OK, not sure why I'm posting this, maybe trying to just get a read on the situation.I'm seven years sober, married 25 years to a normie, no kids.For the last 4 years my bed-bound mother in law (age 90) has been living with us receiving 24 hour care.The woman has three other adult, employed children who refuse to help in any way. My wife never gets more than acouple hours of sleep at a time because her mom requires constant toileting and meds and breathing treatments and physical therapy.
The only in-home health we can afford (without dipping into our own retirement savings) is a couple hours a night, and THAT is so unreliable and high-turnover that we have to interview new girls every couple of weeks.I cannot say that I've been unfailingly polite to my mother-in-law the entire time.
Recently I became fed up with the situation and demanded that the other siblings contribute at least 50 bucks a month or something to hire more help.The eldest brother responded to this by calling the local police and demanding they come do a wellness check.I politely declined to let the officer in and said I believed her department was being used to harass us.That precipitated a call from Social Services, and I flipped out at that point and screamed at the social worker and vented my frustration over the situation.They promptly showed up and took my mother-in-law to a nursing home by force.Of course my wife is now terrified that her mom will be denied critical medical care by the government and that she's essentially condemned to a horrible death.
Ultimately this is my fault because I gave in to resentment of my brothers-in-law for not helping.But I am at a loss as to how I could have summoned enough character to continue the way things were.Any suggestions?
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
I know of quite a few people who are going through similar situations. And my sister doesn't go to see my mom at all--not on her birthdays, Mother's Days, XMas, etc. I am sure when my mom is gone, my sister will show up with eyes and hands open wide expecting her "share" of my mom's things. My brother hardly goes to see my mom and about broke her heart when he was too busy on XMas day which is also her birthday more than once. I am all she has. Her health so far is not too bad. I know that when the time comes and she needs someone I will be the only one of her children who will be there for her.
Will I "demand" anything at all from my siblings???? Absolutely not. I cannot demand anyone do anything. It is up to an individual to do what they are only willing to do. It would be nice for children to love and appreciate their mom's and dad's. I sure do my mom. Sure we have had rough patches along the way. That is only natural. We never cut one another out of our lives. I love my mom so very much and have in the past held deep resentments towards both my siblings for not visiting and being there for her over the past years.
Here is the thing........I do what I know in my heart is not only what I want to do....I do what I feel is the right thing to do. What is "right" for me is obviously not right for my siblings. I cannot live their lives for them. I can however, go to bed, close my eyes and get a good night's sleep. And if and when times get more difficult and I may need to be there for my mom as you and your wife are doing for your mother-in-law...I will pray to God to give me strength, endurance and a happy heart knowing that I am doing my utmost best to take care of my mom as she did for me in my younger years.
Resentments do no good whatsoever. They rob us of our time and energy and can lead us to drink again. Whenever I feel anger welling up in me for even the tiniest little reason, I try and pray right away for guidance before I let it fester, grow larger and larger and end up falling into the biggest pit of despair of all--alcohol.
All that said, I sure don't know what to suggest in your situation. It sounds like a hot mess and must be very heartbreaking for your wife, you and especially your mother-in-law. Possibly by declining the police officer's request to come inside your home to see how your mother-in-law was doing it raised her suspicions. I cannot imagine not complying with a policeman. Maybe that is because I have been arrested in the past and I have developed the utmost respect for police officers risking their lives for people like me who at one time, I didn't give a rat's ass about others (DUI arrest). And screaming at the social worker may have only served to make them judge you as being a tempermental hothead instead of a loving caregiver that it sounds like you are. Your situation sounds like one which requires someone who has far more experience in dealing with this kind of thing--possibly an attorney.
"But I am at a loss as to how I could have summoned enough character to continue the way things were.Any suggestions?"
If you're asking what you should have done, I couldn't say.
One thing the program is good with, is the way forward.
If your situation was caused by a resentment, the big book has some helpful guidance.
1.) Write out your resentment in the format given in the book.
2.) Share it with your sponsor.
3.) Do steps 6 and 7 on any defects found in your character.
4.) Determine if, and how, you can make the situation right.
Maybe you owe amends, maybe you don't. That's between you and your Higher Power. But being free of resentment and not being burdened by my conscience is priceless.
-- Edited by jhamlett on Sunday 14th of August 2016 03:38:44 PM
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"God can move mountains but it helps to bring a shovel!"
ZZ, my take is that things were building up and they got past your limit. You and wife have been doing tremendous work for 4 years or more. You're reflecting honestly on your actions and that is important.
I suggest that you continue to be sober and explain yourself honestly to anyone who asks, same as you've done here. Best of luck to you and thank you for sharing your story. It helps me because I could be in a similar situIation. I'm not sure I could do a job as well as you have done.
They promptly showed up and took my mother-in-law to a nursing home by force.Of course my wife is now terrified that her mom will be denied critical medical care by the government and that she's essentially condemned to a horrible death.
Ultimately this is my fault because I gave in to resentment of my brothers-in-law for not helping.But I am at a loss as to how I could have summoned enough character to continue the way things were.Any suggestions?
Hey man, ... maybe it's just me, but it seems to me that your situation has made a turn for the best ... I mean, ultimately, it was your brother's reaction that triggered the Social Services thingy and he's now responsible for the current results of that call ... besides, this seems to me to be a 'blessing in disguise' ... I mean, not everything you hear about those 'Nursing Homes' is true ... they will most certainly make sure she gets her meds and make sure shes fed ... it may not be a 'pleasant' environment, but it gives you and your wife a chance at some peace and comfort, if only for a a while ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Sometimes we don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm with Pappy as far as the blessings in disguise. I pray that your MIL is in a good nursing home, I visit my Mother figure every week at a nursing home that is fantastic, they care for her and the other residents with the utmost respect. I would love to be able to bring her into my home and care for her...but I do not have the time or the money and unlike the facility she is in I could not take care of her medical needs. When she entered this facility they made sure all of the financial needs were met through her social security , retirement and Medicare, she had no means to pay or any family to speak of. She is an old-timer in the program and is a true example of the Serenity prayer in action.
So using the tools that we have been gifted in the program are very helpful and lifesaving. I do hope that your family can find some solid ground and that you are feeling better about the situation at hand.
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We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed
