When I came into the rooms, I was buried in shame. Without alcohol to escape into, I was overwhelmed with remorse over many of my actions. As I moved towards working the Fourth Step, I was desperately afraid of what I would find in the abyss of self. I was sure that once I uncovered how bad I really was, no one including myself would accept me. I was definitely at a jumping off place.
As I began putting my inventories together, I discovered something else though. Yes I had acted poorly and had made many selfish decisions, but I learned that much of my behavior had been driven by the disease of alcoholism. What I found was that my actions werent necessarily who I was, they were just my actions. And if I was willing to own those actions, make amends, and stay sober, then I could recover through working the Twelve Steps.
As I continued to uncover, discover, and discard my character defects, I found something even more important. I learned that all my experiences especially the bad ones I felt shame over would turn out to be the most useful in reaching out to and helping others. I learned that my pain was often the key that allowed others come to terms with and overcome their own pain. All the experiences I had tried to run from had value, and in Gods hands they uniquely qualified me to be of service to His other children.
Today, I no longer wish to shut the door on my past, nor on my pain.
