Back in 2012 after four years of sobriety, a woman who was in recovery about a year after I was, made me embarrassed by acting slutty towards me at a meeting. It was quite clear to me that she wanted to hook up, but I dont hit on women in AA and I am not used to woman who haven't the guts to speak to me, to act as she did.
Now the thing is, I really didn't know her at all, just her name. She seemed to be able to speak with other men (and women) with ease, but not me. She was attractive enough, but I put my sobriety ahead of anything else.
After that, I figured that she had some social issued that needed resolving, and her issues are not mine. Nevertheless, after this I noticed some of the women who I knew in AA, acting strangely towards me. Turns out she had been talking behind my back, more of less saying that I must be gay or weird. I am not either of those.
The point I am trying to make is that no one has the right to feel uncomfortable at AA meetings. That goes for men and women. AA is NOT a bar hookup place, and the ladies have no right to expect any man to take them home for sexual relations or to have a romantic relationship with them.
I did stop going to that meeting, for another one in my small town, but after a few months she started showing up there. She then she has since started giving me dirty looks, which I can handle, but she herself brought this down upon herself. I am not going to stop going to meetings because of her past horniness indiscretions.
Ladies, dont expect the men at AA to wish to have a romance with you unless you can at least speak to them, and maybe not even then. Believe it or not most of us men want to stay sober, and dont go to AA meetings to hookup with you. Please allow us the courtesy of at least binging willing to speak to us firsthand, as well.
Ranger, sounds frustrating. If this affects your meetings, you may need to talk to her and resolve it. I am gonna bet she has a whole different spin and thinks something distorted or totally different. So...what you are saying is absolutely true, but remember, she didn't wind up in AA for being Miss Thang and has problems you can have empathy for auch that it makes you feel a bit less angry. Anger is yucky to feel. Even when justified.
Ranger, sounds frustrating. If this affects your meetings, you may need to talk to her and resolve it. I am gonna bet she has a whole different spin and thinks something distorted or totally different. So...what you are saying is absolutely true, but remember, she didn't wind up in AA for being Miss Thang and has problems you can have empathy for auch that it makes you feel a bit less angry. Anger is yucky to feel. Even when justified.
Peecee:
I am not really angry at her, per se, but her actions are very strange, to say the least. Most women, alcoholics or not, speak to the men they are interested in, not come to a meeting wearing skimpy clothing and trying to draw attention to themselves, as she did during that failed "hookup", without ever speaking to me even once, for three years previous to that event.She certainly had many opportunities at regular meetings, as well as at the pot-luck meal meetings we have as well.
Whats even more odd is that she is very much an extrovert, and has many men there whom she has spoken too for the last seven years since she started coming to the AA meetings. It's obvious to me that she must have some unresolved issues in her past, but since she is fairly popular there, most people seem to like her.
This last summer she managed to have a relatively very new alcoholic man, who caught a DUI, help her move to a different house in the same town. I have not seen him since, so I am wondering if she is not using men to help her out in life, and if this behavior is causing men to abandon AA meetings to their very own detriment.
Since she has chosen not to speak to me, ever, after seven years, I see no reason to speak to her. It would seem to me that she is using/manipulating men in AA.
I am thankful that God, in His wisdom, has allowed me to see that even in her sobriety, that she really needs to get some professional help for whatever ails her.
Ranger I get where your heart is I have been there, but allow me to simplify it?
A female hit on you, big deal get over it. AA will survive.
Sounds rough I know. See it for what it is without your opinion.
You're absolutely correct that 13th step'n isn't just a guy problem, women can also cross those boundaries ... I wish this wasn't something we have to endure, but all kinds of sick people come to AA and some don't have enough scruples to keep their sexual interests to themselves ... I'm just glad you saw/see it for what it is and have chosen to ride the 'high' road instead of stoop'n down to the low road as it were ... It's hard enough to wrap our minds around sobriety without the added emotional stress of a new or different 'relationship' ... ... ... I've seen 13th steppers many times AND 99% of the time, they end in disasters and sometimes death when one of them goes off the deep end ...
But I must also say that I've seen few, very few, that meet in AA and take their time(usually a year or more) get'n to know each other and then the magic happens and they form a good, lasting relationship ... It's possible, but it's also risky ... we're deal'n with alcohol here and that means 'high risk factor' ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
It's uncomfortable sharing meetings with people that make you uncomfortable. I suppose it's the hazard that occurs when we stay sober long enough.
