I have been sober for six years, and they have absolutely been the worst years of my life. Before you think I'm in danger of a relapse, well, it's not gonna happen. I'm poorer than I've ever been. I'm practically homeless. I'm considering filing for bankruptcy. And I'm entertaining thoughts of suicide. And I've reached a decision. I'm not attending meetings anymore.
Because I'm tired of talks of miracles and promises. Tired of hearing wonderful stories about how lives improved after decisions of sobriety. Why haven't I received any of these blessings?
"Maybe you're doing it wrong", is a common answer. Well, the thing is, with my background, I should be serving a life sentence or even be on death row. But I have no felonies. Drug testing me will reveal an abundance of caffeine, nothing more.
In truth, I wasn't an atheist before joining A.A., I became one after.
"Well, why don't you go to a downtown A.A. Meeting. There's a lot of guys who are as bad off, if not worse than you." Well, I don't want to commute 20 miles to see a bunch of hard luck bozos who are off the alcohol, but are hitting the paint fumes and cough syrup like the dickens.
Going to an A.A. Meeting is like being set on fire. It's tortures of the damned going to meetings and hearing the same crap over and over again, because it's just not true.
The real tragedy for me is that if I would've gotten a break or two, I might not have this mindset. And I don't blame A.A. for my present misfortune, but I would if I still believed in god. What also saddens me is with only experience, but no strength or hope, I can't be of service anymore. Many people like it when I chair meetings and read "How it Works" because they like the sound of my voice. But I can't shill things that I don't believe anymore.
I will say that A.A. Has done one good thing, and that's a healthy aversion to ONE of the things that destroyed me.
I'm not leaving A.A., but I will attend only one meeting a year to pick up my yearly chip.
Hi & thank you "GoofyMan" for your post. I mean that, thank you because I know what its like I've been having a similar way of thinking of late. I'm almost 4 years sober and before I'm thrown to the Loin's for feeling sorry for myself and having the "poor-me's" it isn't that at all. I've heard so so many different opinions and advice good & bad. But at the end of the day sometimes I simply don't have a clue as to why things are the way they are, and what the "Hell" I can ( if anything ) do about it. But that's OK just putting it out there..!!
Take Care
I understand how and what you're feel'n all too well ... first thing that comes to mind is lately I've thought of just what my last 9 years has got me ... (It's all about ME you know???) ... LOL ... ... ... OK, I been sober for 9 years and I came down with prostate cancer, dealt with that, then came the stroke, survived that, then surgery for a blocked carotid artery in my neck, then open heart surgery for blocked coronary artery, just finished cardiac rehab when my next checkup revealed cancer had gone into my bones ... Had my last Chemotherapy just last Friday a week ago ... I'm just now getting to where I can walk again ...
AA and it's program and members have taught me how to live life without alcohol ... A BLESSING without question ... They taught me to wear a NEW PAIR OF GLASSES ... to see things differently so as to make better decisions and to learn to enjoy what's in front of me ... ... ... Today, I'm alive ... I can enjoy being a friend to someone in need, or enjoy the friendship of someone here to comfort me in my time of need ...
If you can bear to look and see your situation with a different outlook, and see things as they could be, just maybe that'll be the start of your new and improved 'journey' ??? ... ... ...
Happiness is a 'state of mind'... ... ... We are what we 'think' about ... ... ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hello Goofyman,
sorry to read of your misfortune. 6 years seems like a long time, especially when all has not gone your way, but things can change, time heals, at some point you may look back and think that it was just part of your journey. don't be afraid to ask for help, not only from professionals but from people that "have what you want" in life. one of the most very valuable things that this program taught me was that I was "terminally unique" and that I really didn't need to recreate the wheel, but rather needed to follow in the foot steps of those that went successfully before me. Sometimes we "get a break" but more often we make our own breaks. I realized early on in sobriety that I was a horrible employee (amongst other things lol) and that perhaps I needed to be self employed. I chose a service business, and sought to learn from others and duplicate their process and as a result I achieved similar success. I did get help, took a few classes and seminars, and it's been a good thing for a long time now.
