Hello All I am the normie wife of a 6 month sober Alcoholic. My husband tells me he is a "high bottom" drunk, there has never any run ins with the law, infidelity or monetary problems. I worked days he worked nights and I had no idea how bad things had gotten. My husband goes to 3-4 meetings a week and at least once a week he will invite me along. They are open meetings and I have no issue attending. Frankly I identify more with AA than with Al Anon. More than one share that I have heard in AA sounds like someone reading my life story, but by the grace of God I do not have the allergy. Al Anon is a long story but I do not really feel like I fit there and I think a lot of it is the lack of trauma that drinking has caused in our lives, at least so far. I have and am trying out different meetings and we will see if one fits.
Recently there have been some passive aggressive and rude comments made by some at his fellowship about outsiders. It is not the same person/people all the time. Since I am the only "outsider" who goes on the regular (never met another one and apparently never has my husband) I cannot help but feel like their anger/resentment is directed at me. I know that the process of getting sober causes every emotion imaginable but I hate the idea that I am distracting someone from the real reason they are in a meeting. I am very respectful, I do not comment or play on my cell phone. I sit, listen and laugh along with everyone else. I know that I will never truly understand the obsession and the struggle to break free from alcohol but going to meetings has helped me gain so much empathy for what my husband is dealing with and helped me in the early days when his emotions were all over the map. He has a great sponsor, who has a sponsor and I am not involved in his step work. We have clear boundaries about his recovery, when he wants my input or feels like sharing he does but I do not pry. Its between him, God and his sponsor. So far this is working well for us, shouldn't that be what matter?
I am by no means perfect, I am just a wife who is trying to navigate this rough road the best she can. Old timers always seem so surprised that this is our first marriage and that I am still by his side and supportive, they make it seem like its almost unheard of. Are situations like this truly that rare? Does/ Has having visitors at meetings distracted or upset you? I want to do the best that I can for my husband, his recovery and the recovery of our marriage but comments about Al Anon and staying where you belong in your own meetings are starting to really get to me. I have never responded or acknowledged the comments and as far as I know my husband hasn't either. His opinion is that he is there for his sobriety and his marriage both of which I am a part of and he wants me there. If he did not want me there he wouldn't ask me to go, and there are plenty of times where I am busy doing something else and he goes alone. I know that I am not responsible for anyone's recovery, emotional state, etc. and that ultimately their reaction is theirs alone, my husbands included (most importantly?). I am just looking for a little outside perspective/experiences/opinions to consider while praying on the situation.
Welcome to this discussion forum, NW. Glad to have you here.
You have explained your situation and quandary very well. I think it's important to know that AA is for alcoholics. In AA's history there are some examples of nonalcoholics wanting to be part of the membership, for various reasons. But it simply is not possible for a nonalcoholic to be a member of AA.
That's not to say that you cannot go to some open meetings. Most groups allow for that. Usually it's OK.
Other times, it is not so OK as some alcoholics don't like it.
I am an alcoholic and did not think about a visitor in the meeting as being noteworthy for a long time. But in recent years, after becoming more conversant with the history and Traditions of AA, I've come to believe it is not without impact on the attendees of meetings.
Having a nonalcoholic visitor in a meeting I attend is kind of OK with me. I won't say anything about it. I won't leave or anything like that. But I will always take note. And I will almost never share when there's a visitor in the room.
It doesn't bother me too much.
Good luck with your new life of recovery with hubbie, NW. Thanks for raising the issue.
I do agree that history and traditions of AA are very important and I would never attempt to become some sort of interloper member. (Granted if that is how I am viewed by others than there is nothing I can do to change that) I have been very aware of the possible ruffled feathers that my presence could cause and I try and be very respectful of that fact. I would never betray the traditions of keeping things anonymous and I do attempt to just be another face in the room.
I do find it odd that Al Anon sometimes encourages going to open AA meetings to see what it is about and gain empathy while AA seems to not have those same feelings.
I am very respectful of the recovery process and I have been, aside from my new personal involvement, involved with recovery in various roles for the last 10 years professionally. I have the utmost respect for people in recovery and find the determination and resilience inspiring. This is definitely an interesting situation that I have found myself in and I appreciate you sharing your views.
I go to open AA meetings all the time and it never occurred to me to treat any non-alcoholic friend, family member, drug addict, nurse or other visitor or observer in any way other than a welcoming manner. If other alcoholics have a problem with this, there are closed AA meetings which they should attend. It is a shame that shares in the meeting you attend with your husband are used as a way to make visitors feel like they are doing something wrong by being there when they are being supportive or want to know more about AA. If that particular meeting has a problem with this, they should have a group conscious meeting and discuss the possibility of changing their meeting to a closed one. Until this is done, you should be as welcome there as anyone else and if one or more have a problem with it, then it is their problem, not yours. Personally, if it were me, I would look for a different meeting to attend. It is no fun sitting in a meeting when you feel like someone is sharing something about you. Imagine a fly buzzing around your face ---very distracting as well as annoying--and it is hard to focus on anything else while it is going on.
In my city, there are 4-6 closed meetings per week and probably 50 open meetings. I've only seen one occasion, at a closed meeting, where a non-alcoholic was asked to leave. Open meetings are open. We do have some that attend open meetings who have problems with addicts attending, but that is kept pretty well confined to a couple of old grumps. I never thought about asking anyone to leave a meeting or think down upon them for attending. Your attitude, normiewife, is refreshing. Support at home is critical and if you have a better understanding about what your husband is going through, then you can help him to the extent possible. My wife is very supportive, although she doesn't go to meetings. And she also is my first wife, going on 28 years and will be my last wife as well. I can't recover in isolation from my family. Kudos to you!
