hi i am rosie and this topic "why suicide" is a real "walk down memory road" for me...... this is MY esh and MY take only ,
i think for me it was the hoplessness of my life...i had horrific injuries, and even tho i was MILES away from recovery, i knew my life was hell...i just could NOT get life to work.....i never could make it work until i came here and i am strggling like hell to rid myself of these old defeating patterns..........i used to hurt all the time except when i was drinking and drugging and even THEN, i would have "sad drunks".....
i felt it (suicide) was the ONLY way i was going to get free of a hellish and hopless life....it wasn't so much, i don't think, to destroy me but to FREE me....i felt my suicide would be the only way i would ever feel safe from the demons that tormented me day and night......i mean really WHAT did i have to look forward to??? until i was able to get away from him it was being his captive and his "paramour" at night....i had to literally rob, commit a burghlery, on his business---steal enough money to get away from him so i could run 3,000 miles away to get away from him.................after i left, it was my horrific mental and emotional injuries that i had to deal with.......
i remember even when i got out of that house, i was isolated/ abusing alcohol, usually a 6 pac per NIGHT....and when i was "buzzing" i fantasized about my happier life, but that didn't always work becuz i HAD to work, i HAD to sober up to do what i had to do to support me which i didn't do a very good job....i had to TRY and suppress the panic attacks i was having....horrible feelings of panic and fear i was losing my mind.....fear i was losing control completely.....i wan't quite sick enough for state aid to put me in an inpatient care facility, and the state mental health councellors they had, my insurance, little as it was only paid for like 20 visits, and the guy who councelled me was good and i use some of his techniques, but it wasn't ENUF for the kind of injuries i suffered.......so i "functioned" i looked good on the outside, but was falling apart on the inside....
i guess , to me life was hell and it wouldn't change........
i can remember telling my Ex, "here i am....why can't i go to a clinic or something and just tell them that my life is hell...i want out and if they will pay off my small debts that i am leaving behind, they can strip me of all my organs and maybe i can save a few lives from being the torture mine was"...like my thinking was get OUT of this hell, but do something GOOD on my way out......
really, i used to rail, "why can't people just go in and donate their parts and END it???"......
i have suffered from post trauma stress syndrome now for what??? 30 years???? i don't really know......i have injuries, i am not EVER going to be able to overcome all this.....i'll walk with a "limp" for the rest of my days....i will not be cured, but i will learn to MANAGE my symptoms/ illness.....i can make my peace with my life...i can try to take care of me/ but really,
at 60 years old, i can keep my eyes open for opportunities, but at this stage in my life, what i am really trying to dois get right with me and REconnect with me and REconnect/ work out my diferences/ problems with my higher power.......thanks to the perp, i will never , perhaps, have a normal perception of the "god thing".....surrendering to a male/ father gender god is like asking a fish to live out of water...........so i do what i can do that works........i try to do the best for me and by me that i can........
at 60, for me, the priority is to make my peace with myself and my life.....take whats left of it and try to find/ give pleasure.....there is no retirement for me, so i work hard to keep my body in decent shape, becuz i HAVE to work until i drop......thats it....
why do i wake up each day???? not becuz i ask to--- as i make my peace with me/ and my inner higher self, i yearn for my "home going" my stay here was mostly painful and unpleasent......so work it through, leave it behind and when its time for me to go??? i am ready, Lord, any time u call!!!!!
i am finding a better way to treat me and i am learning not to fight life, not to get in my own way, but to STEP ASIDE and let the forces of light come in and work my problem.......i AM learning how to live better.......life HAS eased up some on me cuz i refuse to fight it....i refuse to sabotage me by not releasing me from it......i WORK the steps and teh program.....
i am still alone....still poor.....still working my recovery....not much money to do anything much...so i am trying to do stuff that is relaxing for me......
