I've been sober now for seven months and 18 days. It's really crazy how extreme the ups and downs are at times. I have some really good stretches when everything's going great, but then that's followed by an unexpected crash. I also suffer from clinical depression related to my alcoholism. I have this intense fear of relapse, as when I go to meetings and hear other people's stories of when they've relapsed. Recently I've been cleaning up our house trying to get it ready to sell and have come across alcohol that's still in the house. I did the right thing and boxed it all up, but didn't get it all out of the house right away. It took me a few days to actually get it out of the house. For some reason I just couldn't make myself dump it out. I had to take it to a friend and ask her to do it for me. I fear that I was keeping it around as a backup plan for bad day. The same day that I had found the alcohol I had found an old prescription bottle of Norco that belonged to my wife. At the time I had just set it aside. Yesterday when I came home from work I was going crazy trying to find it. Once I found it I just stared at it for a while. I wasn't sure what my intent was at all. I took it with me in the car when I went to my appointment to meet my therapist and told her the story. She asked me if I wanted to find it to use it to get high, to overdose, or to throw it away and I really didn't know what the answer was. She then asked me if I had it with me in the car. At first I paused and wasn't sure if I'm going to tell her the truth or lie about it. Ultimately I told her the truth and then she asked me if I'd like to go get it out of the car and give it to her, which I did. In both of these situations I ended up doing the right thing and staying sober, but they were very close calls and I very fearful that I may not make the right decision in the future. My sponsor tells me I just need to focus on the fact that I made the right decision and to not be so overly critical of myself. I just hate the fact that my mind went back to this attitude of wanting to use after 7 months of sobriety. It makes me absolutely disgusted with myself. Does this ever get better?
A valuable lesson I use when my mind is down in the dumps is to change my perspective and focus on being grateful.
7 months is light years to that poor soul just walking into a meeting who can't stay sober longer than 16 hours. Surely I've been doing sonething correct if I have 7 months clean. What do I have to offer that guy? I better have something.
You've come to the right place after going to the right place and doing the right thing...can you celebrate without mind and mood altering chemicals. Your counselor and sponsor are treasures...YAY!! and you did the right thing YAY!!
You now have learned more "get sober" stuff...YAY!! I am not being trite because the YAY is part and parcel of how I got here and what I do to stay here...sobriety. It will never go away for me so I learn more as often as I can. I've had pints of booze talk to me as I sent to pour them out...trying to reason with my alcohol addicted mind on how more prudent it would be to just hang on a bit while my nose entertained the vapors passing thru and then not to throw the bottle out because it was decretive and would make a great sunlight reflective on my kitchen window sill...I remind myself of that description of our disease that reminds me that this dis-ease is ...cunning, powerful and baffling and 3cs...I've not caused it, cannot control it and will not cure it so I must learn how to live with it with my program of recovery. I was born alcoholic and from the age of 9 there never was enough I could not and would not handle and it has taken a world wide recovery program of like people to keep me stopped named AA.
Thank you for bringing your recovery and the FEAR subject...it is one of my best lessons...I've learned soooo much about it with my HP standing over my shoulder showing the way. Keep coming back...please and congratulations on your sober journey...add another day.
Oh before I forget to add...I hated this fricken program when I first arrived and it took tons of time with resentments and anger and spite and threats against others to just leave me the hell alone to finally surrender before the next drink. Welcome and thanks.
-- Edited by JerryF on Sunday 22nd of July 2018 01:52:58 AM
Glad you found us ... Congrats on 7 months, 18 days ... ... ... that took me years to accomplish ... I wasn't as smart as you and when I came across an old 'stash', I simply stewed about it a day or so and finally thought 'what the hell' and drank the stuff ... BAD decision ... Guess I hadn't suffered enough ...
For me, it took about a year of 'meetings' every day, to break the 'mental barrier', to go through that 'total psychic change' they refer to ... and once that happened, I never looked back ...
Glad to have you with us ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
