Welcome to the forum, beav1. Glad to have you onboard.

Left to my own devices, "that voice" would eventually convince me that, somehow, it would be OK to have a drink. And then that it would be OK to have a drunk. I have found that I need to hear "those voices," of my fellow AAs, when they describe how they lived with alcohol and without.

I hear "those voices" in meetings and in personal conversations with my sober friends and acquaintances.

For me, the danger is isolating. I cannot hear what I need to hear unless I am among real people who are like me and who are trudging the same road.

I go to meetings and participate in this forum to hear and read what I need...

Its really nice to know that I am not the only one hearing voices hahaha!

I have actually named my voice " Homer Simpson". Every time he pops into my head I say aloud " I am not listening to you Homer".

It makes me laugh and not take it so seriously which seems to help a lot. (Makes me look like a nutter talking to myself tho, but I can accept that)

Really glad that I joined this page- thank you to all who have taken the time to reply. It has helped me to keep moving on and to be even more convinced that I dont want to give up. Bless you all

The voices you're referring too are nothing new. It's actually been mentioned numerous times throughout my illustrious career, whether by accident or not. Even though the nature of these voices may still be unclear; the experiences, however, are certainly real.

The demons I've encountered over the last 16 years have more to do with my unwillingness to change rather than some half-baked excuse.  And one thing that sticks out during that time is how those feelings ebb and flow.  At times they seem close enough to manage, while at other times they feel almost unbearable. It's only when they become blatantly obvious that I need to take extra precautions.

A good friend once said and I'm quoting here: "No one is ever alone in their thoughts, whether by choice or circumstance". I certainly agree.  People from all walks of life have experienced some form of inner conflict, similar to the one you just described, and a lot of those people have come through unscathed.   

I've personally trudged through years of self-doubt and steadfast deniability, not to mention the years of outright defiance towards anyone in recovery. It's been the bane of my existence since God knows when. And it's nothing new in the world of recovery as far as I'm concerned. We've tried everything; meditation, prayer and even psychotherapy, but the voice keeps nagging us like an old habit. I guess it's just part of the deal, now that I think about it.  Even if you try rationalization, it will only suck you back in.  So I just try to deal with it the only way I can, by giving back.

I try to live by a simple philosophy, "do more and think less". The more I give back to this simple program the happier I become. It's been a game changer for me. I can also relate to what Tanin said earlier, and I'm quoting again: "For me, the danger is in isolating. I cannot hear what I need to hear unless I am among real people who are trudging the same road. I go to meetings and participate in this forum to hear and read what I need". How True.  

So the bottom line here, at least for me, has less to do with mixed messages and more to do with recovery. And the fears I continue to experience every single day are directly related to my innermost struggles, nothing more. The facts still remain, however: "It's easy to become an expert on what not to do instead of doing what we know is right". Again, something I'm all too familiar with. That's why I try to give back more than I receive. By doing so, I'm not only remaining true to my cause, which can only enhance the program going forward, but it also relieves me from the bondage of self, something I struggle with on a daily basis. Trust me, it makes perfect sense when you consider the alternatives. Not to mention, it's the only path that to can lead to self-reconciliation, not self-preservation, something I know all too well. I hope you agree.

Onward.  

-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 18th of July 2017 11:05:35 AM

I kind of knew I was an alcoholic, but I am not sure I understood what it meant to be alcoholic. It is a common problem and probably why such a larhge portion of the big book is devoted to the first step, diagnosing the problem. Do I have the phenomenon of craving that doesn't occur in ordinary drinkers? Yes I do. Do I have the obsession of the mind, that this time will be different, that all I want to do is have a good time? Does my memory fail to prevent me from picking up. Am I prone to those strange mental blank spots? Yes to all of that. Have I lost the power of choice in drink? Absolutely. No question in my mind, no delusion that I will ever be able to drink safely.

It took a few experiements to get to that point, the last being to step into the nearest bar and try some controlled drinkig. LMAO, I had tried this and failed so many times, but I still needed convincing. The plan was to have two beers and be home by six. I got home by six, just four days later. That put the cork in the bottle for me. I realised I was suffering from a fatal progressive illness that was too much for me to beat alone and that I was not going to live much longer doing things my way. I had lost control, and lost the power of choice, and knowing this gave me the willingness to do whatever was necessary to recover.

It is summed up in the abcs. I was finally convinced that
a) I was alcoholic and could not manage my own life
b) That probably no human power could relieve my alcoholism
and c) that God could and would , if he were sought.

No one could have convinced me of that, and I am not trying to convince you. You have to look at your own experience, and reach your own conclusions.

Great post Fyne Spirit! Beav, that voice is your disease trying to kill you. It's always going to be there, but you can silence it with comparing in, instead of "comparing out". The literature in this program answers all those doubts. I tell that voice to stfu and get back in the trunk of the car. What helped for me was understanding my "MO". If I picked up a drink, then this, that, more of this and that.... downward spiral, more unfortunate consequences, doors closing, friends and family abandoning me, jails, institutions, insanity, and death, but not before a whole lot of suffering for me and the unfortunate people around me. That's what my disease wants for me. Spirituality is the different path. But I have to be living int he moment to experience Spirituality. Drinking will put me anywhere but living in the moment. Drinking at best is mental masturbation, and at worst took me to a lot of dark places that became my alternate reality. So much so that I had a hard time distinguishing between that and reality. Reality today is living in today, knowing that I'm going to be ok, without a drink.