I had 90 days and drank. I just need to talk, i keep deleting everything I type. Everything is just an excuse. Honestly though..crying out for help..seeing how many people look, then look away SUCKS
-- Edited by jen12345 on Tuesday 26th of April 2016 09:36:18 PM
-- Edited by jen12345 on Tuesday 26th of April 2016 10:03:43 PM
Jen, how did you feel for the 90 days (that's actually 3 months, which to me, sounds longer than 90 days)?
3 months is a great accomplishment. Don't beat yourself up over drinking again. I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I "made it" for a week, a month, and one time, I "made it" almost a year. See, the thought of "how long can I make it" is bad thinking. That's what I used to do. See how long I could go without a drink. But you're torturing yourself when you think of it that way.
One day at a time is how I did it in the beginning. But if you work the program, eventually, you will lose the desire for alcohol, and you won't even think about it very often. It becomes easy.
alkies that try to "make it" for a period of time, are still craving for something that they hope will never happen.
For now, though, one day at a time is the best way to abstain. Get to a meeting, and don't beat yourself up. We've all fallen down before, many times. And we could all fall again. That's why most people at meetings aren't gonna look down on you because you slipped. We all have.
Pit ain't the end of the world cause you took some drinks. But if you don't catch yourself now, well, then it could be.
glad you came here, Jen. Remember, we're on YOUR side.
Sorry I had an attitude. I had just gotten home from a meeting..I get hit on by the guys and the girls aren't receptive because of it. I felt AWESOME when I wasn't drinking. I drank because I wanted to feel even better..mistake. Thanks
Hi Jen and welcome to the board. I sure know about guilt and I am not the one to tell you how not to feel it because I do as well. I had over two years of sobriety and drank again. I think if we didn't feel some amount of guilt, it means we don't care about our sobriety. It can work against us though. It did me. I used my guilt as an excuse not to stay sober. I would drink then get sober again--more than once. Something wouldn't go my way, and because of the leftover guilt I had from my previous drinking, I would think, well my "real" sobriety time is already screwed up, so it doesn't really matter, might as well drink again. Guilt will kill me if I let it so I am trying to let go of last week's, last month's and a few month's ago guilt. As they say in AA, all we have is "TODAY". All I really have to try to do is stay sober "TODAY". It has been/still is very difficult for me, however, I am trying to not look so much at that time I was sober as "gone" or "lost". I am trying to tell myself that it really felt great being sober during that time and I want that feeling again. One day, one hour, one minute not drinking for me is a great thing.
As far as the looking and looking away you mentioned.....if you are talking about others in the meetings knowing you relapsed and you feel like they are disappointed in you, don't respect you as much or that you let them down......well, again, I do know where you are coming from. I too have been and am going through that now. I had quite a few friends in AA. I thought fairly good friends. I have lost them.....wait a minute, let me rephrase that.....They have lost me. I never ever treated anyone who relapsed and came back into the rooms as if they are a leper. I always welcomed them back, hugged, smiled at them. There could be 75 people in the meeting......when I saw one person who had been out come back through the doors it made me feel wonderful! I worry about folks. I see them in the meetings (as on this board) and if they disappear, I am concerned that they drank again, may not come back and end up dying of this disease. I care! Why then, shouldn't there be some folks who care as much about me--and you? Someone told me a while back after I first relapsed at the end of September of last year and I was distressed because of the treatment I received when I got sober again and went back to meetings.......this is what they said...."Your real friends will be there for you, and the rest do not matter". This same person told me the other day when, after two months of me staying out of AA, and relapsing again and again and finally realizing that I cannot do this thing by myself and that I am going to kill myself trying (or not trying...)......and coming back to the meetings and receiving more of these "snubs".....he said "Anyone in Alcoholics Anonymous who treats people that way after they have relapsed and come back into the rooms, does not understand what this program is all about. Do not worry about them. They do not matter. You do not have to prove anything to anyone. This is your sobriety, your program and your life."
