Serenity is paying attention to what Im doing right now."
I have a mind that races ahead of where I am, plans outcomes, anticipates obstacles, and prepares for the worst. Its a busy mind. If its not in the future, then its reviewing the past coming up with wouldas, shouldas, couldas. Drinking offered a respite from this obsessiveness, and for a few hours I was thoroughly grounded in what was happening in the present. But then my bottom forced me to get sober, and my mind was off to the races again.
My restless mind wouldnt let me alone during early sobriety. I woke up in fear, worried most of the day, and at night Id lie awake imagining dark futures fueled by what ifs. Thank for my sponsor and the fellowship. They had many suggestions, like when they told me to keep the Big Book at my bedside because reading a few pages would definitely put me to sleep. It worked! They also taught me about being of service, about prayer, and about building my spiritual toolkit. That all worked when I worked it.
Many years have passed, and while Im recovered from the obsession to drink, my mind still likes to get into the future and look for danger. This is the path to insanity for me. Thankfully, Im much better at reigning it back in and focusing it on what Im doing, what I have, and how fortunate I am right now. I have more than I need to be happy, joyous, and free. And most of all, I have a God of my own understanding, and I have serenity in the here and now.
