I tell you, there is nothing worse than a head full of AA and a belly full of beer.
I'm 37 soon, and I've had my spells in and out of the rooms since my early twenties, 3 years having been the longest I've been sober, or should I say DRY?
Back then in my earlier years I never really had much, so i always felt a little "up and coming" and that being sober was part of a "New ME" resurgence plan, and that it did.
I stopped boozing as much and taking drugs and i got my life on track (i went to meetings), had a family, made a good career for myself and i soared to new dizzying heights...and then stopped going to meetings, but i was ok!!!! i got this...IDIOT.
So now I'm the 36 yo dude, who is as miserable as sin, cantankerous, passive aggressive, angry at everyone and the world. With a sick sense of entitlement, full of self pity, self centered and remorseful, spiritually bankrupt...I'm binge drinking again and all this anger comes out sideways, and as the book says the blackouts are getting worse. I'm humiliating my family and embarrassing myself and its taking its toll trying to come to terms with whats happening and that fact that i just want to hurt me WTF...self destruct.
So all I've done, instead of being honest all these years is I've used my will and just replaced drinking and drugs with OCD obsessions...first work, money, then running then golf...etc..and then these things wouldn't work out so i would try to fix it with possessions and money and family ...what i'm trying to say is I've made a fucking mess of it all because i just haven't been honest and I've never been so sad, or ever been without hope as much as i am today. the thought of having to feel like this for the rest of my life because i cant drink is undeniably difficult to comprehend.
please tell me what to do as i need a meeting but i'm fighting it like fuck and just making so many excuses.
Not going to type out my story, to be honest there all pretty much the same. I can relate to yours, thats for sure.... I never really done much of this online meeting stuff, i guess thats what one would call it. Last time was about 4 years a go i was on a chat room thing like this. found myself where you are now, went online drinking and talking about my drinking, which is weird but true...
Wife finally kicked me out, found myself at this long term motel place, living there trying not to drink, but that was like impossible to do. One night I woke up middle of night, crying, and out of my month came the words "I am a Fucking Alcoholic" Dear God Help me. I know like oh boy big surprise.... right ..... But it was like it was the first time I really saw it, i mean i had said that shit in meetings 100's of times, even had a few sponsers, even stayed sober one time for like 6 months.... But it was like i finial saw it .... I saw step 1 in my life.
To be honest I was lucky still had a job/insurance, I checked my self into a recovery center (psych ward) stayed for over a month, moved into a sober house for 3 months and had to get an apartment for about three months. Before wife and i finally got thing back on track. My sober date is 02/24/12 The promises in the book i can say have all become reality.
Now when i share some times I'll say something like it only took me 10 years a 3 months to do the steps, 10 years for step 0ne and three months for 2-12....
I drank for over 30 years, I was 52 when I sobered up.
I guess the only thing I can say, is the truth is in that book, but it sure wasnt doing me much good just sitting on it, or talking about it. I got a sponsor, not some nut case guy, i found a guy to walk me through the 12 steps, and now I do what he did with me with others.
please tell me what to do as i need a meeting but i'm fighting it like fuck and just making so many excuses.
I have an honest reply but would like to know if you ever checked back here. Not wasting energy on someone that puked their feelings online because they were drunk.
Wife finally kicked me out, found myself at this long term motel place, living there trying not to drink, but that was like impossible to do. One night I woke up middle of night, crying, and out of my month came the words "I am a Fucking Alcoholic" Dear God Help me. I know like oh boy big surprise.... right ..... But it was like it was the first time I really saw it, i mean i had said that shit in meetings 100's of times, even had a few sponsers, even stayed sober one time for like 6 months.... But it was like i finial saw it .... I saw step 1 in my life.
Well, WhoopieFuckingDo. It's a start. :) Are you for real? There is a proliferation of Bogus Troll Aliases to mess with newcomers on this forum. An example of how easily they are fabricated can be found here: http://aa.activeboard.com/t63028173/just-to-say-bye/