Most everyone who is an alcoholic has relapsed more than once. The main thing is that we don't let our guilt and other emotions overwhelm us and keep us from trying again. If I do that and I stop trying, I'd be dead by now, I know.
Also, it is unfortunate that there are men (as well as women) who have this sick, nasty desire to come onto newcomers who are coming to the meetings to stay sober. They care nothing about supporting you and helping you. They only care about themselves. Try to ignore them--pretend that they are not in the rooms--tune them out.
I had the same thing happen to me...I am in my fifties. I really feel for you younger women who I am sure experience it so much more than I did. After you get some time in AA, it should lessen. They are interested in newcomers because they know you are vulnerable and for some freakish reason, that is a turn on. They are extremely needy and insecure people.
Now, I will tell you what I had someone tell me.....I didn't like it at first....I didn't agree with it, but this is what helped me. When I first got sober I dressed somewhat provocatively --tight fitting clothing, high skirts, low cut tops. I dressed like I was going out dancing or to some special event every meeting I went to. I had a nice figure and I didn't feel good about what was on the inside of me, so I dressed that way because my boyfriend liked me in sexy clothing and I wanted to please him and it was the only thing I thought I had going for me. (Which I know now is really kind of sad). The women didn't have much at all to do with me. It was suggested to me when I mentioned that I didn't have any women friends to someone to "dress down". So I started wearing more casual clothing to meetings. Women started being friendlier to me. And I started to feel better about myself that I didn't have to feel like I had to dress any certain way for anyone's approval--even my bf.
That may have nothing to do with you about the dressing thing, just letting you know my own experience.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Wednesday 27th of April 2016 07:23:08 AM
Thank you for sharing here. What keeps me from drinking is feeling connected with and surrounded by others in a similar boat - and we are all in a similar boat. Stay close to the board and keep sharing your truth. I believe there is literally nothing you are experiencing that anyone here would judge you for. The first time I drank after six months sober, I hated myself. Stick around because we all get it.
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Welcome to MIP Jen, ... I know the feel'n of coming back after relapse too, all too well ... After my first AA meet'n, it took me 13 years and nearly dying to make up my mind that I needed 'help' ... and only when I became 'willing' to accept it, did I start to recover ... I'm 8 years sober now and I feel so much better than before ... life has 'meaning' now ...
Don't worry or concern yourself with what others think of you, you need to do this recovery thingy for you, not them ... you are more than welcome to come here and talk with us, we're all riding in the same boat ... we will love you til you learn to love yourself ... so keep post'n, no matter how you say things, we will understand ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am working on trying to not beat myself up for doing something which alcoholics, even in recovery, do...and that is drink. I am hoping that my going out will prove to make me that much stronger and more committed than ever.
I am asking myself questions as to what happened...why did I drink again? It is easy for me to blame others. That way I am released from the burden of accepting responsibility and I don't have to do the work necessary to stay sober. I now realize that I was going through all of the motions and thought that just going to meetings and doing service work was enough. I prayed, however, I was trusting in something outside myself to keep me sober. I read the Big Book, however, although my eyes took the words on the pages in, my mind did not. I didn't question anything in it and I didn't try and find the answers out to things I did not understand (and there is so much in the BB I do not understand). Now as I am reading, I take notes. It is slow for me. That is okay. Before our meeting, I read over the chapter my sponsor and I read together and was told I need to read it again. I said "I read this before our meeting, so you want me to read it again???" I didn't fuss and I accepted the answer...."Yes. I want you to understand it.". It takes me a long time to read---always has. So at first I thought "What on earth? Read one chapter three times in a couple of days???" My sponsor spent almost three hours going over that chapter with me. I figured it must be pretty important....."We Agnostics" is the title. I have never had a sponsor who took so much time with me. I felt guilty after the meeting about that. This person has more faith in me than I have in myself. The very least I can do is try my best to listen and do what I am told.
I now know that in order for me to stay sober requires a huge commitment on my part to learn as much as I can and not just know of the Big Book--know what is in the Big Book. Do I really want to read and re-read one chapter? No (that's sad, however, honest). I would rather spend my time doing other things like watching a mindless movie, worrying about the future, holding onto crap from the past. Although I feel like I spent all this time doing so much work in AA before I drank, I realize I was just going through the motions and that didn't keep me sober.
And between the good folks on this board and my new sponsor, I think I finally know that if I don't work to discover as much as I can about all of the spiritual awareness/awakening part of the program that I can, all I will have is what I had......and that is more of the same--going through the motions and drinking again.
don't be too hard on yourself ... all of us have been through this phase ... I remember, before sobering up, I'd get up and barely make it to the bathroom, then I'd look at myself in the mirror as I was leave'n and spit at the mirror for allowing myself to turn into this horrible, blood-shot eyed monster stand'n there look'n back at me ... I literally hated what I'd become ... I hated myself for not controlling my excessive drink'n the night before ...
Relapses were just as bad ... I began to think there was no hope for me, so did a lot of others ...
It happens and we just simply get up, go to meet'ns and try again ... til we 'get it' ... it's much better than the alternative ... stick around, like I said, we'll love you til you can learn to love yourself ...
Love ya, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I had 90 days and drank. I just need to talk, i keep deleting everything I type. Everything is just an excuse. Honestly though..crying out for help..seeing how many people look, then look away SUCKS
Hello Jen; My name is Marc and I am an Alcoholic. Ok, So you have relapsed and you feel bummed. Well, There are others like you. Sometimes at the beginning of a meeting the chairperson will ask for those people with 90 days or less to raise their hand. Take a look around when that happens. 'AA' and other FellowShips are sorta' like a revolving door with people going in and out for all sorts of reasons and 90 days or less seems to be where the herd is. Congratulations!, You're in the herd. :) Over the years I've attended a variety of AA Meetings and it's really not only about the days. Get back in the Saddle and Work the Steps with a Sponsor(Someone with at least a year of continuous Sobriety).
Try not to worry about the things you are deleting. That is your right to do so if you are not comfortable posting whatever it is you are deleting....
(I have deleted postings that I later was embarrassed about--either because of the content or because of the number of postings and fear of what others would think of me. Then another poster which used to be on here called me out on it. That person was not a moderator, however, somehow knew the exact number of postings I deleted--and it was a bunch! How embarrassing! I now do alot of typing and deleting things as I go and try to only post things that I will not regret later. I understand, but hopefully I will reach the point where I don't worry so much what others think of me. What a happy day that will be for me :) :) :)
We need not bottle things up too much ... it does a person good to open up sometimes ... even if we receive criticism from someone else ... it may just give us a different point of view ... which is sometimes healthy for our attitude in general ...
And I'm approaching the point now where I feel like I've heard it all, LOL ... I still get surprised sometimes, but those times are get'n to be few and far between ... if you think it is possible we can help, or put your mind at ease, by all means, tell us what's got you concerned ...
Love you guys and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
First off... If it was easy to get sober and stay sober no one would ever relapse. I was 23 when I first put myself into treatment and it took 1 1/2 yrs of steady relapsing before it finally hit me. I know I needed ever drink I took to get me to the point where i truly wanted sobriety. Some people get it quicker than others so don't beat yourself up over it. Second, if you're getting hit on by a lot of guys then I'd suggest either sticking to all women's meetings or go to meetings with female friends or your sponsor will run interference with the guys for you. Female support in AA can sometimes be sort of sketchy. I've seen it myself where some women get jealous and competitive over other woman that receives a lot of male attention and they can't kick them out the door quick enough. You don't need those type of women in your life. I remember in my younger days the women would circle the wagons around a female new comer... lol... You'd see women with sobriety practically traveling in packs to make sure female new comers felt comfortable. My suggestion is to search out the female old timers in your area and associate with them. They tend not to be scared about calling someone on their shit and know what they're talking about. Anyway... Put down the bottle... pick up the meeting guide... and find the first all womans meeting in your area... go to it... talk about whats going on... get phone numbers... and use them!!! Good luck
I put the bottle down May 11. Went to the Dr., told the truth and they sent me to the hospital in an ambulance. They gave me 1 bag of IV fluids and an ativan. Then they sent me to "tis other unit." I was horrified! It reminded me of jail! I was totally freaked out, can't even describe it. They said they weren't doing anything else for me but to "watch me." I said,"I don't need fluids or medicine?" My blood pressure was 180/100 and my pulse was 136. They said no. So I said then I'll do this at home and got the hell out of there! I have been detoxing on my own, my bp is 156/100 today. Going to the Dr. tomorrow. I haven't drank since. Don't know what's gonna happen.
