I know I havent been on here much at all in the last couple of months.. Iv been trying to get stuff in my head straight cos i was starting to feel like i was losing my mind .. losing myself with the meetings and these boards...
I am feeling better in some ways in my mind in terms to me approaching aa, not really very easy to explain.
My parents being away helped alot, cos all the stress of their drinking and all that brings with it inc all the caughing and hacking and clearing of throats (or atleast attempting to). Wow i dont think i realised how much stress i felt by their presense until they werent there.. Also to have the freedom of the house.. to be able to get into the kitchen whenever i wanted and i could make as big a dinner as i wanted and not have to wash up till the next day cos no one else using the kitchen. I was mainly doing salads but i was puttign loads in them and boiling new potatoes and eggs etc.. Simply everyday stuff to some people i guess.. Also that week was doing loads of walking.. well about 3 miles a day during t-breaks and lunch breaks which has heleped my leg to the point i dont have a problem with my leg any more.
Since they came back iv done very litte cooking, gone without proper meals and had more take aways again.. All which DONT help my self confidence.. Taking the time to look aftermyself and do bigger dinners including cooking stuff all helped my self confidence..
Hmm not to go on about this house to myself stuff, i could go on for ages..
But... Since my parents got back things have got fairly s**t again. All the stuff i said above etc ....
Im feelign fairly self concious again. I was well dosed up on Kalms today and i think without them i would have really been a mess.. but i managed ok with work etc.
I really need/want to get back to an AA meeting now i think.. I think im ready ... or NEARLY ready to do that again..
I had put all my aa stuff in my cupboard and just left it there but its now back in my bag that i take in my car each day... iv read abit of the Living Sober book and iv started looking at the list of meetings again..
I had given myself 3 choices on Tuesday - 1: Go to a meeting, 2: Go fishing at the river (where i prob woudlnt catch anything) or 3: go home and drink..... With a possible 4th : go home shower and get into bed and watch a dvd.. Take a guess which one i CHOSE.. .. Yep number 3..
Has anyone every felt the .. well ya know how hard it is to not drink has anyone ever felt similar about going to a meeting? Basicaly i didng go.. I thought about it today.. going to a meetin i mean.. There was one today.. it was a step meeting a hour and a half meeting... i think that put me off cos i rem that step meetin i went to before..
I still wake up and the first thing i say to myself is "oh ffs .. ffs.. f'ing hell".. I HATE waking up drunk.. or even just abit affected.. I hate the SELF CONCIOUSNESS I feel. Last night i didnt even drink what i call my standard i had less, took a sleeping aid and went to bed at like 20:30!! But felt cr*p today. The Kalms are what saved the day i think.. geese.. i was out in the van with friend today and then i was driving the van myself this afternoon to a place i hadnt been to.. well i knew the road that got me there but not driven to that actual warehouse before all things thatg kinda freak my out when im feeling selfconsious.. ffs.. i hate it.. I have friends who like me and respect me but i dont show my real/true self with them, i cant cos of what drink does to me..
I still at the end of the day look forward to drinking, still look forward to how i will feel when im drinking.. But im pig sick of how i feel the day after and .. well how i feel cos of it.. I get what a few hours a night of this place that i love to go to... but then i have to face a whole day of not feeling great and not being the REAL/TRUE ME....
I am really really gona try to my myself go to the meeting on friday.. iv done that one before and its the least threatening of the ones iv so far experienced.
I want to get back into aa.. wel i say get back into it i spose thats not really accurate.. I guess i should realy say that i want to get myself into aa more seriousely.. .. I hope i am ready for that.. 2 months ago i WAS NOT READY for it.. and i was right to stop going and to stop coming on the boards... If im not ready yet i want to get myself ready for it cos im fed up of how i feel im fed up of my friends not seeign the real me.. the me that is hidden under all this unnecesary baggage.
Im fed up with not being able to do things as i know i can do them without this over my head.. I know im stronger than this, i know im more confident than this, i know im smarter than this.. iv experienced it when iv been sober for a day or more... So i recognise how i feel and act due to drinking and my lack of self confidence and my self conciousness and i know i am SO much more than I currently am.. and im sick of people seeing this me.. Eg today we drove to a place i havnt been to before but iv seen one of the girls there once before and i think shes realy fit, there were like 3-4 other women there and one bloke.. and i kept looking at this one girl. But it was so hard to express my real self and i guess the majority of the time people just dont see the real me.. cos the real me is "on hold"... Geese i know im in no place to date .. even if she wanted to i would have to say no.. Cos my life IS on hold.. If you press pause/hold on a video player after five mins it then plays and just carries on.. But my life has been on hold a long long time.. And im missing out on life so much...
I know im more than this.. I kept saying to myself out load in the car and the vans today that everything that is wrong with my life is because of drink basicaly.. even the things like confidence etc.. i cant begin to address them whilst i am still drinking.. drinking is what is causing all the problems in my life and that if i can stop drinking that evertying else will pretty much fall into place.. Cos usualy i can see good reason to drink.. i can look forward to it.. but on the whole im unhappy.. And i KNOW that im unhapp because of my drinking.. ok my parents drinking is a BIG depressing thing.. but at the moment its out of my control.. but my drinking isnt... I can do things to help myslelf not to drink but im finding them hard.. eg going to meetings.. I guess im not sure if im totaly ready in my mind to go to meetings and do what is needed.. I am far closer than i was 2 month ago to do them, i mean phsycologicaly.
All the way home tonight i knew i was gona drink but i knew i didnt want to feel tomorrow how i felt today, or worse.. I even said out loud on the way home from work "just stop drinking".. but i knew i would and i am.. I didnt even try not to.. I just went round the shop, took money out of machine for housekeeping for parents, got some crips (potato chips) and some beer..
I think i do need aa to get myself sorted..
I have been thinking about this powerless over alcohol thing.. and well i kinda see things abit differently.. If i go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the program, phone when i need help and all this keep me from drinking then i wont be powerless will I because i will be doing all within my power to aid me from drinking so at the moment i am acting powerless cos i am not doing anything within my power to fight it.. if i start going to meetings etc etc and if it works then i wont be powerless any more cos i will be using my power to do things that stop me drinking..
I have been thinkging quite seriousely, epsecialy last couple of days becuase one of my very good mates at work lost his dad on monday morning... hes only 20 and his dad died.. nothing to do with alcohol.. but other illness. Iv told him im at the end of a phone if he needs me... he and his mother who also works here came inot work monday and i got to speak to him then..
My dad is 67 and gets drunk every night, my mum is 61 and gets drunk every night.. I could be in my mates situation at any given time..
Also im in alot of debt, its kinda got worse.. .. i gota get ontop of this but my choice to drink is stopping me gettin ontop of my debts.. If both my parents where to die for whatever reason i could end up on the street cos i couldnt not afford to pay my debts and pay for rent or whatever..
Basicaly im trying to make myself realise how easily i could be ina situation that would be just total hell.. I realise this.. Yet what am i doing..... Yeah you guessed it.. im drinking tonight...
I am realy feeling that i will get to aa soon, either friday or tuesday.. I know i need to go more regularly as im clearly not improving. I am gona try to grow some balls (you cant edit that cos you say that for footballs right?) for friday night. If i chose to go fishing and not to a meeting and not to drink then thats something.. so if i chose that i will atleast feel better.. But i am starting to think that maybe i can just not do it without someone elses help.. Obviously the religion thing with me is a big problem.. Readin that blog the other day by anonymousone helepd alot..
Iv recently spoken to a realy good friend of mine who i had not spoken to for ages and she rekons i should speak to my doctor and say i need councelling.. Especialy cos of the religion stuff that the majority of peopple subscribe to. She thinks that cos most people use religion n stuff that i should seek private one to one counselling. Im realy not sure.. I guess im scared to death of it all.. She says i need to be brave...
FFS how can helping youreself be so f'ing hard!!!
Hmm i think i wanted to say more but iv gone on quite alot.. I expect most people wont read all that iv said but i just wanted to get some stuff off my chest..
I know i ent been on much lately but i have still been thinkin of ya all and i really hope you are all doing ok..
Ya know how hard it is to not take a drink sometimes? Well sometimes it can be hard to get to a meeting in much the same fashion..
Also gettin to a meeting doesnt always do it .. as in i mostly have had a drink after a meeting.. NOT drinking is simple.. but doing that is not simple!! If gettin to a meeting where that simple then not taking a drink would be that simple.. .. sometimes it feels that way.. im not contradicting or challenging.. simply expressing my feelings.
And i guess expressing them in a 'help me' fashion
Alcoholics Drink, that is WHAT they do, When they get into recovery they are actually in an Un Natual State, and stay in this unnatural state, as long as they use the Tools of this Program.
