Im new to being sober. everytime i see a councellor or nurse or doctor i feel like a specimen, or exhibit a. "this girl is withdrawing from blah blah blah" " and she is suffering from this and that" aaaahhh, when i talk they look at me all screw faced like and will you be.. "safe".. tonight...? have you .."used".. over the weekend? I want to be like "SHUT THE HELL UP AND ASK ME IF I CAVED! IF i FAILED! I HATE YOUUUUuuuuU! !" but of course i act proud and say "no and yes i am safe. yesterday I was in "seeking safety" group and it was the first time i shared. afterwards i felt like everyone was staring at me and thinking that im ugly stupid lying talking for attention blah blah blah. so i went into a panic and i had to be escorted out by a councellor. she made me put my feet on the floor and tell her what colors i saw in the room. I wanted to knock her out. WHO CARES I CANT BREeAaTHe!!!!!! i didnt yell though, i just said "purple.... orange....green.... When she asked me where i saw the colors i had to stop her and tell her i was dying and that she could search for the colors herself after i was gone. She called my family doctor and booked me an appointment to go straight there.... but she wouldnt let me drive!!!! i wanted to explode. I had to call my mom to drive me there and leave my car. On the upside, i got sedated.. and i got a massage. So the day ended well.. and i say ended cause after that i passed out till this morning. my car is still there, i had to taxi to work... Im thinking about billing the detox center, haha anyways i feel bad for hating detox right now cause they really are great people and i am very greatful, im just having a hard time controlling my moods and such. in the end ill buy them a big gift or something. I dunno. Im 20 so they see me as this little helpless girl but when im normal i am strong and i hope to show them my gratitude someday
Like Phil said, folks who haven't been where we've been, just ain't quite sure how to talk to us.
Don't worry about the lab rat thing too much. When my wife was in labor with our first child many years ago, damned if a whole pack of interns wasn't paraded into the delivery room for a short lecture on how to tell how much she had dilated!!! She did inform her OB exactly how annoyed she was about that!
Say Phil, if two shots a day will make you live to be 100?........I figure when I quit drinking, I had already had enough to live to be around 200! Maybe when I'm 199 and a half, I'll have to check with my doc to see if I should start with 2 shots a day again?!?
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 08:59, 2006-06-21
Poor baby, been there, I used to call it privately, Intensive Care Unit. The first 4 or 5 months, got up went to this AA counselors office, and just like I was a 3 year old, she would say to me, Toni, can you give me you promise that for the next 24 hours, you will not put on a "Band-aide", which meant, "No-drugs, No alcohol" I can remember thinking, "you can call the bandages "Drugs and Alcohol", but no she insisted on calling them "Band-aides" Oh well, she was the couselor, and I could see that she was very concerned about me, that is what I needed to know, she cared.
So I would go to the meetings, everyday, another commitment I had made to her, she didnot call the meetings anything other than AA Meetings. so I kept thinking to myself,
Looking back Karina, we are people at that stage, my take anyway, in a real life crisis, and the caring is there, the words might not suit us, but they are professionals, that REALLY want to help us, get through this crisis. I could feel that from her, and as I said, when i would look at her, very pretty, very charismatic, I felt like a real "Marsian" or so different than her, well I was, she was not in a life, threatening crisis, I Was, so I accepted the fact, that I did not get where I was, by just whistling dixie too much, I had almost comatosed myself with alcohol, so I accepted that, I privately wondered if it would ever get better that this. But I held on by my fingernails, remember that feeling so well, not a fun place to me, and I will keep you in my Prayers dear, because it does get better, everyday, is just one step up toward Recovery, and we do make it up and out of that hole, one baby step at a time.
My Love is being sent to you, hope you can feel it. Karina, that was almost 17 years ago, if you just hold on, hold on Tight as you can, life will begin to open up, getting a Sponsor as a Guide throught the Steps, and those meetings everyday, One Day at a time.
and will you be.. "safe".. tonight...? have you .."used".. over the weekend? I want to be like "SHUT THE HELL UP AND ASK ME IF I CAVED! IF i FAILED! I HATE YOUUUUuuuuU! !" but of course i act proud and say "no and yes i am safe. yesterday I was in "seeking safety" group and it was the first time i shared. afterwards i felt like everyone was staring at me and thinking that im ugly stupid lying talking for attention blah blah blah. so i went into a panic and i had to be escorted out by a councellor. she made me put my feet on the floor and tell her what colors i saw in the room. I wanted to knock her out. WHO CARES I CANT BREeAaTHe!!!!!! i didnt yell though, i just said "purple.... orange....green.... When she asked me where i saw the colors i had to stop her and tell her i was dying and that she could search for the colors herself after i was gone. She called my family doctor and booked me an appointment to go straight there.... but she wouldnt let me drive!!!! i wanted to explode. I had to call my mom to drive me there and leave my car. On the upside, i got sedated.. 
anyways i feel bad for hating detox right now cause they really are great people and i am very greatful, im just having a hard time controlling my moods and such. in the end ill buy them a big gift or something. I dunno. Im 20 so they see me as this little helpless girl but when im normal i am strong and i hope to show them my gratitude someday