I didnt pray or meditate much before I got sober. If I did pray, it was either to keep me from getting into trouble, or to get me out of the trouble my selfish or self-seeking behavior got me into. As far as meditation went, my mind was way too busy for that. Besides, I had parties to go to. As my life spun out of control, I had very little tools to help me deal with the emptiness and desperation I felt most of the time. Finally, alone and afraid, I reached the bottom of my life, and thats when I finally surrendered.
When I began attending meetings, I heard a lot about prayer and meditation. I thought I was screwed because I didnt know how to do either one. My sponsor was very patient with me and told me to just start by talking to God. When I told him how angry I was with Him for letting my life get so bad, he encouraged me to tell God about it. He told me that God could handle anything I might say to Him. So I did. I yelled and cursed and told God off. When I sheepishly told my sponsor some of the things I had been telling God, he smiled and said, At least youre finally talking to Him. And thats when I began to get better.
Today I know that God doesnt care how you talk to Him, only that you are talking to Him. My awkward attempts at prayer counted, too, because at least I was praying. And each time I tried to meditate for a minute or fifteen minutes I still felt better because finally I was meditating. Today I know that any effort I make to connect with God is rewarded because God is always there, always listening.
Today I know that trying to pray is the same thing as praying.
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Copyright @ 2016 Michael Z
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