When I was newish in AA, I had a sponsor that had a girlfriend in the same meetings as us. Her and I were friends, and when she dumped him, he decided to take it out on me. He fired me and generally made it awkward to be in the same meeting as him.
It was tough to forgive him for that and I was resentful about that for some time.
That early lesson has paid off over the years. Forgiving people when they are wrong has come up more often than you believe, and that early one was the hardest. Since then it has gotten easier.
-- Edited by jhamlett on Friday 21st of October 2016 09:26:47 PM
__________________
"God can move mountains but it helps to bring a shovel!"
Ranger I get where your heart is I have been there, but allow me to simplify it? A female hit on you, big deal get over it. AA will survive. Sounds rough I know. See it for what it is without your opinion.
Visionz:
She didn't really hit on me, per se. I have been hit on before needless to say, but it was with women who were talking to me, not ignoring me for three years and then one day comes into a meeting dressed like she was some bar-girl and swinging her legs to attract attention that she never got from me, since we had never spoken.
I speak to women all the time at meetings, so its not my fault if she has a screw loose upstairs. To be honest, I think she suddenly became "attracted" to me shortly after I purchased a muscle car, now that I think about it. Yeah, its awkward being in meetings with her around. Just bothers me that she can speak with most any man there but me. I know more about her now, so I am aware that I truly dodged a bullet, and am just glad that she can hang her boots on someone else's bedpost, and not mine.
-- Edited by ranger550 on Saturday 22nd of October 2016 04:09:03 AM
You're absolutely correct that 13th step'n isn't just a guy problem, women can also cross those boundaries ... I wish this wasn't something we have to endure, but all kinds of sick people come to AA and some don't have enough scruples to keep their sexual interests to themselves ... I'm just glad you saw/see it for what it is and have chosen to ride the 'high' road instead of stoop'n down to the low road as it were ... It's hard enough to wrap our minds around sobriety without the added emotional stress of a new or different 'relationship' ... ... ... I've seen 13th steppers many times AND 99% of the time, they end in disasters and sometimes death when one of them goes off the deep end ...
But I must also say that I've seen few, very few, that meet in AA and take their time(usually a year or more) get'n to know each other and then the magic happens and they form a good, lasting relationship ... It's possible, but it's also risky ... we're deal'n with alcohol here and that means 'high risk factor' ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
Thanks for your welcome, Pappy!
I tend to agree that dating people at the same meetings that you go to is a lot like dating someone from work. Its usually not a good idea, when things go south.
Yeah I have seen it all with people who 13th step and its mostly bad news. But as you said, sometimes it works out, but not very often. I am actually glad that I was able to see the crazy side of this woman, that she likely hides from her potential mates. She is an odd one, she is, but everything is working out, as planned by God.
There are a lot of good women in AA. One of the greatest privilages I have experienced in AA is to have earned their trust and respect. Like you, I don't hit on AA women, I steer well clear of that sort of thing, and I don't seem to have many problems as a result. There was this one occasion about 3 years ago where a woman AA friend came up and said there was some rumour that I had hit on a lady called Pat. She said she knew it wasn't true, that I didn't do that sort of thing, and then we spent some time trying to figure out who Pat was. We drew a blank. About six months later I discovered that a male member of my group, Pat, had a drug addict friend who had relapsed and claimed I had hit on her. I vaguely remember her, a very sick woman, not attractive in any way, came to our meeting a couple of times.
So it was the old chinese whispers thing, facts and names getting mixed up in the gossip machine. But the good women didn't buy it. It is sensible, however, not to put yourself at risk. So I am careful.
Put your sobriety first, always. Don't allow an uncomfortable situation derail you from going to meetings. I'm truly lucky that I've only had one situation where a male member came onto me but I just kept going. He no longer attends the meetings and I'm so grateful that I kept on and kept going, knowing that the situation would take care of itself. I don't know what I'd do without my Home Group. It has been a lifesaver and is full of the most amazing people I've ever met. Just don't let her, or anyone else, keep you from your sobriety. She can't take that away from you! God Bless!
A man hires a Chinese Private Investigator called Chen Lee, to watch his wife.
A few days later the man gets this report:
Sir, I watch house.
You leave house.
He come to house.
He & she leave house.
I follow.
He and she go to hotel.
I climb tree and look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip.
She strip.
He play with she
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out tree.
I not see.
No fee.
Chen Lee.
