I have another question about making some amends. So here goes. I am a 56-year old Canadian living in Japan as a permanent resident. The things I did are as follows:
1. When I was 13 or 14 years old, I bought a ticket of a friend's younger brother for a KISS concert. The ticket must have cost $7 or $8 dollars, and I am pretty sure I stiffed the guy.
2. When I was 15 or 16, a friend of mine lent me $20. After failing to pay him back he said that his mother wanted him to get me to repay the money, which I think I never did.
3. I spent a few months living on the couch in the apartment of a friend of mine. I had moved to Toronto in 1990 and with no place to stay asked him if I could stay at his place. I am certain I NEVER contributed any money for the rent or food etc.
4. I attended a friend's wedding in 1990, was unemployed and broke and failed to but the newlyweds a wedding present.
The first guy might be difficult to track down since I the last time I saw him in Canada was over 25 years ago. The second guy could be contacted since I a friend of mine's younger brother works with this guy in New York City. The last time I had ever seen him was in Toronto in 1989-90.
The 3rd guy, well I know how to contact him, or through a friend, and the last guy lives in my hometown in Canada and I know how to reach him
Should I do the right thing, seek out these people, send the money with a note of apology? We wedding gift that should have been given over 25 years ago?
BigZen
-- Edited by BigZen on Friday 25th of August 2017 05:36:17 AM
Is that last entry what you want to hear BigZen? Do you really want one or all of us to tell you that or Awwww just forget it... Ours is an honest program so for me that is the principle I use along with "How would I like to be treated"?
When I started the amends practice my sponsor told me don't cheat yourself by cheating others and so when I found I owed because of just no repayment or theft I added interest along with the letter of apology. I was reasonable not a martyr. I kept the story short and didn't plead for mercy I had already extracted. Where I couldn't find the person I owed I gave the payback to charity without mention of the wrongdoing. Since the wrongdoing remained in my memory I had no justification to forget it ever existed. There are some amends I continue to make by giving away in the program to those who follow my former alcoholic behaviors while I cannot locate the actual person I hurt.
"Continued to take personal inventory, and when I was wrong promptly admitted it". Hang with the winners...become one. (((hugs)))
Well I have made on financial amend before. I had a used to have a sponsor here where I lived in Japan, but he passed away a few years ago. He was an American Catholic priest who started the local AA group. I did my inventory with him in 2009-10 and it was a financial item that stood out of the long list of things I told him about. I had not repaid $250 to a couple in Ottawa, Canada from back in 1994, so I returned there in 2011, met the woman, and gave her $500, since I figured that is what the amount would have been years after with interest...We met, and she was VERY gracious accepting the money and my apology. The reason I am not sure about these amends is that they seem "trivial" being $7 or $20 but they are stuck in my craw.
I understand with the words of my former sponsor whispering in my ear..."Do it anyway". That is what I do. I do it anyway. Last amends for me took in two round trips to the west coast from Hilo and after I was done the victims told me they never imagined that it would have ever happened though they remembered the wreckage I caused and then left them feeling guilty that "they" caused the situation. I am so grateful for this program and what I was led to do.
A Catholic Monseigneur hearing my last 5th step told me that he had never ever imagined listening to a person that knew themselves so well. Okay...done.
Do the amends Big Zen...check it off the list and move on to another member who needs to learn the same. (((hugs)))
JerryF's sound advice of 'do it anyway' for me, captures the essence of what makes aa go round & round. You can ponder, you can dream, you can wish something all you want. But year after year we witness these thinker types walk in again telling the room how they have 12 hours sober and ready to try again. I have heard it said that aa is not for those that want it. It's not even for those that need it. It's for those that do it.
That share carried an extension of purpose for me Vision as I got into recovery in the 70ies and the fellowship stopped at "for those who need it" and now "for those that do it" seems timely and logical. We have our share of "lapser" here who we support and love and still nothing happens if nothing happens. They come back in talking about "doing again" and we step up to support again and can't "do it" for them while the supporting helps our recovery grow. I like it. (((((Hugs)))))
Thanks again for all the insightful replies; it really is appreciated. Just one more question about the specifics of the amend. As I wrote, two of the debts date back to the mid-to-late 70's. Is it important for me to calculate what the current 2017 monetary equivalent would be for the $7 and $20 I failed to repay?
What may be important here is how that person would have used that money ... if spent on disposable items, then use the inflation rate from then to now ... if they'd have invested in stocks and bonds lets say, then the value could be considerably higher, a small fortune as it were ... your call ... personally, I'd go for the standard inflation rate and call it a day ... the main purpose here is to attempt to right a wrong ... doesn't have to be a big issue ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
You may ask how to determine the inflation rate??? ... just figure what a gallon of milk cost back then, or a loaf of bread, or a gallon of gas, then compare it to today's costs ... there you have it ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