i feel like that guy on "shawshank redemption" the old black guy, who gets paroled after SOOOO many years locked up in that dark, grey prison.... he doesn't know what to do on the "outside"........here i am "on the outside" now, trying to learn a new way to live, new way to think, new way to live with my ptsd, new way to treat me......
all i can do is HOPE there is something joyful out there for me.....some companionship , someone i can get close to.........being able to take care of me/ meet my needs and wants............its so hard, now a days, to find people u can feel SAFE with AND like AND want around me.........so i just go one day at a time.....
to me?? suicide is not a crime..it is not a sin IF the person just coudln't do it anymore and just wanted out of their pain
so much has been written about this awful/ unforgiving god, sending this poor suicide soul to hell etc, and i think that is abhorrent.......yes, it is sad they had to break their contract with god....but why didn't god give them a boost when they were failing????.....WHERE was the life boat??? so is the one who does the suicide ENTIRELY responsible????? i hear about god doing miracles for others...why not these failing souls???? OR was the "miracle" just part of that other person's "life chart???".....
when i was UNsucessfully trying my suicides it was NOT to get attention...it was NOT to harm anyone...it was NOT to get even with anyone....it WAS becuz i felt NO hope.....i felt NO purpose for being here (i still ?? that one) i felt NO releif comming my way......and all that stuff in the bible about "recompense" and "giving back the years the locust took" it didn't happen for me.......so maybe god was talking to someone else, OR it is for the AFTER life.....
what i am trying to do is my step work, so i can go home, "travelling light" i want to get RID of all this karma of pain/ suffering/ outrage/grief, BAD memories HERE....i dont' want to carry this to the other side when i die...
so for that--- i am glad i failed at my suicide attempts......noone gives a rats ass whether i live or die...but i care about me and "what i take home with me" so i stay and i work this crap out and i do my best to embrace all my emotions that i was never able to feel, try to reconnect with my inner child, to me, to my higher power that i believe is within me, etc......i am spending this life , what is left of it, in preparation for my eternal life......thats basically what i am trying to do........so i am glad my higher self didn't let me die all those times, becuz i don't want to carry this karma with me into the next life
when someone DOES, suceed at suicide?? i feel sad that life beat the "life" out of them to the point that they had no other way out..........they say we are not handed more than we can handle, and the suicide rates prove diferent.......suicide is a LAST resort, when there, in the mind of the doer, is NO more hope, NO more bullshit promises welcomed......i know, for me, i am a "show me" person....words don't cut it for me...broken promises, i heard till i could gag.....i have to SEE now.....otherwise i am not going to believe either.....like a higher power....i had to SEE it in this program B4 i was going to "buy ANY of it"..........
i remember when i began reading the bible and all those promises and thinking "oh wow, life IS gonna be joyful/ plentiful/ MEANINGFUL for me"......and i just kept seeing the "same ole same ole" i got up....i hurt...i worked...i hurt some more....i drank to numb the hurt.....i medicated my anxiety which was horrible.....i raged/ panicked when my ptsd symptoms were shooting too much adrenalin...i was shut down/ exhausted when my adrenal glands were too tired from the adrenalin surges and began to alternate them with noradrenalin surges to FORCE me to rest.........all those promises and here i am drowning in pain i didn't understand.........to me??? life has been mostly terrible suffering/ pain/ despair, etc.....
now??? i go ONE day at a time.....i have NO expectations of any "recompense" i just "show up" do what i can do for me/ my universe...work my program.....TRY to stay in the present....the past is too painful, i only want to "look" at it when i am HAVING to thaw out old emotions.....the future is too scary, i try not to dwell on it, becuz i fear i won't be able to take care of me/ meet my needs.....so i stay away , or TRY to stay away from projection of the future......i have to MAKE me stay in the now....literally FORCE me to stay present.....but i will keep at it becuz to do ANYthing but stay in the RIGHT NOW is crazy for me.....past was too painful........future is way to "iffy"....so present it is for me.........
