I used to be the master of self-sabotage and self-destruct. If things were going well or might go well I had the knack for ruining them. Surprise party for someone close to me? I would get tight at the party and spoil it. Great job interview in the morning? I would sleep in because I celebrated too hard the night before. I foiled countless opportunities and thought my punishment was Alcoholics Anonymous.
When I was 90 days sober, at my regular Wednesday night meeting to take a chip, I left because they were out of chips. I went home and drank. I beat myself up for months over that and finally crawled back four months later. As I worked through the Steps, I continued to make mistakes, and my anger grew into rage. To my surprise, I found my rage was mainly pointed inward, and thats when I discovered that the core characteristic of alcoholism is a deep self-loathing. That is why we can ruin so many lives and drink ourselves to death
It has taken many years to move beyond the illusion of alcoholic hatred. What I found is that in the core of each of us is not loathing, but rather love Gods love. Recovery means that we find this love and learn to act from it, and to share it with others. We rely on the Steps to helps us grow past the destructive impulse of the disease, but we must remain vigilant because the disease never goes away. Today, I still have a self-destructive button, but I also have the path to healing and love.
And today, because of recovery, I have the power to choose Gods love.
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Copyright @ 2017 Michael Z
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am ... Thanks for ask'n ... just now learn'n to drive again, LOL ... still very weak though ... there are not enough words to describe what 'hell' 5 months of Chemo really is ... Actually, it's a lot like trying to DeTox for 5 months ... and I thought a month of THAT was bad ... I kept think'n, ... Lord come take me now ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
