But tonight im just feeling so lonely.. I dont often feel lonely.. I guess im feeling lonely cos i am not intouch with myself.. . When im intouch with myself i have no reason to feel lonely.. But im feeling out of reach of myself right now.. FFS.. Why is doing what will help me so damn hard!!?? Addiction the answer i know.. and psychology - not wanting to face problems which is amusing cos facing them is to help myself but facing them is to accept fault and accepting fault is something a human does not wana do..
Lol psychology is quite amusing realy i guess.. And rationalising it exposes the realities and the realities is often what we dont want to face..
Who said life would be easy..? Lol.
Either way im feeling out of touch and wish this wasnt so.. I know a hug from a friend would help.. Gees sometimes a friend will hug you for no real reason and that makes me feel so great... but i cant say.. . they have no idea of the truth about me.. Just wish i felt as warm as i do when someone holds me... without being held.... Ya know??
Either way tonight im not feeling great... I have not felt great in myself all day.. I have had to put a face on it as much as i could to mask the truth...
Oh, Rob, Dear One. I promised you long ago that I wouldn't subject you to my lectures, especially because I'm not detached where you are concerned, you feel like such a son to me. I'm just too close to being an enabler with you. We've discussed what needs to be done, you know what needs to be done, so I won't go there. I do remember, with clarity, the alienation I felt near the end. Looking around, hurting, and nobody would come within a hundred yards of me, lest I shoot them down with my anger. Only Coletta, my eventual sponsor, would stand there looking down at me (she's 6' tall), and cry over my hospital bed. She'd give me hell, but she always had tears for me and what I was doing to my life. Right now, I feel that way. I want to just tie you into a detox and feed you AA until you get it. Stop drinking, go to meetings, Rob, until you DO "get it". It's as hard as you allow it to be. It's as easy as you allow it to be. So Fing simple, so not complicated. But I can still care for someone I want to shake (ask my kids), so know that I really really am hugging you from here, not just because you need it so much as because I need it too. Your pain breaks my heart, because it doesn't have to be this way. oh, hell. Just know how much I care, Rob. and that I am holding you in my heart. Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
Want to ask you a question, that I want you please to think over, it is a retorical question, so no need to respond.
If a Medical Doctor gave you a Diagnosis of an Illness, a life threatening illness, and then told you of the treatment that would help sustain your life, all the way to the end of a long natural life: If you stay in the treatment, that is the condition.
Here is the question, Would you analyze it, every day, day after day after day, to think over whether or not you wanted to treatment. Would you at least look into the Treatment or analyze it for months, maybe years, before looking in the subscribed treatment.
I say this with love Rob, with my whole heart, it is not a "Me" thing, this Recovery Program, it is a "WE" Program.
Another thing you keep mentioning is that it is a RELIGEOUS Program, has NEVER been, nor will it ever be a RELIGEOUS Program.
It is a Spiritually Based Program, there is such a Huge difference here, that you seem to keep overlooking.
Happy that that Blog helped you, and I can tell you of so Many, Many People that I hear speak about, not having a Spiritual Belief in anything, for many, many years, and yet they stay sober with the Program. Some say that they just used AA, as a Higher Power. And they did get better.
I see you my dear friend as having the same Illness, that I have, Alcoholism, treatment for this illness is so very kind and gentle to so many other illnesses that require Chemotherapy, Dialosys, some Mental Illness, that are treatable, but only to a certain extent.
You and I see others suffering from illnesses today, that require these other treatments, and our hearts certainly go out to each and every person, that is actually so less fortunate that we are.
That lonliness that you are talking about to me translates into the ISOLATION of Alcoholism, a very well document symptom of this Cunning Baffling & Powerful Disease.
There is a saying in the AA Big Book, when we are Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired, then we look for a solution.
I love you and I hold you tonight, because this pain and loneliness is very real to me; is very much a part of what has so-far been my life. I know that when I have felt this way, I could not see an end to it... but sometimes just going to bed and sleeping, if I could, would at least get me to another day... sometimes that next day would be another difficult 24 hours, sometimes not nearly as bad. It is a roll of the dice when we are still struggling.
Cry if you can, dear friend. Sleep, if you can. And hold yourself, too, along with us. You are never never never truly alone, even when you feel like it.
Today i have felt alot better both physicaly and mentaly. I have in a pretty good mood all day. If felt more confident and been more chatty when visiting other departments at work, iv felt less solf concious... Though im not entirely sure why.. Unless it was the chocholate bars? lol who knows..
Well things not right yet obv. But thanx everyone.
Friday tomorrow... I am gona try to go to the meeting. I want to go.. Well we shall see i guess..
That's funny, just went to an afternoon mtg. and someone was trying to get through a bad 'multi-substance craving'....
Chocolate was mentioned, as well as
pick up the 200 lb. phone
meet with another alkie in person
pray your heart out, on your knees
Know, or have someone remind you, that a craving does NOT need to be acted on; that it WILL go away in a surprisingly short time if you do not pick up... (cravings and mental obsessions are, of course, different...mental obsession... that's where the steps come in...)
I feel the same way sometimes, being in my early 20s, sometimes I just wish I had a "normal" life, whatever that might be... the drinking and addiction robbed me of friendships and relationships, or perhaps I robbed myself, and then I look back and see I missed out on college, etc, and I can get pissed off-
BUT, things are looking up, and plently of non-alcoholics feel lonely too, it's not just us- And today I actually have a shot, and can be there with friends and family, etc- this is much less lonely than the active addiction-
I didn't get any good schooling under my belt or get married until my 30's, and although the addiction did rob me for a time (LOOOONG time), things happened when they were supposed to... I am glad I didn't get married until my 30's, actually... and I am NOT OLD!!!! I look and feel younger than when I was using at 22.
Your life has by no means passed you by...
Just stay sober and it will be soooo meaningful, whateevr your endeavors!! I promise there are some interesting and wonderful accomplishments to be had from staying sober!!!
I'm sorry that you sometimes feel so alone. I guess it's something that everybody feels, but perhaps us alcoholics feel it more than others.
I'm in my early forties and I so wish that I had discovered AA at your age. I could have saved myself, and others, from so much hurt and pain over the years.
I recently met a wonderful woman in her early thirties at one of my regular meetings. She was up together, so focussed and radiated an inner peace and happiness as if by magic. I spent some time after the meeting chatting with her. She joined AA when she was almost twenty. She says that now her life couldn't be better. She is happily married and has a young son. She told me that it wouldn't have been possible while she was still drinking.
We all have the rest of our lives ahead of us. We are all so lucky to have discovered AA.
Take care of yourself,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