today i am working........today i am decent health....today my bills are paid......today i am managing my ptsd symptoms.......today i have a roof over my head...........
that is how i have to live.......
the last thing i am going to do EVER is pass judgement on someone who just can't take anymore and they kill themselves.....i think when that happens, the forces of light from the other side take that poor soul and wrap them in warm blankets and nurture and love them back into where they can "review" what happened to them and they can work their way into a higher awareness.......i just cannot believe that anyone in THAT much pain is going to be punished........
how many times did i SCREAM for ANYone to come save me while he sucked away my life, with his MULTIPLE assaults on me.....and too, my mother's cursing and blaming me.....how many times did i cry out for god/ et al, SOMEone to come save me...come help me......come show me a SAFE place / person to go!!!! and i got ZERO---- i got more hell........
i am not alive becuz i am brave or special or anything......i am alive becuz something within me wanted to work through this, so i can forever leave it behind.......
to this day i don't know what or IF i have any real purpose in life....maybe its too early in recovery to tell, but i try to tell my story, hoping that i can reach someone who has gone through the same thing as i did, and to show them that "hey it was NOT our crime" it is NOT our inventory....we will NOT be judged for what happened to us and the things we did while we were so sick.......we are NOT less than anyone.....we were just child victims....thats it.....we were the victims of a violent crime......thats it......
i guess i should say "thank u" to my hihger self for NOT letting the perp get the final victory by causing me to kill myself as he had tried to do for so many years.......not that i think i would be neighbors with him, BUT, i would have let his crime against me defeat me......NOOO way!!!!!
as far as suicide for the terminally ill, the folks who are unable to take care of themselves cuz they are sick, too old, alone???? i support it......
my friend had a tenent, old, unable to care for himself, no family to help him, he was sick to boot, he was way behind on his rent, noone to care for him and alone and sick and poor, and OLD...he had nothing at all that a human being craves for ..............he got some morphine one day and shuttled to his room, closed the door and in the quietness there, he took the "big sleep"..... she found him the next day, blue as a whale, lying on his back, looking more peaceful than she had ever seen him...there was a note on his bed stand, leaving her his little doggie, and his meager belongings and an apology for the rent.........she called me up...we talked about it...and i said "well hes out of his pain now".......neither of us felt anything but compassion for the poor soul.....life had beaten him down for the last time.........
do i think it is right???? it depends on the motive, and how hard the person tried to make life work........did they have any support , etc??? its a hard one.....i will NEVER EVER judge a suicide who completes cuz i almost completed a couple of times.....my first time was when i was twelve...i was in a coma for 2 days, and while i floated above my body, i could see the perp kicking me and throwing me against the wall, cursing me for drinking the litre of her booze ......it was surreal....WATCHING him abuse my unconscious body, cursing me till he was exhausted and walked out....oh how i wanted out of there but it just was not to be........ despair and hoplessness can arrive early to some children.....it did for me........i just HATED being here.....
now???? i try to focus on me/ my immediate surroundings/ the solutions to my problems......i do NOT watch the news at bedtime.....i stay away from negative and evil the best i can, and i work to REconnect with me and my higher self.......i rescue my animals and i love my pets i have at home.......i live a quiet life, i am not the "out going social butterfly" so meeting people has always been hard for me.....i fear strangers.....it takes me a long time to feel safe and trust, but the good ones don't seem to mind.....the people i have in my life now are good and they understand my slowness to love-trust.....maybe its cuz they can relate!!!!!
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us here!
I for one am very glad that life didn't beat the life out of you.
Your experience, strength and hope is valuable to many along the way.
I once told my sponsor that I had taken drinking off my list of options, and he simply replied,
"Be sure you take suicide off it as well, because if you drink tonight, I MIGHT get an other opportunity to have you in my life again, but if you die, the opportunity dies too."
I am very glad the opportunity to have you here with us, remains.
