I drank so much and so often that I didn't care how alcohol had a grasp on me that infiltrated every corner of my life. It was like a giant weight strapped to me that I thought I wanted. I spent all my money on it, there were times that I thought I needed it, I had myself convinced that some how things were better when I had it. I thought in some ways that it made me a better person, more confident, more capable of getting through difficulties, but in reality, it did not. I thought I couldn't enjoy music unless I was drunk, that was really stupid. Comedy too. But I realized when I stopped drinking that I still like music and comedy, in fact, I like it more, better quality, and I can really hear it and feel it and remember. 

Each day in my recovery has been different. My feelings for things have changed more lately than ever before. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am. Who is this new sober girl? What does she like? I have lots of old habits and thinking patterns, some of which are easier to re-train than others. Some mornings when I first wake up, if my head hurts for a second I wonder how much I had to drink last night before I realize that can't be the reason anymore. Sometimes everything seems weird, like the speed of time changes where moments go by so quickly and other times, things seem to take forever. I see myself with new opportunities and no idea what to do with them. I feel like I want so much all at once all the time, and I want to push myself in a million different directions, but I don't have a clue what is really best for me. This is probably the same kind of craziness I was going through before, only now, I have something to be proud of. Now, I have a choice, where as before, I did what I had to. Each day doesn't always feel like the beginning of a brand new luxurious life filled with excitement and happiness, but it is. Even if I do nothing at all, say I just lay around in my pjs all day and don't shower or go anywhere or do anything productive, if I didn't have a drink today, I did the best thing I could for myself, and I should be proud. Now obviously I want to do more than just lie around all day, I want to live, not just survive. I have to remind myself that I'm doing well, and not to beat myself up anymore. 

Getting sober is not a quick fix like taking a shot, it's a strange, unnatural process that takes persistence & patience. The only thing I was every really persistent at was getting drunk, so it is taking a while to get used to. I am hard-headed, and that kept me drunk for a long time. Now, I am using that hard head to my advantage with the one thing stuck in there being "I cannot take a drink". I don't do that anymore. Not one drop. One sip of one drink would mean throwing away everything that I care about, everything that I've worked so hard to achieve. I don't have to feel that way anymore. That doesn't mean that I'm always going to feel wonderful, but, it does mean that I don't have to pick up a drink and go back to that kind of life. I owe it to myself not to.