" 'Oh no! Not something else to work on!' How often we feel discouraged when we become aware of yet another self-defeating pattern in our lives. 'Who needs this much awareness?' we may wonder. Yet many of these frustrating patterns are rooted in a healthy love- centered search for what is beautiful. We are all born reaching for love. The family system we were born into was the 'school' where we learned what we know about filling our needs. Some of these lessons led us down the wrong path. In our search for the truth, we may have learned to lie. In our search for good feelings, we may have learned not to feel at all. Wanting the best, we sometimes learned the worst. But the worst was learned in search of the best. We are better, much better than the sum of our flaws." "I will learn to accept my frustrations for what they are: the result of my attempts to meet real and legitimate needs." from Days of Healing, Days of Joy
XXXXXXX i am doing family of origin/ inner child pain/anger/grief work, and yeah, this "not something AGAIN to work on" came up for me...it was like "HP am i EVER gonna see the TAIL to this snake at ALL????"......its like, i am thinking i am just too screwed up....but than i "come down" and realize that his "hit or miss" evil cannot in ANYway, win against my and my Higher Power's CONCERTED efforts to help me.........i am finding the LIGHT by going through the darkness.....that sounds weird, but thats what i am doing........i had to completely accept that i am a "human BEING" b4 i could get out of the "human DOING" aspect which was my failing attempt to be "ok with me" i had to "do" and "have" to feel ok about me....now??? i can "BE"........once i really saw that i am HUMAN, with limitations, ok, it sux to find all these bad patterns, but i am a human--
XXXXXXXXX it is OK to be imperfect--make mistakes......i was horribly brutalized and abandoned and abused...i became so shame based i wanted to die....i also have post trauma stress syndrome.....the darkness threw the kitchen sink at me, but i know that the creator of all living things can power me in overcomming this......i DO want the truth about me...even if it hurts, KNOWING the enemy is defeating the enemy.....THAN and only than when i KNOW---ACCEPT---- can i shine the light on it.......in my search to medicate my pain, i drank, i over aate, i became addictive / compulsive ANYthing to avoid feeling the God awful pain of my terror.....but now i face it...i confront it....and i am REprogramming my mind in the TRUTH---- not his lies!!!!! i am OK being me....at least i KNOW what i need to deal with....at least i am NOT denying anything...........
When I was growing up, I had my dreams of becoming a good person, living a good, and giving life.
I don't remember at any time ever thinking, What do I want to be when I grow up? A Black out Drunk, wasn't in my wishes.
Spent a good deal of time in my life, with a goal, and it would turn out to be something like, "How did I just go from the Frying Pan into the Fire?" Did not get it or understand, that my best intentions could not be attained, the oppossite would occur, almost always, and could not figure it out, until Recovery, and getting outside help, intervened.
Today, I try to work directly with my Higher Power, God, first, with my goals, and do not find myself jumping from the frying pan into the fire. If I forget to do that, and try to figure out what is best for my in a situation, and leave God out of the equation, I can have that singeing feeling return in a New York Minute. Practice, Practice, Practice, and Think, Think, Think.
Practice these Principles in all our affairs, o.k., not just some of our affairs. It works if we work it. The less I take this back, the better life gets. I don't know the answer to your question about a tail, but I think there is an "end to the snake". Bye, Bye, Snake, Can't feel him or see him around today,...............................next time I go digging, he'll probably show up, that end part.
a.m. P. S. When I was around 5 years old, lived on the dessert in Nevada, and when confronted with a rattle snake, picked up a shovel, and wacked his tail off, that was rattling. Took the little 4" piece into the house to show my sister, it was still rattleing, (had to ad that this morning, because I dreamt about it last night.) It became one of those family "stories" Could never figure it out. Cannot imagine how I avoided being bitten. Probably has something to do with my thinking, the snake does have an end. Perceptions and memories.
Thank you for the healing post. It is through our humaness that we understand that we cannot do this alone. After failure and confusion the thruth of the Program helps us to find ourselves. This is a walk on the "Dark Side." Only through accepting the Dark can I find my truth.
I am not my addiction. There is more to learn. I am in Lesson. In the depths of my despair, when all seemed lost, I found my greatest truth. I found the wonder of a HP that is BIGGER than my addictions. It is a work in progress. Each day I have choices. I never understood this in my past. Once I got over the "Victim Mode", I could more clearly look at who I am and what I could do for me...
yeah... good question... will we ever see the tail of the snake? will our imperfections finally come to an end? will we ever reach a point where everything is solved and we live happily ever after?
when I first came into recovery,, I thought I would see the tail at the end of one year,,, well... then I had to extend it to two... now I know that recovery really is a lifetime process. I think we only see the very end of the tail of the snake when we pass on into heaven. But that's okay,, because ,, like toni shared today about really seeing the progress she has made and some of the Promises being realized... the Progress and not perfection is GOOD. Some times we see milestones like toni just has on her journey. Sometimes it is other people who notice the great changes in us and progress we have made before we see it ourselves.
So we can be grateful for each step of progress on our recovery journey, and grateful that we have some people on this recovery journey with us.
*skips and shuffles to the song "Ease on down, ease on down the road", from the Wizard of Oz,,, arms linked with the others on this board*
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
