Hi everyone. Today is my first day sober. I know that alcohol causes me to be destructive and angry, and it's really taking a toll on me and my relationship with my boyfriend. I've been wanting to quit drinking for quite a while, but by the time 5pm rolls around, I just say fuck it and tell myself that I'll just have a few; that I won't binge drink. Then I proceed to binge drink. Last night I had one too many at a holiday party. Most of the night, I was happy, I think. It's all kind of a blur. Then some of my boyfriend's coworkers wanted to go out to a club. We were dog sitting though and needed to get home to let her out. They kept saying to me "Come on, let him go for a few drinks!" as if it was my fault. My drunk self got very offended at this and proceeded to take it out on my boyfriend, yelling at him and accusing him of blaming me for us needing to leave early because of the way his friends were asking that. Such a tiny, petty thing that shouldn't have even phased me sent me over the edge. By the time we got home I was screaming at the top of my lungs at him, pushing him away when he wasn't even coming towards me, slapping him when we wouldn't let me finish speaking....and this is not the first time I've behaved that way. I have no idea why he is still with me. He deserves so much more and is so good to me, all he tries to do when I get like that is leave to let me cool down. But I'll block the door to stop him. Amazingly, I haven't had the cops called on me yet with my drunk screaming episodes.
I didn't used to be like this. I didn't used to be anxious, jealous, self conscious and depressed all the time. I never used to get panic attacks. Now I get them almost daily for no reason at all. My anxiety has become so intense and so constant, I lost my job and haven't even been looking for a new one because the thought of a shift at work slips me into panic attack mode. Just daily tasks are so hard for me to accomplish. If I do absolutely nothing but one load of dishes all day, I count that as productive.
I want to go to a meeting, and I know I won't succeed at this alone, but I get crazy social anxiety (I get anxious going to the grocery store) which I usually ease with a few shots of whiskey. I'm terrified honestly, even though I know there's absolutely nothing to be afraid of. I guess I'm asking you all for some insight on your first meeting experience to help ease my anxiety and hopefully to get me into a meeting soon. I know this is what I need. My relationship will be ruined if I don't stop drinking, and that will be the first of many things it will ruin.
-- Edited by alinicole12 on Friday 15th of December 2017 03:19:10 PM
Greetings, A12. And welcome t9 this forum. Thanks for sharing honestly about your situation.
My first meeting was a long time ago. I was still pretty frazzled from my last drunk.
What I remember most about the meeting was how honest and open the people who shared were. I was shocked. Those people told parts of their stories--which were so much like my story.
Pickle makes a very good point ... One of the things I was told, early on, was to listen for the things I could relate to, rather than the things that I didn't understand ... At first, I thought these folks were nuts and I didn't belong there ... I stopped going and I got so much worse that I found myself 'willing' to go to any length to get and stay sober ... so I went back and stayed long enough to see what they did and how they did it ... cause I knew then, for me to drink was to have a slow and painful death, which nearly happened ... that was nearly 10 years ago ... so if I can do it, so can you ...
I started off going 'ONE' day without a drink ... then that next day, I promised myself I would make it this one more day without a drink ... 10 years later???, here I am ... sober, productive, and happy ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
My first meeting was a "candlelight meeting" in a church basement. Turns out that I didn't understand the abbreviations in the AA Meeting guide and I had turned up at a "transgender" meeting. It was cool and everyone was nice...I just felt a little out of place.
There is something to be said for being in a group of people, so completely different than myself, yet hearing so many similarities.
My take away? A drunk is a drunk is a drunk...and we all have more in common that we might think.
