I just joined here, out of the fact, that I have talked to some people in my AA circle but still do not find relief from the issues that are presenting themselves.
This may be long, so I don't really expect anyone to read it, but here goes...
I have been in and out of the AA rooms for many years. But this year I relapsed and ended up going to treatment for the first time. It was an amazing 28 day program which I loved. I have been out of treatment for exactly a week. I had the opportunity to make friendships with 32 unique and incredible women, some of who are on the same journey as I am and some of which are not.
There is one woman who got kicked out of the treatment program after I graduated, even though she won't admit that she got kicked out to anyone. She came to a meeting three nights ago and I was so happy to see her. Until I realized that she had relapsed. She was completely wasted. It wasn't the fact that she was wasted at the meeting that bothered me; it was the way she was treating herself, and all the people that have come to love her. She was verbally and emotionally abusive. I didn't say anything to her that night, but the next morning I sent a heartfelt text saying that I love her and she's strong and an incredible woman but I felt disrespected and didn't think that I would be able to tolerate that behavior again (I am trying to work on assertive boundries).
She came to the meeting the next night, still slightly intoxicated but with a better attitude, and apologized profusely. I said that I had already forgiven her but that I was completely worried. I left the meeting half way through because I had work to attend but her behavior apparently got more and more obnoxious and she made a lot of the common people we share uncomfortable. It broke my heart tonight to hear about these stories.
Tonight, for the third time, she not only showed up intoxicated, she brought alcohol to the meeting, which she ritually threw out with some girls, which could have been therapeutic. But I noticed one thing
She will only communicate and associate with those who will condone how she is feeling. I told her tonight that I am not willing to stand by her unless she is ready to take action. I was accepting of her struggle, because God knows I've been there, but I cannot be around her again and again if she is not willing to start building a plan. That is for my own recovery, and setting boundaries.
But I am completely riddled with resentment, anger, guilt and judgement. I have felt such serenity the last 52 days through working this program, but now, I am at a stand-still... I am angry with myself for feeling judgement towards this woman who I have come to love and hurt for her. I feel anger with her as well for being so deep in self-pity. Why am I feeling this way? Am I wrong? Where am I at fault in this and what do I do?
I guess I was just wondering if anyone else has been through something similar early in recovery, or if theres any wise words about where to go from where. I have connected with two ladies in other groups and my sponsor and will talk more about this in detail later, but for now, I just needed to get it off my chest...
There is a story about a new military aircraft pilot who panicked while in the air and as his jet spun wildly out of control, his first intuition was to pull the stick down to try to correct it. That only made it worse. He jammed the stick in all directions to no avail. His co-pilot screamed 2 words that saved their lives: LET GO.
The jet leveled out on its own and they completed their training.
I understand the situation you find yourself in ... You can only work the program for you, not for someone else ... you cannot keep someone else sober, just yourself ...
I've seen some in AA that could not or would not open their minds to our simple program ... and now they're dead ... One of the most important things for me was to selfishly work the program for myself first, then as I gained experience and wisdom, THEN I was able to share good, heartfelt info with others ... Early in the program, when I ran into trouble, I asked senior members what they did when certain situations came up ... so I followed what they did, cause it worked ...
Do you have a good sponsor??? ... I suggest working with a good sponsor closely for the first year, it's invaluable experience and can make life a lot easier ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I love the pilot story as I am a former pilot and it is true regardless if you believe it or not...Letting go most often works and often times for one real reason...you are making it worse for yourself and for her by trying to fix what you deny can be fixed.
Ha
Very well put. If only it was that easy to feel human about it at this point.
As the former spouse and failed fixer of a alcoholic/addict wife I can tell you and with all of the experience and imagination I had and tried to use to fix my wife It almost killed us both. Let go and Let God ...that is what worked and still does. Your reluctance is part of your disease. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