On another note, AA did it's job for me. I learned how to live on a daily basis and not pick up a drink. Fortunately, I got sober, for the most part, at an AA club, that hosted other 12 step groups, and found myself going to these other groups. I can mention them here as this is not an AA group. I got a lot of help in the Adult Children of Alcoholics group (both of my parents were Alcoholics). Great literature in that group, I feel like I discovered a lot of about what was blowing up my life, and that I was sabotaging my success at every turn, likely because I had an overwhelming fear of failure. Another program that I worked was Codependents Anonymous. It helped me enormously with relationships of all kinds. So many booby traps in this subject. I needed a lot of help. I could go on about how I used to think that AA failed in this subject but now I know that AA needs to keep it's focus on getting and staying sober, that's a lot right there. And some will tell you that "all the answers are in the Big Book" and maybe they are if you can read between the lines. But I believe BW wrote that we should not stop here, and that we should seek out other forms of enlightenment for our spiritual growth. Keep searching till you find it GM, don't give up, more will be revealed.
I am sorry to hear of your miserable experience in AA meetings. As you make no mention of the steps, I am guessing the past six years have been an attempt at osmotic sobriety, based on the advice you may have recieved. That is, dont drink and go to meetings and everything will be fine.
Well, you are not alone in that. I was involved, a few years back, in the start up of a litterature based meeting. Its format was to study the big book, and take what we learn and try to apply it to out daily lives. Pretty simple really. We thought it might do some good for the newcomer and were surpised to see the people that found it most useful were those who seem, from your post, to feel like you do.
One chap told me he had been going to AA for three years and was thinking of leaving. he said he had done everything suggested, 90 in 90, get a sponsor, go to meetings, dont drink even if your ass falls off, and nothing had changed. He still felt like crap, nothing was getting better. That was the result of osmotic sobriety, trying to absorb sobriety by osmosis through your seat in an AA meeting. It wasn't working and he was gonna leave.
He then expressed amazement at what he was finding in our study group. "I never heard about any of this in the meetings" (he was going to), he said. And he was more amazed at the effect on him when he started to put what he was learning into his daily life. Now he is coming up seven years sober, and very happy about it. I use his story as an example, but I met quite a few others in the same boat.
I didnt have the same trouble with the God bit. Probably too stupid to argue, so I just accepted that it must be important or they wouldn't keep going on about it. When I started, I did not believe in any god because I had no experience to suggest that one existed. By the same token, I did not believe there was no god, because I had no evidence to suggest that either.
Maybe, in my limited way, I came to a conclusion that I was willing to believe if I got some evidence or had some convincing experience. After all my options were somewhat limited. It seemed to me I was at the jumping off place. If I had power, that is sufficient power, to beat this problem, then I had no need of any greater power. My own power would suffice. Unfortunately my power was not sufficient as all the evidence showed. If I lacked the power, and also believed there was no greater power, the I was F%$#k4d before I even started.
However, if I kept an open mind, and a willingness to believe, they told me this was enough to make a start on the program of recovery. I can look back and see how it all worked, but at the time I couldnt see much at all. It seemed to me that my future wellbeing depended on me finding some kind of Power that made sense to me.
First four steps, nothing happened that I was aware of at the time. Step 5, the biggest leap of faith I ever made in my life, and everything changed. I began to have an experience. By step 10, the whole world seemed to have changed. I was by then convinced that this all works, that the book had been telling me the truth, and I have continued having experiences, and my faith today is based on actual experience rather than theory.
I had been an ignorant bigot as far as god and religion went. Unlike many, I had no good reason for this attitude, no bad experience with the church or religion. More like no experience, and still very little. Prejudice was my thing, contempt prior to investigation. Some how that attitude got changed to a kind of reserved open mindedness, and from there a change began to happen. The drink problem was removed, and a relatively normal, growing, life experience began. The drink problem never came back.
My experience in the AA program is much the same as Fyne Spirit's ... the more I went to meetings and worked the program, the more my eyes were able to see through what was real and what was B.S. ... ... ... Life is better, still have struggles, but it's better than the alternative ... Faith in a power greater than me, God for me, is what kept me moving forward ... ... ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