The rooms of AA, all over the world, are group of people that "CAN NOT, NOT DRINK" but strangely enough a lot of us do just that, we don't drink, in spite of the the fact that I belong to this group of people that "cannot, Not Drink"
"An Allergy of the Body, and a Compulsion of the mind" is what I have, and yet with continued Sobriety for over 16 years, so go figure, eh?
Alcoholics Anonymous is a Life Saving Program, many choose never to participate, and belong, and we watch our friends, some very beloved friends, die of this Disease.
The Disease of Alcoholism, in spite of the time I now how, which is almost incomphrehensible to me, when i think about it, the Disease still sits in wait, waiting for me to start thinking the wrong way, and I would be Down for the Count, and don't feel I would be getting back up.
I have an Illness Rob, just like so many other folks that have illnesses, I accept this fact.
Accepting the 1st Step, We are Powerless over Alcohol - that our Lives have become Unmanageable. That is the Step that has to be completly ACCEPTED.
im not bull(and i fail to see how you are allowed to voice such sounds yet we are not)sh*ting anyone. .. im just saying gettin to a meeting can be just as hard as refusing a drink.. sometimes..
calling aa members, following an aa program, doing what aa says is within MY POWER so if i do it i wil be using MY POWER..well everything in MY POWER to do what can be done to not drink.. so IF I DO THAT.. then i will NOT be powerless over alcohol cos i will be doing everything in MY POWER to not drink.. so i dont quite beleve the same as you. but at the mo im doing not much at all so at the mo i am acting powerless over it.. . FFS..
You want to know what really helped me? Two chapters in the big book. There is a Solution and More about Alcoholism. Those two chapters gave me the desire to do this thing. Not easy taking that drink. I couldn't do it. Had to be phsically removed from the environment and put in a place unwillingly just to get my head cleared and even then I didn't know if AA was for me. I tried it and found it wanting. The problem you see was the way I looked at things. Until I became open-minded and willing I could not stay sober. Hope this helps. Take 'er easy Rob.
Seems to me that the people who are staying sober on this board are people who are powerless,not the other way around. Alcohol kicked my ass and is kicking yours too,so therefore you are powerless. Only in being powerless are "we" powerful. I use to think I could do things by myself,but it's much nicer to do things with other people as in "we are powerless over alcohol" Seems to me Rob, you just shot down your biggest supporter you big strong powerful man you. Git a grip and go to a meeting... It's only as hard as you make it.
I must admit I have not read whole thread in detail: only your first post, and I just wanted to give you a cyber hug cos your situations sounds SO similar to mine (although I sense that you are younger, and probably have no children).
While I officially live out of home, I am often staying with my parents (with my 3 year old daughter in tow) because I RUN OUT OF MONEY because I can't stop going on stupid binges. I I might have two days here and there of being straight, and then as soon as I get a chance (usually when my daughter is staying overnight at her dad's place) I blow a lot of money on booze as well as pills. I have even simply abandoned my daughter at my parents' place a couple of times (this is what makes me feel REALLY crappy) - that is, my mother has agreed to mind her for a day while I do some work at home (I'm a teacher & have to write a Shakespeare course for next term) and instead of working....guess what? I get smashed and then can't drive back to pick her up so she has to stay overnight with Mum n Dad.
Last Wednesday I had lunch with a colleague (sorry this is a bit 'confessional': I hope people don't take this as me bringing 'negative energy' to the board) and afterwards arranged to meet my ex-boyfriend, who besides being an alcoholic is also a user of hard drugs (which is one of the reasons we broke up: not so much because I couldn't countenance him taking heroin but because I had AIDS phobia and couldn't tolerate the anxiety associated with having a sexual relationship with someone who injects. But anyway, I digress.) Of course this meeting took place at a pub, and of course what was originally going to be 'just a couple' turned into a major 'swim through'. I missed the train home and had to call and tell mother that I couldn't get back to put daughter to bed.
Anyway, what i could really relate to about your post was the 'self consciousness' problem. I have this big time. Oddly enough, the self consciousness is made WORSE rather than better by the drink, not only that I feel embarrassed around people if I am transparently drunk (which doesn't prevent me from doing a lot of embarrassing stuff, btw), but I also feel self-conscious the day after of course: you know, looking crappy,feeling shaky, all the rest of it. When one has a child and you add the guilt element....well. I need say no more.
