If Im invested in the outcome, Ive kept God out of it.
I was a big ball of self-will before I entered recovery. In most things, it was my way or the highway. If I couldnt get my way, Id change jobs, or relationships, or Id move. When I planned something, Id start with the outcome I wanted, and then I invested my time and effort making sure I got it. The trouble is, I often did get what I wanted, but it turned out that it was either never enough, or the wrong kind, or ultimately it wasnt what I wanted after all.
When I entered the program, I learned an entirely new way of living. The biggest change was to put my will aside and instead ask what Gods will was for me, and then try to follow that. This was as hard as it sounds, because all I knew was dependence on self. But by praying, meditating, running things by others, I often could distinguish my selfish will versus what God would have me do.
One of the surest ways I have of testing how much I have truly surrendered to Gods will today is to ask myself how invested in the outcome I am. If I have planned everything out to the last detail, then I can be pretty sure Im into self-will. But if I instead take the necessary actions, and then suit up and show up to be of service, then I remain open to Gods will. And ultimately, if Im truly willing to be open, I find that what God has in store for me is always better than what I could have wanted for myself.
