I was generally irritable, restless, and discontent before recovery. As a kid I was anxious and afraid of things. When I found alcohol, I finally found a way to be comfortablehopeful even. Drinking gave me that sense of ease and confidence I saw in other people. Suddenly, I could dance better, talk to girls, and be one of the guys. Unfortunately, the solution soon became the problem, and I had to quit drinking.
In recovery, I felt very vulnerable without my solution. Soon all the feelings I used to drown out with alcohol were front and center. At times I thought I would be overwhelmed by them, so I did what was suggested: I took them to meetings, I shared them in fellowship, I inventoried them, and I worked the Steps on them. Sometimes it worked, but for when it didnt, my sponsor would always bring me back to the present. Hed ask, Are you all right, right now? Do you have enough food, gas, money, right now?
It took a lot to corral my galloping mind and rope it back into the now. But each time Id have to admit that, yes, right now Im all right. Right now, everything is taken care of. After years of going through this exercise, I have the perspective to know that I really am all right. Problems come and go, but Ive always survived them and have usually done just fine. What Ive learned is that the key to my serenity is truly being all right with being all right. And when I can remember that, my serenity returns, and I can actually live happy, joyous, and free.
