My sponsor told me that is is very important that we talk--not text--on the phone everyday. Sometimes when I leave a message my calls are not returned. This happened when we first started working together and I was staying sober. Now it is happening again.
I know my sponsor has a life and is busy with other things. I am just a little confused about the "important that we talk everyday" and have to admit that I felt a little rejected yesterday and in the past when it happened a couple of times. I sure do not want to get too dependent so maybe it is a good thing. Any input would be appreciated.
Sponsorship can be a difficult and/or tricky position to hold ... It is a commitment to another person that can be 'life saving' or 'life threatening' ... much as an adult 'baby-sitting' a new born ... The sponsee is dependent on the sponsor as the baby is the baby-sitter ... so, initially, yeah, a sponsor/sponsee relationship should be setup on a daily basis to start with ...
My 'rule of thumb' was to have daily contact with my sponsees for that first 90 days, to go along with the '90 meetings in 90 days' thingy ... THAT gave me the chance to monitor the decisions the sponsee was making and the depth or level of understanding they had with the basics of the AA program ...
You mentioned a Sponsor having a 'life', yeah well, I only commited be'n a sponsor if I knew I was in a position to dedicate the time I knew it would take to see it through ... in other words, I made sure I had enough time for the next 90 days to go out of my way if necessary, to guide this new person no matter what was in my schedule ... (meaning to always return calls and to call them if necessary ... 'text-ting' would be a last resort) ... and go'n to the same meet'ns the sponsee was go'n to (mostly at my suggestion) ...
Circumstances are always different, some people require more attention than others ... some are 'brand new' to AA, some have been around a while and should not need daily close contact for a long period of time ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks so much, Roger....
I think I am like a baby again. WAAAAAAAAA!!! (that's me crying :)
Although I feel so much better my confidence in myself is pretty shaky and I noticed I am a bit paranoid and anxious still--similar to when I was very new to AA. Trust is not going to be easy for me. I went to a meeting yesterday with more women than men and one of them kept staring at me. I usually look away when this happens, but thought to myself, ok...you want to have a staring contest? We'll have a staring contest. So I stared back for a short while. I got bored and she won. After that, I looked around at all the women and thought (and be forewarned....I know this is really horrible to admit.....but I am still sick, I know....) I don't care for any of them! Then I saw one I know and who has always been really sweet and kind around me, so I didn't lump her in with all of the others. I don't trust men all that much, and I really don't trust women! I think it is because of what all has happened. I am in protective mode now. There are a few women I really care about in the program. I have gotten along better with the men, it seems and I am more comfortable around them in the meetings.
I was starting to trust my sponsor, and now I am second guessing it because of the calls. Still no return call and I am getting a bit resentful. I am concerned that if it happens much more I will not feel "safe" enough to share certain details of my life (fears, resentments, etc.) and I am not sure how that will affect my Step work and my progress. I guess it is up to me. I don't want to be too picky. I'm a tough egg to crack I know. (Or maybe in light of my shaky sobriety time, maybe I have that backwards??? Oh yes. I do. I am like Humpty Dumpty, only I fell off the wagon instead of a wall, and trying to pick up the pieces.)
oh, and will point out that the "staring" and looking around happened before the meeting started. I am really trying to focus and listen to the shares. (well, that is unless some of them are so bizarre and make me feel worse--then I pray that someone else will soon be sharing :)
Have you considered talking to your sponsor about this and the two of you can just figure out a good time to call when you are both available to talk?
And even if your calls go to voicemail, the point is that YOU CALLED. You have given yourself evidence that you are willing to take action TODAY to stay sober. You should feel good about that.
If you really need to talk to someone, and your call to your sponsor is going to voice mail, maybe call someone else to talk, like the woman in the meeting that you mentioned?
I like the voicemail thing......my last sponsor told me to call everyday and I did and she only answered the phone one time for the few months I worked with her. I really didn't mind that because I am not good talking on the phone unless it is with my mom or someone I know well. And that woman I mentioned has been telling me to call her....I will do that, Dave....need to face my fears. Thank you!
A good sponsor will be there and available daily in the early part of sobriety just to help us sort through our screwed up thinking. It is so easy to get into a bind in the first few weeks because, while we may have stopped drinking, we have not had that transformational change.
Later, however, our sponsors job is to help us develop our own relationship with the God of our understanding. Ultimately, that is where our dependence belongs, and that is where we should first be turning when wrestling with problems and decisions in life. It is God, not our sponsor, who will provide the solutions to our problems. Remember, people have feet of clay and cannot provide the 24/7 defense aginst the first drink.
I'm glad that my sponsor never told me that I need to call him everyday. I was probably around 45 days sober when we started out together and we pretty quickly discussed that working our way through the steps was the important part. We talk occasionally and text occasionally and see each other at meetings pretty regularly. We do get together as schedules allow to read the BB and talk about the step I am on and what I am doing to be of better service to God and through that to my family and other alcoholics.
We discussed very early in our work together about how often we would talk. He came into the step work with a sponsor that told him to call when he needed, not every day, unless that what was needed. That fits his personality and fits with mine as well. I suspect that if I needed a daily call, he would be okay with that. He spends plenty of time face to face with me and can quickly call me out when I am being less than forthcoming with whatever I am working on at the time. He gave me the time to work on my 4th step inventory and then quickly found a way to make the time to listen to my 5th step and showed me about the 6th and 7th steps.
One of the main things I respect about my sponsor is that he is straightforward about following the guidance of his HP and he is always very encouraging that I look for the answers with my HP. He's always there when I am in a moment of crisis, i.e. when my son was arrested for drunk driving or when my brother in law unexpectedly passed away this week. He spends more time with times like that just listening and supporting rather than advising.
I don't know if this ramble added anything to this discussion.
A great guide for Sponsorship can be found in AAWS's pamphlet title 'Questions and Answers on Sponsorship'. You can read it online here:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
I thought this might be a good time to point out 'other' possibilities when trying to contact a sponsor or not getting them to return your call ...
In my 'home group' in Georgia there was this guy in our group that came to several successive meet'ns and was complain'n about how his sponsor wouldn't return his calls and how rude and irresponsible that was, and this guy was really give'n the other guy(sponsor) hell for it in his shares ...
Come to find out, this sponsor had a brother out-of-state that was killed in an accident and had to fly out on a moments notice to help his sister-in-law out with the 'arrangements' ... this guy devoted all his attention to the crisis ... one way he did so was to turn off his cell phone ...
So ... not all things are as they sometimes seem ... sometimes life itself interfers with the way we think things should be ...
Just say'n ... ... ... (don't be too quick to judge ...) ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
That's a great point, Pappy. I was thinking about the possibility of an emergency situation the first time or two it happened and hoping nothing serious was going on. I am fine about it now. I have the attitude like Dave suggested and that is as long as I call everyday I am taking the action I need to and trying not to be judgemental. That street cleaning thingie. My side is still full of stuff I need to work on. Hey, during a meeting today I found myself getting agitated. Okay....I am going to tell on myself (remember you guys, try not to be too judgemental on me about this, however, let me have it if you think it will help....) anyway, we had about five minutes left of the meeting and the Chair started to talk to "take the meeting back"....(I always find that part amusing---where'd the meeting go???? Ha!) Another member started to share at the same time and the Chair let her go ahead. Well, it was a fairly lengthy share. I know it is not the greatest thinking for me to have, but I wanted to get out of there at the "right" time. I even thought to myself, "Why can't that woman look at the clock before she shares?" Anyway, I could feel myself getting a bit worked up and I thought what is going on with me? I need to figure this out. So it popped in my head to write down things about me that I need to work on. I pulled out a small notebook from my pocketbook and wrote down "Impatience" and "Intolerance". I felt better right away knowing that I don't have to feel these negative things every time something goes my way unless I choose to. So every time I get bent out of shape and feel anything but serene I am going to try and remember to write down what CD's I need to work on. Maybe in time my street side will get cleaner. :)
And Troy, I did get something out of your posting and thank you.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Thursday 2nd of June 2016 06:22:26 PM
I never thought much about meetings ending on time until someone pointed out that starting and finishing on time is important for some people. They may have appointments, a bus to catch, a taxi booked, who knows. But he suggested that it can be a big turn off when a meeting doesn't run to time.
Roger, that was a great example of feet of clay. Sooner or later people will let us down and it may have nothing to do with us. They are just not available when we need them, and it is unreasonable to expect them to be.
It happened a second time this week and instead of getting all bullheaded about it I am trying to tell myself, I took action. It is my sobriety and I have to take responsibility for it. When it happened in the past I used it as an excuse to drink again. How stupid that was of me! It was like I was looking for anything to give me a reason to drink.
Like I said I really don't want to talk on the phone everyday.I will continue to do as my sponsor told me to do and call everyday.
This has nothing to do with calling.....just wanting to share this.....
I am doing as Pappy suggested and I am meditating in a park-like environment. It is within walking distance and there is running man-made "waterfalls" on the grounds. I sit nearby, close my eyes and try to clear my mind. I had a little bit of trouble doing this. I found myself getting embarrassed about people walking by me and if I looked stupid sitting there with my eyes closed. (ego!) When I noticed thoughts coming in my mind, I had to tell myself "Listen to the water, listen to the birds..." Then I told myself to breath in slowly and let it out slowly. My breathing has always been very shallow and sometimes when I am paying attention it is like I am holding my breath sometimes when I am stressed. Yesterday I started this and could tell the biggest difference! It felt like all the muscles in my neck and upper back and shoulders were like jello! Afterwards I enjoyed looking at all of the different flowers and trying to figure out the names of them. I used to have a flower garden and learned many kinds--which I have since forgotten most of them. I am going to look up flowers and learn what some of them are which I will be seeing when I go there. I breathed in the scent of one of the magnolia flowers on the trees which were there. Now that is a heavenly scent! The walk back was awesome. Instead of feeling my achy muscles and beating myself up for getting out of shape, I felt like I was walking on air almost. There was this most wonderful peaceful feeling that I cannot remember feeling in....??????.... well, a very long time. Pappy, you were right! It is making a difference--I am very relaxed now instead of worried. My idea of meditating before was sitting on the back porch, closing my eyes, focusing on problems while puffing my cigs. Then I would try to figure out why it really wasn't making me feel as great as I was trying to fool myself into thinking it was. Kind of like reading the Big Book. My eyes would glaze over the words...I wasn't paying attention to what I was reading because my mind was not focused and distracted. But hey, I did my "reading". Ha!
Today is a beautiful day here. Another day sober and I am so grateful that I have not had any desire to drink.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Friday 3rd of June 2016 08:11:49 AM
Good to know you have a 'bit of nature' close to you LTR ... to give you the opportunity to close off the rest of the world for a while and let nature display her awesome beauty for you ...
I find that nature can send my mind off on a journey all it's own ... watching the birds do their thing, the squirrels chasing each other, the sound of falling water, the breeze swaying the flowers and spreading their glorious scent through the area, kids being curious and pick'n up stuff(bugs) their moms would cringe at, the old man over there feeding the birds and/or the squirrels, or the grandpa teach'n a 'little one' how to fish, etc., etc., etc. ... ... ...
THEN, I do not take myself and my problems so seriously ... with God's help and this program, I AM SOBER ... and THAT'S ALL that counts ... everything else is 'small potatoes' ... ... ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
My sponsor told me not to try and "clear my mind". I really have to. Otherwise, all these "problems" stay in it and I do not feel any relief--and in fact, have felt worse. Meditating is making a difference. I am not getting worked up as much over things which bothered me. Something happened the other day and a good while later I realized that I didn't get upset like I have been in the past over it. It can also be because I am reading the Big Book everyday, praying more and attending meetings everyday. My thinking has done a complete turn-around. I had said I was done with AA and never intended on going back because I let what happened with a very few influence my thinking about everyone and the whole program. The resentments were piled high on the plate in my mind! I was reading these postings everyday, researching alcoholism everyday (all while drinking some of those days) and thought I would get better. Although researching about this disease and coming here helped keep me connected, it was not enough to disconnect me from alcohol. I know now that it truly does take action and working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to stay sober. I know that there is no easy way.....no shortcuts and especially no doing things my own way. My mind is not nearly as jumbled up with worry and fear like it was. I am smiling more not because I feel I have to paste a grin on my face around others, it is because I feel happier and want to smile. I still have a lot of work to do there is no doubt about it. I know in my heart that as long as I keep attending meetings and working hard and doing what is suggested in the Big Book that I will be able to continue to stay sober. I look forward to continuing to work the Steps and hopefully getting rid of the rest of the garbage (resentments/fear/anger, etc.) which I have allowed to accumulate in my mind. The best thing is that I have had no desire to drink at all.
Update... Well....I was hopeful that I would have worked my 4th and 5th Steps by now. My sponsor cancelled a appointment and the last appointment read only a part of Chapter 4 with me. When we first starting working together I was told that we would read all of the Big Book together with the exception of the personal stories in the BB. We haven't...Chapters have been skipped and that's okay, I guess, because I read these at home. I was surprised when we didn't read the whole chapter of How it Works together and started on page 64. We did finish the chapter from that point. Another surprise when I was told not to start on my Step 4 yet...that I needed to read that Chapter a couple of times during the week so I would have my own understanding of it. Again, ok...it's my sponsor so trying to listen and do as I am told. Well, I mentioned about being told that "it is important we talk everyday on the phone" and some days my calls are not returned. So in order to not get all worked up over it and not wanting to start over with yet another sponsor I just told myself that this is going to happen sometimes and that I just have to accept and deal with it. Three days ago, something happened and I thought about drinking again...talked to my sponsor about it--I didn't drink--all's well. I didn't come close to going out and getting something to drink--just the thought came in my head and that was scary, however got through it. I am attending meetings every day even when I feel crappy physically/mentally and don't want to--I get to a meeting. So that's good to hear newcomers and oldtimers sharing is helping me. So back to the phone calls. Friday, I called....no return call and yesterday I called and again no phone call. So last night and this morning I find myself again, getting this resentment towards my sponsor. Also, every single time we have meeting times set, they are either cancelled by my sponsor or the time is changed and I have to sit and wait. I have said "if you have to change the time can you let me know by such-and-such a time because I would like to go to one of my favorite meetings before we meet. So I get a text changing our time. I get there at the rescheduled time and then get another text telling me it will be another 15 minutes or so. Then I have to wait another several minutes while my sponsor gets coffee. So I have had to wait and this has happened more than once....I could have made my AA meeting and gotten there by the time of my re-rescheduled meeting with my sponsor. So by the time my sponsor shows up, I have a resentment about that and it ain't easy being cordial at that point and have to have restraint of tongue. I have a feeling that I would be automatically dropped if I express my emotions. I cannot start being late for appointment times anticipating in advance that my sponsor is going to show up late anyway and I am going to get pissed if I have to wait. So, I am going to change my attitude....get there at whatever time I am told and I have my BB and I will just read and/or pray while waiting instead of sitting and stewing over it.
After our last meeting, I expressed my appreciation and gratitude to my sponsor for spending time and helping me. I thought it would be good for me to try and look at it like this is not a paid position that this person is doing, and I should be more grateful this person is willing to spend any amount of time with me, rather than looking at the negative(s). I was told that our "working together" was not supposed to be or meant to be ongoing. That I wouldn't really "need a sponsor" after I did my Steps and that I could call once in a while if I had to, but as far as regularly meeting with one another--there would not be the case. I found myself thinking I was getting a "2-week notice" and that I was being informed that after I worked my 4th Step, and maybe 5th--that would be it. I felt a bit rejected, dejected...I don't know...I just felt like crap after that was said....and I don't really know why. I know I am ultra-sensitive now and my ego is trying to rule my thinking.
So...........I have been praying and meditating about this and I have decided not to call my sponsor today. I have decided that it isn't good for me to be harboring a resentment for something I cannot control. And instead of waiting for my sponsor to return my calls, and getting all mad about it when I don't receive a call back, I am going to tell myself that "ok...I made my call, left a message and that's that." If my sponsor didn't tell me it was "important that we talk everyday" I wouldn't be making an issue out of it....I feel like by saying that to me--not once, but twice--my mind thinks that my sponsor doesn't care if I stay sober or not and that has given me yet another reason to drink. I start second guessing everything....is my sponsor getting tired of hearing my "stuff" already? Does my sponsor not care for me after being around me and learning more about me? (And my mind is thinking no one would want to be my sponsor, that I am a pain in the ass, loser, etc.) I do know that I had a problem trusting others before this, and it is even harder now to trust this person and tell my "stuff" to in my Stepwork. I think if it even gets to that point and I am not dropped before then, I won't share anything else that I haven't already shared in it. I was told to do a separate "fears" list and that will be shortened and as for the separate "Sex List"--hahahaha......no can do on that one. I ain't sharing my sex history crap with this person no matter how boring it might be!
Sorry this is so long...just cannot talk to anyone in my meetings about this and typical of me to unload here, I know, and sorry if my long-winded posts and run-on sentences annoy anyone. (There is a back arrow in the upper left hand side of your screen for your convenience if that is case.) I just truly want to stay sober and this has me so down. I don't think it is a good thing to have resentments toward a sponsor this early on. I can say that I will not be searching for another Sponsor in my meetings. I said that after I had my last sponsor...and this person offered to sponsor me and I felt like maybe God was helping change my mind. I don't think that anymore. I'm done. I am more confused than ever and I am beginning to think that I am not "sponsorable". My first sponsor unloaded his service work on me (chairing meetings which he signed up for); habitually cancelled appointments with me every week for weeks; my second sponsor told me that whatever I shared with her she would keep "in strictest confidence" and then sent me an email telling me "I hope you don't mind but I talked with a good friend of mine, also in AA, about what you are going through...."and now this stuff with my current sponsor. I tell you--I am done after this!
I am making amends in advance to you guys........I know I have diarrhea mouth on this board. This is not how I have been with my sponsors. I have tried to not unload too much on any of my sponsors...I second-guess what I say and try not to sound all whiney and keep things I have told them fairly brief and to the point. (Believe it or not...LOL) In fact, none of my sponsors are "quiet" types. (I am much more "quiet" face-to-face with people and particularly since I went out and came back). I have had very assertive people and "talkers" with all of my sponsors and have listened to much more of their problems/experiences as they have mine. And that has been the case with every single one of them. I have told myself that it may be a meant to be for me to listen more and learn from them and that if it were reversed I would probably blab too much info, sound too whiney and they wouldn't want to work with me anyway.
Well.....all that said, I need to close here and go find some "Pepto-Dismal" to rinse my mouth out with and see if it will stop this running. Thanks for any who chose to read all this mess without hitting the back arrow before you finished it all. You deserve your "patience and tolerance" medal for the day! And any ESH anyone wishes to share would be appreciated if you care to try and help this mess of a mind of mine.
Maybe the sponsor(s) is the problem.
Certainly, a heartfelt and persistent case for such is made above.
Thank you Tanin....and thanks for not getting on me about deleting that. (That is the first one I have deleted in a good while, though :)
I deleted my post because (as has sometimes been the case before....) I got hurt feelings when no one had responded, got more down than before I posted it and embarrassed I posted it at all (fear of what people think of me). As I already admitted, I am a mess.
It helped to hear from someone who can be objective. I don't trust myself anymore to make rational decisions. My sponsor does not believe in God, although has said we each have to choose how we believe, has still said multiple times that I shouldn't look or pray for something "outside myself" to help keep me sober. When I said I prayed to God --I was told that is why I couldn't stay sober and that I need to depend on my own "inner spirit" to do that....and has even said I need to find the "inner spirit of (my name)". This contradicts Step 2 in my opinion, and I never felt comfortable doing this. I did try to pray that way, it just didn't seem "right". Sounds too much like I am my own "Higher Power" and depending on my "conscious" and my conscious has not been very good at keeping me sober.
Good thing is that I will have 30 days of sobriety if I make it to tomorrow. That is truly a Blessing to me. This board has helped me because I have felt like I could express how I really feel without feeling embarrassment and shame. I got called on by name to share in a meeting three weeks ago, and really was very awkward --not ready--to do so. I did it anyway, however, didn't like to be be on the spot like that. This caused me to not be able to focus on some other shares after that, for fear of what others thought of what I said. It is hard enough to keep relapsing and go back in the rooms at all. I just want to go and listen in the meetings.
Thank you for caring. Your posting has made me feel so much better.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Monday 20th of June 2016 08:42:21 AM
I dunno. It seems to me that your head is telling you a whole lot of things that may or may not be true and you are listening to all of it and developing resentments instead of communicating openly and resolving things. Again - why not actually talk with your sponsor about all of this and get to the bottom of it? I'm not talking about a big dramatic confrontation, just a simple grown up conversation. You may find out that your sponsor's goal was not so much to talk with you every day, but to get you in the habit of picking up the phone every day. And unless I'm mistaken, you never did actually talk with your sponsor about establishing when would be a good time to call, so you have no idea if you are calling at a time when your sponsor can talk with you.
If you decide you need a new sponsor, so be it. But why not talk about this situation with your sponsor first so you can make an informed decision?
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Monday 20th of June 2016 02:35:11 PM
Thanks guys. Dave, yeah...the head thing--I know that I can be like that. However, my sponsor told me twice it was important we talk on the phone everyday and told me not to text in place of a call. And I did ask if a specific time to call would be good and was told anytime I wanted to call was fine, to leave a message and would get a call back. There are a couple of other things which have happened which I chose not to post which helped me make the decision to move on. (My above post was far too long so you're welcome.)
I will say that I really try and listen and have tried to follow my sponsors' suggestions.....I think it is important --especially for newcomers and people like me who have relapsed--for sponsors to follow through on what they say that they will do. I know my mind is still a mess(prob. no need to say that) and I feel much like I did when I was a newcomer. We pick things to death as it is and until the alcohol is out of our systems (my doctor told me it takes 4 months to get completely out) and we can think more clearly and feel more human-like, it seems to me just more humane a thing to do. I know that previous sponsor cancelled two meetings with me "to walk her dogs"...I mean, Come On! Really? And this recent sponsor couldn't call me back one of the several times because of something just as ridiculous. And as far as talking to my sponsor....I tried and was willing and I wanted to talk to my sponsor for those two days after I thought about picking up again. I don't anymore. I'm done. God is my sponsor now.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Monday 20th of June 2016 06:38:19 PM
I am pretty confused about all that, Dave. I don't think I have ever really understood this part of it. Step One we have to admit we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageble--I know this about myself so that is not a problem with me.
Step 2 we have to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. This is what I believe and I clearly feel and know.
Step 3 we have to make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him. I have made that decision
Step 4 we have to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. This is where I am at. My ex-sponsor told me not to start on it yet and to re-read How it Works (twice) and see what it means to me. Since I am not working with that person now, I see no reason to put it off and am going to start working on it today.
Step 5 we have to be willing to admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I am willing to admit to God (although He knows my wrongs--I'll do the admitting part), to ourselves (I will do that part) and "another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". That last sentence is the one I have a problem with now. Why do I have to share intimate personal details of my life and wrongdoings with a "sponsor"?????? I know my thinking goes against what is in the Big Book. The past experiences with the sponsors I have had have made me very mistrustful of telling anyone I see in meetings anything personal at all about me. My first sponsor shared stuff about sponsees he had with me....he didn't give me names, however, had told me prior to that the names of them and they were people I knew from the meetings. The second sponsor --well, already posted that she shared my stuff with someone else in AA after she said it was safe to tell her confidential info about me. The last sponsor I had shared a couple of things about sponsees and gave names. Although I don't know these people. One sponsee has a very unique name. I didn't post this before because I was desperate to have a sponsor, and felt I would be told to get another sponsor and I wasn't ready to do that when it happened.
Now I know I can read my list to a stranger--like a minister or a therapist.....I can and may end up doing that.....if I do, then why do I really need a "sponsor" at all? To hold me accountable???? I have God and you guys for that..(LOL...small joke there, however, there is some truth to it because I have been coming to this board since 2013 when I had 5 months of sobriety. I have posted alot of crap--and I do mean crap--and have received some excellent advice.......
Hey--maybe all you people can be my sponsors???????? Now, that would really make me feel "special", and if my personal intimate stuff is going to end up getting out to God knows how many people, at least it is likely it won't get out to people I have to see and be around in meetings. Ha!
My point really is.......if I truly believe that God can and will remove the desire to ever drink again from me, and I truly place my trust and faith in Him to do just that....why do I need to depend on a human to help Him with that? Isn't that giving people some special power --and alcoholics who although sober now end up relapsing in the future? Are they still going to feel the same commitment to keep what they heard quiet. I heard a share from someone who admitted that he had sponsored people, got drunk again, stopped AA, and blabbed his sponsees' stuff and some of the crazy things they did to others in the bar. We are not known for having good judgement when we drink...and sometimes when we are sober either--I know that from the sponsors I have had.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Tuesday 21st of June 2016 07:38:43 AM
The point of the sponsor is that they should be sharing their OWN experience with working the steps, to help show you how to do it. For example, it's a really good idea for us to have someone we can talk to during the process of writing the 4th step to make sure we're correctly understanding how to do it, and to learn from that person's experience - what was THEIR 4th step and 5th step like? What did they do well and what did they not do well?
And of course you can find someone other than a sponsor to hear your 5th step, and there's info about this option in the AA literature, but if that person is not a sober alcoholic you'll miss out by not having another alcoholic who can share their own experiences with you during the fifth step. If you go to someone outside of AA, does this person know what an "AA 5th step" is? Can they really understand what you are doing, and can they share their own experience with the 5th step with you?
Read the last paragraph on page 75, which tells us what to do immediately after finishing step 5. Will you be able to honestly do these things and be ready to proceed if you haven't completely done a fifth step with another human being?
And then what about the steps AFTER step five? Who will be sharing their own experience with those steps to help you do them?
... so - if you are especially concerned about a sponsor keeping a confidence, why not simply find someone who is in AA and has lots of experience with the steps, but who is not part of your regular meetings, to hear your fifth step? You can find such a person by going to meetings you don't normally go to, you can ask someone who lives far away and is just visiting the meetings in your area briefly, etc.
You can also do more work to pick a good sponsor right where you are - talk to some people in your meetings and ask them who THEIR sponsor is, and ask them a few questions about what they think of their sponsor - is their sponsor good at keeping their word and not revealing things told in confidence? Etc. If you get good 'reviews' about other people's sponsors for these things that are especially important to you, you might ask that sponsor to help you.
.... and one more thing - I'm certainly NOT excusing a sponsor who breaks a confidence - that is not okay. Having said that, you can also ask yourself - is there anything you can do to be less concerned about what other people think of you? That includes both your sponsor and anyone else in AA. Believe me, I have had that same issue, although I'm a lot better in that department than I used to be. I went through a phase where I was extremely reluctant to divulge anything that might make me 'look bad' and I was extremely sensitive to thoughts about what other people were thinking of me. It was a very uncomfortable form of self-centeredness. But I made a point to keep reminding myself 'what the hell does it matter if they know xyz about me? What exactly am I worried about? That they will think I'm an alcoholic, with the past of an alcoholic?' Well, duh, and they are too!'. And eventually, with time, and by working the steps (especially 5 and 9) I was just less bothered by that stuff. I was more comfortable in my own skin. I began to feel like, yup, that's what my life used to be like, and now it's completely different, and I do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. The promises were coming true.
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Tuesday 21st of June 2016 12:26:59 PM
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Tuesday 21st of June 2016 01:15:53 PM
I forgot about that, Pappy. Thanks for reminding me.
Thanks so much, Dave. I am going to refer back to what you wrote when my heads a bit clearer and figure it out. Just confused right now about it all. And scared. Damn the fear!
Ok....I have decided to listen and keep my ears open to shares and at least be receptive to finding another sponsor. It was strange, Pappy and Dave.....at a meeting yesterday a woman looked right at me and shared how having a sponsor helped her stay sober. She looked right at me and said "This is a we, not a me program and we have to have a sponsor to help us stay sober." I don't remember ever seeing this woman and have not shared about my sponsor situation in meetings or with anyone I see in meetings.
I am trying to believe that there are trust worthy people. I think with the relapsing over and over it is hard to trust myself now. It is hard to trust others when I do not trust myself.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Wednesday 22nd of June 2016 07:56:28 AM
