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After the relapse
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Recently had a relapse after 8 years,sobered up on 7-19-19. Shortly before I relapsed, I finally hit upon a Higher Power that I can call God. This didnt abandon me. Now I can go to meetings, say the prayers with the others, and not cringe when I hear something I disagree with. I will call that a miracle. 

No race, religion, or individual has a monopoly on who God is or what he does. This allows me to tune in when others present God contrary to my concept.

I apologize for past snarky behavior here and hope to turn things around.

Have a nice day, everyone.



-- Edited by LoneStar on Saturday 17th of August 2019 12:40:39 PM

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I've learned more
In just under a month than I have in the past 12 years. Part of me feels like an absolute jackass. Another part of me is overjoyed replacing the constant negative bull- in my brains with constant prayer. I give my glory to God and my gratitude to A.A. For leading me in this direction.

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Just celebrated one month sobriety today and when I look back, the last month has been eye opening. I point and laugh at myself for taking 12 years to going to A.A. Meetings before the simplest basics have settled in this thick, thick skull. At this moment I am overjoyed at my finally "getting" this amazing program.

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Good on ya for getting back on track. A little advice from me is, drop the "I had 8 years" from your lexicon. You sabatoge your thinking. You will hit a rough spot eventually and could get a case of the Fuck its. 

What's the use, I'll never reach 8 years again, who am I kidding.

Be the new guy. Really turn over the leaf and go for the entire psychic change that Silky talked about us needing in order for this shit to stick. God bless.



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Thanks, visionz! I'll hook on to that. You're right, I guess the last 8 years can be called the 'Lost Years'. Replacing worrisome thinking with constant replay of the prayer that's always answered quickly, I'd call that a psychic change as well as a miracle.


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I'm just going to use this thread as a journal of my progress from now on. Still locked in and enjoying the psychic change.

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I have always suspected that I'm brain damaged. The fact that I have finally gotten the basics of this after a total of 12 lost years confirms it.

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No sweat LoneStar, it's safe to assume the lot of us in this thing have a few screws loose. I am reminded of a slogan in the rooms that says Steady goes it or something along them lines. Them simple slogans for me, took years to understand. The first year of sobriety I was trying to cram as much aa material as I could, and I did, successfully. But just like drag racing, the car eventually has to slow down. Personally, I am 6 and a half years in and I have finally found a groove in life. That One Day At A Time thing applies not to just sobriety but life in general. I have weeks where I consciously try to put the brakes on time. It really is whizzing by very fast for me. That might be a sign of entering middle age man but, it's real. Typing all this out is my attempt at slowing down. Thanks for reading ramblings from a madman.



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Congrats on 1 month, LS.

Keep up the good work...

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Thanks, Tannin! Update : bad days don't seem so bad anymore. I have come to the conclusion that I have some sort of mental illness or brain damage because I'm only now getting this. I know visionz said to drop the previous years from my lexicon, which I'm still struggling to do. Another downer is I haven't been able to get to my Friday night home group due to work scheduling (retail). Despite thet, the benefit of constant prayer and an enthusiasm for A.A. that I've never had before is a miracle.

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Constantly praying this : "God, help me deal with my %@#+ed up self."



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Today I have to remember that time takes time. I have to realize even though my constant prayer is constantly answered doesn't mean that other mental improvements will be taken care of in a flash. This will be frustrating as all get out, so I have to grit my teeth and soldier on.

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Had a bad day today, but it would have been worse without the constant prayer that's always quickly answered. My experience after the relapse boggles my mind. I can't wait to tell my home group this wild change. Sorry this is so rambling, but the change in me due to constant prayer, learned through A.A., has allowed me to tolerate life better, and maybe one day, I'll actually like living. Thanks is due to my friends here and my much missed home group through the glory of God.



-- Edited by LoneStar on Wednesday 28th of August 2019 10:59:06 PM

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It saddens me that this site is much less active than it used to be, I will still use this thread to keep updating my progress in sobriety. Today is ripe for thwarts and disappointments, with only the constant prayer promising to be the only definite element of sanity. With that knowledge alone, I'm confident it will be a good day.



-- Edited by LoneStar on Thursday 29th of August 2019 11:19:50 AM

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Constantly praying this : "God, help me deal with my %@#+ed up self."



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Sometimes all you need is one. I check on ya man. Hope you don't mind me butting in on your journal. 