But another thing that chimed in with me about your post was your parents' boozing, which I am around a lot, and which makes it really tough for me to stay straight. Not that they encourage me or anything (they'd rather I didn't drink at their place - all the more for them!). Some days when I don't drink I feel marvellous, like THIS IS THE ANSWER, and then other days something comes up, eg tension or demandingness on the part of my ex husband, and (especially if I am at my parents' where I am not the only adult around to look after my little girl) there just seems to be no reason NOT to drink.
That's why I need to get off my bum and go to meetings. Sometimes, in my experience of AA (I'm a relapsed person) , the committment to the meeting is the only thing that can give you a REASON to NOT drink, I think. Yes, it is a problem that I mostly have my little girl with me - I don't think she would be very manageable at a meeting, and plus she is very clever and I don't really want her to hear me going on and on about my drink problem. But if I can get her babysat in order to do 'work from home' (which often means drinking) , then I can get her babysat to go to a meeting, I should think.
I know deep down that I will get sober and stay that way - eventually. But how crappy will things have to get for me before that happens?
Oh well, John, all the best to you mate: you sound like a lovely person and I do hope you go back to your meetings and get your life back.
I was glad to see you posting again when I got on this morning. I actually did read the entire post and I feel for you. I have found it difficult to help myself as well. I feel like it has to do with my self esteem being in the toilet. Why should I spend time and energy trying to help myself? I'm not worth it. Bulls**t. Everyone has the right to live and be happy no matter "how far down the scale we have gone". (From the Big Book) I have found that I CAN be a useful person, I CAN help others, I AM worth the time and energy I put into this program to get well. I have a disease. I am a sick person getting well, not a bad person trying to be good. All of these things I have learned through the people in AA. It has taken me a long time. I only have 3 weeks sober again right now. People in AA told me It's not easy but it's simple. So so so true!
I could not do this by myself. I was scared to death to go to a meeting and have felt that way more than once and for more than a while.....but I just made myself go, and every time I went I heard something that helped me. And eventually it wasn't so scary, and today the meetings are the most comfortable place for me to be. I am safe and loved and NOT alone in those rooms. I am SO grateful for that. I really hope you find a way to get to a meeting. I read your other post about feeling so alone and it broke my heart. You NEVER have to feel alone in AA........Take care of yourself. You are worth it!
I was just re-reading chapter one in the 12 x 12 yesterday....it says that every alkie MUST hit their bottom for the program of AA to really work.
My point is Rob, that if you really want AA, you will do whatever you can to make AA work. The mind of an Alkie loves to complicate things....hense the slogan like "Keep it Simple" and "Easy does it". Hense the only requirement for AA Membership, is the desire to stop drinking-however, you have to actually be in attendance of AA Meetings to be a member of AA.
AA will be here for you....but will you be here for AA?
when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will go a meeting.No one can make you go to a meeting but you and you are only stopping you from going.dori
This would take an hour of your precious time.... if you don't want it, you won't do it. And if you won't take simple easy suggestions and JUST DO IT, then you won't get better, and helping you is not helping me.
I get the feeling that you don't believe that anyone on this board has EVER been as helpless or miserable as you.... WRONG!!!!! I have been homeless BY CHOICE, addicted to alcohol with a crack pipe stuck in my mouth 24/7... and all the sordid things that go a long with a lifestyle like that. I have tried to kill myself. I have landed in jail numerous times, feeling a sense of RELIEF... IN JAIL... because I was off the street!!!!! So don't think for onr minute you have the monopoly on suffering!!!!
Why is my life so different now?
I went to a meeting, got a sponsor, worked the steps, and continue to help others. End of sentence. No special pills or miracle cures. No mom or dad bailing me out. You've got to WANT to want it. And it would be a lot easier to do it now, while you still have a job, a place to lay your head, and know where your next meal will be coming from, because I was scared SH**less when I got out and had NOTHING but the desire to stay sober.
You can do it.... go to a meeting (VERY SIMPLE).
Get a sponsor.
work the steps.
VERY SIMPLE PROGRAM..... if you REALLY want it....
Joni
P.S. to you newcomers, hope this does not sound too harsh, but it is the God's honest truth. It is really as simple as that!!!
I heard a guy at a speaker meeting sharing about his first meeting. He was sitting next to this nice old lady who was knitting while she listen to the speaker. She had a pin on and he had to turn to read it, it said "Work the Steps or Die, Mother Fucker"
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
