God, grant me the serenity to accept my own rate of recovery."
When I got into the program at 36 years old, I looked around at all the 20 year olds and younger and got depressed. I felt like such a loser to have wasted so much time. It didnt help that I was also unemployable, had no direction, and essentially didnt even know who I was. Years of drinking had robbed me of the growth and progress I saw others making. When I started counting days of sobriety, I felt like I was in kindergarten again.
None of this was good for my fragile ego. It didnt take long for the resentment and anger I felt to be turned inward, and soon the person I hated most was me. I constantly judged how I felt and how much progress I was making, and whether or not someone with the same amount of time was doing better. Unable to accept my own rate of recovery, my sponsor reminded me that I was exactly where I should be. This was hard to accept, especially when I didnt like where I was most of the time.
As the years have passed and I have stayed sober, I realize how much I learned through my journey in recovery. Ive learned to accept that I got sober when it was right for me, and that the bottom I hit was necessary for me to do the work ahead. As I look back on things, Im glad I didnt get that job or that girl I thought I needed. Instead, my recovery took the route it needed to for me to become who I am today. Even now, when I get anxious or impatient, I remember that Im still exactly where I should be.
