After 9 years of continuous sobriety I relapsed and have spent the last 4 years trying to piece together any length of sobriety. I have been to treatment, and stayed sober for 6 months after that. I have a tough, but loving sponsor who has stuck with me for the last 2 years. Recently, I have not been able to get even 1 week in! I have continued to go to meetings, and trying to do 90/90. I just drank again last night, and here I sit again, full of remorse and shame. I do not want to tell anyone about this because I fear they will give up on me or think I am weak - which is true - maybe it is my pride, Ya no doubt about it it is my pride. Anyone else done the same thing, and how did you stop the revolving door syndrome. I am desperate today!
After my 1st Rehab, I went 12 more years trying to get long time sobriety ... much like what you've shared ... after a particularly bad binge, I knew I had reached my 'bottom' ... I knew if I drank like that one more time, I'd not recover, I knew I'd die a poor broken down drunk, which absolutely no one would ever remember ... I had just enough coherence to think of how intelligent I really was and how I was no doubt wasting my life ... I was on the brink of divorce from someone I'd been married to for nearly 40 years ... I then decided I would go to any length to get and stay sober ... This time, while diligently work'n the steps, I had several 'spiritual awakenings' ... the light come 'on' where everything before had been so dark ... ... ...
I've learned that sobriety is soooo much better than get'n that next 'high' ... life has meaning now where before, I had lost all interest in life ... AA has taught me how to handle disappointments and life's anxiety moments without the need to get drunk to ease the pains ... ...
Stick around, I expexct you'll get some more input from others on this board ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I follow a couple of websites and yours is a common story. They all talk about renewing their committment to AA, going to meetings, doing 90 in 90, and failing. Some ask God for help, some don't.The things they never mention are taking the steps and sponsoring others. Could there be a lesson there?
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Thursday 29th of September 2016 09:39:14 AM
It is sooo easy to give advice.. and soo.. difficult to take it.. My suggestion would be that it appears time to drop back and do the first step all over again.. and if you have not done it.. well do it.. very throughly with your sponsor.. and if your sponsor wants to wait 90 days.. then get another sponsor.. the sooner you DO the steps.. the better.. reading them and studying them will not work.. you have to DO them.. It looks as though you are bumping up against the hopeless feature of alcoholism.. so it is time to let that sink in real good.. that its either do the steps or face an ugly alcoholic death...
After 9 years of continuous sobriety I relapsed and have spent the last 4 years trying to piece together any length of sobriety. I have been to treatment, and stayed sober for 6 months after that. I have a tough, but loving sponsor who has stuck with me for the last 2 years. Recently, I have not been able to get even 1 week in! I have continued to go to meetings, and trying to do 90/90. I just drank again last night, and here I sit again, full of remorse and shame. I do not want to tell anyone about this because I fear they will give up on me or think I am weak - which is true - maybe it is my pride, Ya no doubt about it it is my pride. Anyone else done the same thing, and how did you stop the revolving door syndrome. I am desperate today!
PG, you are having a tough time of it. For some reason, some paths are tough. That's the way it turns out. But there is hope. In recovery-- there is always hope--because so many grim stories end up with positive outcomes. I encourage you to keep trying. God is not asking you to be successful. He is asking you to try to be.
And don't worry about 90 meetings in 90 days. That doesn't work. You can better look at it by trying out AA for 90 days. Work a program, whatever is best, read literature, communicate with your sponsor and with other AA members, participate in meetings, etc. Commit to engaging in the AA program for a minimum of 90 consecutive days. At that point you will be in much better shape on the road to recovery.
PG. I was desperate when I came to AA. I was therefore willing to try ideas that came from others. For me, desperation was a gift.
I am not sure if my sponsor is still going to be my sponsor after this last spree, as she has been away and I just sent her an email telling her about it. However, I am going to a meeting tonight and I am not giving up no matter what. Today is my day 1, and I thank you all for the advice, and sharing your thoughts with me. I think the best advice I have heard is working AA 90/90 as opposed to going to meetings 90/90; I'm going to do both and will keep you all informed on my journey. Enough is enough! I can do this. I'm getting my head in the Book and starting at Step 1!
Good Jan, ... Sounds like you've re-committed yourself to get well ... ... ... that's a start ...
Don't allow the reactions of your sponsor affect your decision to go to meet'ns ... As good as having a sponsor is, I believe it much more important to immerse yourself into your 'home group's' activities ... i.e. go to the 'Book' studies, 'Beginner's meetings', 'Step meet'ns', etc. ... ... ... over a short period of time, you'll get to know exactly who's sobriety you most admire, then get up close 'n personal with this person ... learn from them what they did to have a happy, enjoyable sobriety ... then copy their actions ...
You never need to go back to the 'bottle' unless you so choose to do so ... Are you ready to 'go to any length' to get and stay sober??? ... then it's time to 'Listen and Learn' ... then take action to make it so ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