Welcome to MIP NW, ... I find it refreshing to see a spouse become a part of their significant other's recovery ...
it tells me this person is 'loved' through 'better or worse' ... and alcoholism is definitely a turn for the worse ... and often becomes intolerable for the non-alcoholic spouse ... Call me 'lucky',if you like, but my wife of 46 years has remained by my side through some pretty horrible times ... I made her life a 'living Hell' ... and just as I definitely hit bottom, the LAST straw, so to speak, I chose recovery through AA ... she went with me to a few 'open' meet'ns but we both decided she didn't NEED the lessons of AA as much as I did ... (each AA Group is different, so some groups stories in the meetin's were hard to listen to ... )(especially when the subject of 'abuse' became a 'tag-a-long' subject ... (and I might add that she found Al-Anon an even 'harder' pill to swallow) ...
AA meet'ns are 'classified' for a reason ... and an 'open' meet'n should be 'open' to anyone ... and if you know you're an alcoholic, then you should not share anything there that you wouldn't want spread around ... this is especially true of other members privacy ...
I would think after 6 months as a sober member of the group,(your husband) and the fact you nor your husband have not withheld anything from the group and have been honest and forthright, the group should be comfortable with the situation ... after all, it's an 'open' meet'n ... and it's there for that reason ...
Love you and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi,
My name is Wayne T . I am an alcoholic.
My wife has been coming with me to Open AA meetings for 3 decades.
It is a gift to me that she desires to come with. A gift.
She also says she gets very much from listening to those alky,s who choose to share.
I have noticed in myself when I would complain about some one or some thing usually there is something going on with me I do not want to look at.
Some aly's at meetings , may fit that bill.
I hope you find the courage to continue on. Not to let a couple whiners deter you.
Wayne T
Overall my experience with AA has been a positive one and it has been a blessing for my marriage.
The people who seem to take issue with my presence seem to share a history of destroyed relationships/marriages, but to a degree that is beyond anything imaginable. I am sure that seeing a spouse be supportive while attempting to come to terms with your own reality has to be painful. I have been trying to stay mindful of the fact that they are most likely projecting their own pain/frustration/anger/resentment but I just needed some non-biased feedback. I wanted to make sure that they weren't seeing something that my husband and I couldn't. That codependency/enmeshment can be a sneaky little bugger. No 'man' is an island and sometimes its just nice to find someone to validate your feelings and, if need be, call you on your BS.
It is so nice to hear about other spouses, I knew there had to be more somewhere. I don't really NEED the lessons of AA but I do welcome them and I think that there are lots of lessons in the rooms that can be applied to any 'healthy' life. If more people took the time to live some of the principles I think the world might be a slightly nicer place.
(Pappy so far I agree with your wife but thank god it is there for those who need it. Today I don't feel like I do but there is always tomorrow.) My life was more challenging when my husband was drinking but not unmanageable. At the end of his drinking he was working nights and I was working days. I hated never seeing my husband but looking back I think it was my HP at work. Had we seen more of each other I do not think I would be in this same boat.
Hey NW, ... you not only come across as a very intelligent woman, but one that carries a very rational outlook on your 'life situation' ... I feel that our AA principles and 'way of life' have become a big part of your life and that you've come to see just how our 'AA Way of Life' could certainly be a model of life for others in the World ... I've often felt the very same way ...
Love you, God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Normie, so nice of you to support your husband in this way. My husband never went to an AA meeting with me, it was never discussed, but it's my thing not his, I didn't want him there. There are a few members who's non-alcoholic spouses would occasionally come to open meetings with them, and I enjoyed meeting them after the meeting. I had absolutely no problem with this. The thing about AA is there is ALWAYS someone who is bitching about something, the drama never stops. It's worse then a soap opera. I would carry on as your have been, and ignore these people who don't understand the concept of an open meeting. The social dynamics involved in AA are exhausting to me, I went there to get and stay sober, not see an episode of Days of My Life.
My home group has 30 meetings per week and only three are open. One of those is Sat night where there are often sober birthday speakers. I have found open meetings less fulfilling in that many of my " regulars" do not attend and sharing often seems aimed at the non alcoholic guests. My wife has asked if she should attend and I tell her if she wants I have no problem with her going to an open meeting. I am more open and honest in my closed meetings than I am with those closest to me. I know that is messed up but I have heard that is common with a lot of AA meetings. I am glad to see supportive partners on the board. I have been blessed to have someone stick by me through my alcoholism. My background seems basically like your husbands in that I have maintained employment, never been unfaithful, and avoided run in with the law. I also worked nights and had long stretches of work off and was spending alot of time drinking alone in the afternoon. My bottom was just being sick of the guilt and self loathing that booze was causing and the embarrassment of my blackout behaviors.
My home group has 30 meetings per week and only three are open. One of those is Sat night where there are often sober birthday speakers. I have found open meetings less fulfilling in that many of my " regulars" do not attend and sharing often seems aimed at the non alcoholic guests.
This about says it for me. It's just the way it works out sometimes. There is an effect.
) My life was more challenging when my husband was drinking but not unmanageable. At the end of his drinking he was working nights and I was working days. I hated never seeing my husband but looking back I think it was my HP at work. Had we seen more of each other I do not think I would be in this same boat.