We are collectively in a whirlwind and as a society spiraling the drain. Behind closed doors though, is our kingdom. It's up to us to set the tone in the room. Ever notice that? Others around me think the expressions on my face define how I'm feeling and no matter how much I tell them not to read my face, they do anyway. Generally, our type do not smile - I know I don't. Angry son of a bitch. But for what? 

I don't live under that bridge anymore.

I'm not pawning jewlery.

I'm not driving drunk with kids in the back seat.

I'm not burning my life to the ground.



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LoneStar, I am glad you're checking in here.

I know you will get through this tough period if you keep doing the next right and healthy thing.

We are rooting for you.

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Thanks! I have no problem with folks coming on here and sharing their wisdom with me. Stuff I can use for later. Been battling a cold while going to work, staying away from others because I don't want this to spread. You can believe that the constant prayer carried me through the day. Speaking of which, today is Labor Day, a great day to get plowed according to distant past attitude here. Be careful when out on the road, it's amateur night. I miss my home group, they still don't know of my shift in thinking, and they only meet on Friday evenings. Hopefully soon, I'll have a Friday off. Stay sober, my friends.

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Constantly praying this : "God, help me deal with my %@#+ed up self."



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Random rambling. The main problem I had in the past was the inability to separate God from the universe. The universe is chaos and death. God is beyond that.

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The real world is often tough to negotiate, I agree, LS.

Life is difficult.

But we must live life on life's terms. Not ours.

I hope you get back to your home group soon. Perhaps you can get some phone numbers there...

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God really helped me get through a cruddy day at work. Eases the lifelong burden. I had a thought that saddens me. I might have to get a new home group as my current one meets on Fridays and I've not had that day off in months. I'm just not comfortable at the other meetings, though.

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I'm so glad I didn't drink today. And I'm also grateful for finally connecting with God through A.A..


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My prayer for tonight :

"God, help me deal with this %@#+ed up universe, help me deal with this {#%ed up world, but most of all, God, help me deal with my ^¥%#ed up self."



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Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety. In fact, they usually do; and they must, else we would have no life at all.

As Bill Sees It p 6



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This night, I read a news piece about a religious leader who chose suicide rather than continue with depression. In the lost years, I would've used this as fuel for my dry drunk ranting and raving. Now, I don't know what to think. I suffer from depression as well, but these days, I seem to be able to 'snap out of it' better. Depression has a strong alligience to alcoholism, making our already abnormal bio chemistries our worst, life destroying enemies. I hope that man found peace, but I must avoid the dark path of the reaper's willing quarry if I am to be of any benefit to A.A../



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Heard something today from a guy I would consider an AA Hero in a talk he did a few years back. Simple but hard pill to swallow: The only problem in my life is me.

 Crawled in my skin a bit when I heard it. Not just hear it, but I heard it. It struck a nerve because if you are anything like me, my defense mechanisms kick in to overdrive when I heard it. 

I didn't give myself acid reflux disease - I was born with it. I didn't create that problem. We have let in more illegal aliens than ever before in recorded history - obviously a huge problem...I didn't do that. I have exes that.....yadda yadda. Etc.

But it caused me to look in the mirror and we hate that don't we. How much easier is it to point the finger? 



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Good one. This time around I'm focusing on cleaning up my side of the street and keeping it clean so when I point to the universe as the reason why my life is so messed up, I won't have three fingers pointing back at me.


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You ever look at the last line of the promises? 

They will always materialize if we work for them.

I am pretty down to earth and understand hard work but there are areas where I expect handouts. Or just waiting around for answers to fall into my lap. It usually falls on our significant others, doesn't it. You ever feel like your job on this earth is to just be a battering ram and lighten the load for others? We value your opinion but shut up. Today, I will find a way to make someone elses life easier. To lighten their load. Not because I want a pat on the back but because it's just the right thing to do. I will deal with how I feel later.



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Had a drinking dream last night. Lasted about a second before I woke up. Grateful that it was a dream. Funny thing, though, was I had attended a step study dinner earlier in the evening. Still very relaxed now due to the incredible psychic change. The gratitude goes to AA, and the glory goes to God.

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Today is a funny day, as I now have 2 months of sobriety. And, because I live in Harris County, Texas, I am stranded at home due to it being declared a disaster area. I'm grateful for a home with two stories. Still praying the constant prayer, but adding other things to it today.

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LS, I hope you get through all that rain safely. I hope it lets up soon....



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Last Saturday I went to pick up my 60 day chip. It was at a Spanish speaking meeting, of all places. Didn't understand most of the lingo, but that didn't matter. The stories were the same, I can tell you that.

