Hi Tipsy,

Well for so many years that I recall, Alcohol was my very best friend, I had found that it was the only thing that would have a direct and successful hit, on my FEARS, one strong drink, and Poof, my fears were gone, and then I could enjoy life with others.

Then..............................the Cucumber has turned in a Pickle, the use of Alcohol, that I had used successfully for a long time, was now my ENEMY. That was so baffling to me,
what had changed??? it had worked for so long at dispelling my Fears, and then it began Increases my Fears, the big one was, Why can't I stop, when I want to.

Well, dammit, I was going to do what no other person had ever done, I was going to make it work again....here come's my Grandiosity thinking that starts when we realize we cannot control it any longer.

It is the DEADLY Progression of the Disease that will not stop, in spite of my great and grand efforts.

When I could see the Gates of Hell opening up, that's when I drank 80 proof at 6:00 in the morning or whenever I started my day, Black out, then Pass out, Black out then pass out, Insanity had entered my life. Nothing else matter, I drank to go directly into one of those Blackouts. Romanticizing and Grandiosity were both long, long gone. I had convinced myself that I was a hopeless drunk, and in those days,
I was just that, I was no longer living a life, just a drunk, getting drunk every minute of everyday.

The deadly Progression of this Disease, is documented daily in the Daily Obits.
So many people die, drunk, never seeing the light of day. It almost took my life,
I clearly remember wanting Out, not the program, but out of my unbelievable wretched life.

My take on your Romanticizing the Drink, and all the Grandiosity that you described,
well I just think it is the Disease talking directly to you. It wants to see us all down for the count, and into our Graves. This is a very Cunning, Baffling and Powerful Disease that WE SHARE. A Power Greater than you and I, is the only Power known to man, and woman too, that is Stronger than the Power of the Life Threatening Disease.

Just like Cancer, or any other Terminal Illness, it will take the life of any Untreated Alcoholic.

Toni


-- Edited by Toni Baloney at 16:13, 2006-07-12

Very interesting post! I used to think this way too, being an artist myself. But that excuse didn't work for very long...

I grew up painting, drawing, designing and writing music. In my adult life, I painted some masterpieces while drunk, and composed some really great songs at the piano, just me and a bottle(s) of wine, after my grandmother had died and left me her home and piano.

Eventually, alcohol and drugs took away all of it. The paintings were lost or destroyed. The piano was sold and the house, gone. My disease progressed to where I didn't have time or patience for the arts. What had been my lifelong passion was drowned out and destroyed by that gnawing aches that are cravings and obsessions with substances.

In sobriety, I have gotten the artistry back, and so much more. I used to have pipe dreams about entering art shows and playing my music before an audience. Finally, in recovery, I have seen some of those things materialize. I entered and won awards for several paintings I have done while in recovery. I have sold a few works. I paint better than I ever did while I was using. I feel my emotions, have epiphanies, do an all-nighter here and there at the easel. My creativity is actually better and broader than ever before. I also used to start art projects and not finish them. I finish them today. I have a safe place to do my work. And I have the extra money to spend on decent supplies, where I would have settled for second-best before.

In my experience, alcoholism lies to an artist, telling him/her that he/she NEEDS alcohol and substances to have that creative 'edge'.... just another load of hores-sh*t brought to you by your disease.

Jonibaloni

I have had those very fantasies, particularly since I have invisioned myself as becoming a successful writer since early youth.

I guess the thing that comes to mind for me now, is that many successfull people were alcoholics.  On the other hand many successful people (to include musicians, authors and artists) were not alcoholics.  The many successful people who were alcoholics, usually died younger than they should have, and usually died miserabaly.  Those who were not alcoholic did not. 

Hemmingway was a very successful writer while drinking and smoking, until he got cancer and put a shotgun in his mouth.  Sorry if I offended anyone with the graphics.

Many people who are just as talented as those who succeeded, did not become widely renown, regardless of whether they drank, or drugged, or not.  Success in anything usually comes with a price.  I can make that price my health, dignity and a shorter life, or I can try to make it based on my boring, tediious, hard work at whatever I want to succeed in, and in my sometimes boring, unpleasant, struggle to stay sober.  Neither will guarantee my success, but one will guarantee me a longer, happier life.