Haven't gone to a meeting yet. Going to the Dr. tomorrow. Staying sober by thinking of what I lost and what I want to get back. My health situation helps too unfortunately! I don't want to start at day one again. Hoping the Dr. lets me drive home tomorrow. I hope they can't send me to the hospital again. I can't do that place they sent me to, NO WAY. When I left the hospital I walked to my car like 2 miles.
I would not have been able to get through early sobriety just by thinking about what I had lost. I needed lots of help from the people who knew how to stay sober.
I hope you take advantage of all the help that is available for you in AA.
Ditto what Dave said, ... I had to 'lose' myself in the meet'ns ... several a day til I felt I could be alone for a few hours ...
I'm sorry, but when I started feel'n and think'n bout what I had lost, it only made me want to drink more ... and THAT was unbearable for me ... I had to think bout what I had to be grateful for and get to my next meet'n ... that's how I went through detox ... then I simply prayed to do the next 'right' thing ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks for Birthday wishes! 8 days today. Still shaky but otherwise good. Seen 2 doctors. Go for intake Monday, gonna do 1 on 1 counseling. Haven't tried that yet. Things are looking better with my family. They see that I slipped up but I do WANT to be sober, and I don't want to detox again!
My phone rang last night at 10:45 p.m. It was a text from a # I didn't recognize. Hey Jen don't know if this is still your #, wondering how you're doing. I thought about who it would be that late and obviously I haven't talked to them in awhile. I figured out it was this guy I went out with almost 3 years ago, he is an alcoholic who chooses to stay that way. So today I texted the # and said Good morning Susan! He wrote whos this? I wrote Ben( hahaha) Not going near that!! Thanks everyone for reading and writing!! Jen
Aloha Jen and welcome to the board...I haven't been "home" as daily as I use to and dared so this morning to find your post "Feeling Guilty" which is an emotion early on in recovery I would not feel...my ego would not allow me to feel any "less than" emotions. It would take much time and many meetings in order for me to acknowledge I was human and had emotions I could use to get and stay sober.
I have a big book and much more literature from AA in my house. Presently I am back again with "As Bill Sees it" which was a gift from an elder sponsor and his wife back in 1983. They loved working with me because they loved to laugh and then taught me how to face myself and do the same.
When I came into recovery the second time I was clear headed for very short periods of time and on the second time came to the realization that I was "dumb as a stick"; that I didn't know (about alcoholism) and didn't know that I didn't know. I had near death events from drinking and thought the manufacturers were amiss for not telling me (us) that we could over dose and never know it. It was all their fault. Over time I came to realize that "I was responsible" for it all and no one else. My early sponsor told me I was going to have to remove myself from all things alcohol and in following thru on that suggestion I left my family of origin and a wife I loved dearly because she loved to drink with me and was in awe of how and how much. I just didn't want to die drunk was my only desire and so I walked into the rooms of recovery and listened to it all.
Learning humility (being teachable) and how to practice from the old timers (so very many of them...thank you God) was and still is key...I don't have to reinvent how this is done.
One of my sponsors told me that I would know when I was sober when I "half lifed" which is when I would have as much time sober (jest not about no drinking) as I did during the drinking. I reached half life on Feb 8th of this year and one of my old questions, "Now what"? rea-arrived and I started to laugh again I had one day more alcohol and drug free than I had not had before.
I don't miss alcohol any longer...it misses me and needs to get a program of total abstinence from Jerry F.
If you like the negative feelings allow yourself a certain amount of minutes to feel them and then move on to the good stuff. In support. (((Hugs)))