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Going to a meeting today. Not one that I never felt comfortable attending, but there's an old saying about beggars and choosers. Glory to God for my gratitude in AA.

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Congrats on 60 days.

That's a good start. Keep up the good work...

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This day the universe had me in the crosshairs as it seemed that I would miss the chance of going to my home group, but the constant prayer carried me through. A joy seeing my 'homies' again. Told them all about brain damage, twelve years as a dry drunk, and the new way of living. Joyful day.


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Major financial setbacks have me feeling down & out lately. What keeps me going is remembering how bad I once had it during my boozing days. I use to scrounge pennies for a pint now I am scrounging pennies to get to work. Funny, funny world we have.



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Small update that no one here gives a rats ass about: my recent financial crisis actually stings more than we initially thought. This has long term consequences that I must do the time with.

There is only one option left, Acceptance. Time to swallow that pill and move on.



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That's tough, visionz, but something tells me you're tougher. You've got what it takes to eventually kick this crisis in the happy sacks and emerge victorious. I'm rooting for you.

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Thanks I would like to leave a coping mechanism here in case it can be useful for someone else.

In the 3rd step prayer there is a line that goes "to build with me". As it was explained to me, before building anything generally something has to be torn down, done away with or lost. Gods way of making room for something better. When I put that up against my sobriety time, not only is that blatantly true for me, but I am an asshole for forgetting that's how it works. I guess when we stop experiencing loss for some time, these mechanisms slip from our mind. Of course there are plus sides to my situation but my instinct is to hound the negatives, kick and scream until I get my way. Stop being a fairy and take the loss on the chin.



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I am really sick of this world. The better I feel about myself, it seems I'm growing more disdainful of the status quo. All of the fighting, hate, and stupidity is really chapping my hide. That's why I've got to work on cleaning up 'my side of the street'. Praying and AA meetings are the key to success, so I pray that I will gel with the meeting I'm about to attend and not come across as a stammering buffoon, but no matter how it turns out, I, at least for a couple of hours, will be away from the constant bad news.

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Keep doing the work LoneStar....you'll make it.


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Made the three month mark recently. My Depression and 'rage' broken down to brain damage and abnormal biochemistry, easily quashed by prayer/meditation. I have No regrets as I have given my past to God. I Still have quirks but am better able to deal with them.

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A short time before starting THIS thread, I had posted a weepy, dreary thread called 'This is the last time' on the night of my relapse. Thelma posted a message recently after I pronounced that thread dead. It is very uplifting, and I will post it here for the positivity, and keep that old thread dead.


"Wow LoneStar. I'm glad to hear that you have committed to a new direction. How horrible it is to think that you were on a dry drunk for so many years. God bless you and the people around you. (No disrespect intended).

I truly hope that this time you will find peace and happiness in your heart. I know that for me, only when my heart is pure and my motives are true that I have peace and happiness in my life no matter the circumstances surrounding me.

All the best to you LoneStar and may God help you with your ... self. "


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Today was horrible. I swear if not for the simple constant prayer it would have been a lot worse. Tonight is good, knowing that I didn't have to spend the day with raw anger and worry. I wish I could put into sensible words, but anyway, joy to us all.



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I'd like to openly revisit something I talked about awhile ago here, about having this insane ability to make people tip toe around me. It's not even something I want people doing at all. And it is never right away. I can nurse negative feelings for over a year then when it comes out, I can make even a supervisor at work afraid to look in my direction. SOBER. This has zero to do with drinking. How sick am I? 

I need a daily dose of letting go of negatives because I can let go for a week a two but it is like this nagging subconcious thing that is always there as backround noise. 



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We are not cured of alcoholism. What we have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our daily activities." LoneStar, all we have is today....keep on keeping on.....

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4 months as of yesterday. Glad I was able to reconnect w/my home group.

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Don't downplay 4 months bro. It's a very long time. We can all remember not being able to get 8 hours. You have a fan out there.



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Tomorrow, Thanksgiving Day, it will be a day of prayer and gratitude. My home group is not meeting this Friday, but I can't complain as I have reconnected. Blessings of the day upon us all.

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Congrats on 4 months Lonestar! Get-r-done!

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Wouldn't you know it! Now I have to find a new home group. One of the older members there has proven himself dangerous to my sobriety to the point that the last time I saw him, I wanted to punch him. The thought lasted for a second, fortunately, but I did warn him to stay away from me. I don't have any right to demand his removal from the meeting. For one thing, he's been there for years compared to my not-quite-one. Better to walk away. I chafe at having to find another home group, but it will be worth it.

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