that I get to learn from this rather than run and continue the cycle. Thanks for listening.
Smiles/Jo
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I granted myself the gift of sobriety and found my spirit.
