Whats the most loving thing I can do for myself today?"
My drinking career was filled with a series of self-destructive situations, actions, and events. When I was drinking, I didnt like myself very much, and I didnt care what happened or how much trouble I got into. Part of me even felt like I deserved bad things. Because I didnt care about myself, I also didnt care much what happened to you either. As my life caved in on itself, and my demoralization was complete, I hit my final bottom.
In the sober light of day, I began my Step work and explored my drinking years through the use of inventories. I uncovered some dark resentments, discovered the character defects that I used to deal with them, and eventually found a way to discard the old self that had been driven by the disease of alcoholism. The most painful part of that whole process was how much self-hatred I had for myself. Ultimately, what I learned is that the core characteristic of this disease is unrelenting self-loathing, and an unbelievable obsession for self-destruction.
The power of the Twelve Steps is that they have released me from this prison of hatred. By working through the layers of the disease the shame, the complete incomprehensiveness of my feelings and actions I finally arrived at the truth of who I really am a child of a loving God. In my core, I am not the dark illusion of the disease, I am, instead, a beacon of Gods light. Today, I ask what the most loving thing I can do for myself is. Just the fact that I can ask that question evidences the profound change the program has made in my life.
