Glad I found this site, looking forward to reading everyone's messages. I've tried the live chat but it wasn't so much for me. So... here's my deal...
I started drinking at about 14 and haven't stopped since (with the exception of when I was pregnant). It's been 19 years... WOW.... I don't think I've ever really noticed how long it's been. As most of us it started out all fun and games, typical rebellious teenager having a good time. The older I got the more I drank, quantity and frequency. Going out twice a week getting blackout drunk, then it was 3 nights a week.... This led to many bad situations. I've been sexually assaulted three times, something I to this day have a hard time dealing with. Somewhere along the way I met my husband and we've since been married and had children. Aside from my children, meeting him has been the absolute worst thing that's ever happened to me. The mental, emotional and physical abuse was constant. Breaking into my messages on my phone and social media, always making accusations (but basing it on nothing), terrifying fits of rage (his hand is permanently mangled from punching things), injuries to me physically as well, controlling the money so I wouldn't have access and was subject to whatever he felt like giving, I just recently found out he's been cheating on top of everything else (I figure numerous times in various degrees over the last decade)... I could go on... But I'll stop there, I think you get the idea. I stopped going out and started drinking at home, which I had never done before. I was strictly a social drinker. Fast forward to the present, basically blackout drunk every other night. I am totally useless when I'm hungover (Panic disorder since I was 11, which is aggravated by the hangover) and it lasts the entire day, sometimes two. By the end of the second day I'm ready to head to the store again.
I'm so tired of the cycle. I want to stop so badly!!! But when the evening hits and I'm not hungover, it's like my body just takes over and my mind is left in the dust... watching my alcoholic body march itself into the liquor store again. I'm now starting the process of a legal separation, I think this will help a lot!! It's going to be horrific starting over again, not having worked in years and not having a great support system, but I think I can do it. However, my self esteem has been beaten down so much, the negativity and lack of self worth keeps bringing me back to the bottle. If it wasn't for my children I honestly don't think I'd be here today, they are my reason for living. I am now on day 3 of no drinking, which is 1 more day then usual. I feel so much better !!!!! I have energy and motivation to do things. Normally I'm basically a permanent fixture on my bed, only getting up when needed.
One minute I feel empowered and confident... but the closer to the evening it gets the more doubt I feel. How do I overcome this?? Come bedtime I know it will be the only thing I can think about! :( :(
Welcome to this here discussion forum, DH. And thanks for sharing parts of your story with us.
Seems like you've had a rough time of it. But you're still kicking. And you just might be coming to the inevitable realization that there is no hope for you if you continue on your drinking path. That's good.
Being sober 3 days is a terrific start. Pretty much a miracle. Good for you. What to do now to stay sober??
Don't drink today. No matter what happens, don't drink today. You can stay sober for 24 hours. You have proven that.
Also, You have proven that you need help to stay sober. You can get help here. Just post and someone will reply and share with you.
Can you go to an AA meeting in your area? Have you gone to any?
In time you will likely find that you and your husband are codependent and that you both have deep emotional issues and that you have hurt each other. The Serenity Prayer tells us that the only thing we can change is us.
No other program has the long-term success rate that A.A. has. I concur with Tanin that it is a good idea to try A.A. for yourself. A.A. is a "we" program and not a "me" program. That means we support each other and do as little alone as possible. Note that alcoholics who seek out A.A. don't come in needing a "tweak", but a major overhaul. Results will be slow and difficult at first, but all the hassle and aggravation of a modern drunk driving charge is more. We have achieved long-term sobriety and so can you.
Whether you realize it or not, you have already been blessed with God's grace.
Please note that there is no excuse for physical abuse, which means it is NEVER your fault and you DON'T deserve it. Your life and health are at stake and possibly that of your children. At "minimum", it may be necessary to live apart from your husband for a while. Since we don't give advice per se, only suggestions and our experience, strength and hope, I won't say any more except that sometimes we find it necessary to seek professional help and there is a pamphlet on the subject: The A.A. Member-Medications and Other Drugs, pg. 13.
Hi Dh welcome I will have 11 months Friday same situation married 37 yrs abuse verbally physical n mental I am starting separation also. Just one day trust me I was at the same place I we are all here please come back God Bless you
It is very possible to not just stay sober, but to be happy and whole without the person you thought completes you.
In my case, it is almost as if the seperation was a key part of my recovery. I have seen my part in the downfall of that relationship, but it was equally as sick coming from their half. In other words...
Hi DH . I'm just coming back after being on va 4 year hiatus. I have 6 days today and believe me I know what happpens as evenning comes on. You can do it just one day , one hour or one minute at a time. You have the will. Pray to whoever is your higher power may be. Keep us updated. You care worth it!!
