I know there's an AA group here in my town, but I won't go. I know there are online meetings and chatroom, but I won't go. I've known for more than 20 years that someday I would stand up and utter those words, "Hi, my name is Jack, and I'm an alcoholic"
How have i survived so long, why am I not dead. why am I still employed, why am I still married? because like my alcoholic mother, I'm a master at hiding it.
I once heard a term, functional alcoholic, maybe that's what I am, but I'm sinking lower and lower. I wish I had someone to talk to, some I could share with, I'm shy, I don't want to raise my hand in class, I don't want to stand up and announce to the world that i've screwed up.
Many of us have tried to stop drink'n on our own, but somehow, we always woke up the next morn'n drunk ... some of us drank more than others, but the fact is, we couldn't stop by using 'will power' ...
Try to get a copy of the AA Book Alcoholics Anonymous and at least read the first 164 pages ... if it 'speaks' to you let us know and we'll help break down that barrier you have for get'n to a meet'n ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
You sure don't sound like you are happy and that you are having much fun, Funster. I am glad that you have reached out here. Twenty years is a long time to hide drinking. I don't even think that is possible. Truth be known, probably others are more on to you than you think they are. My Dad was a heavy drinker for years and his workplace eventually realized he had a problem. They gave him a choice--get help or get out. He chose the latter and retired early. Instead of enjoying his retirement, he had more time to drink and that he did--round the clock. He only lived a few short years after he left there. We really are not as good at fooling people as we think we are. In fact, they are fooling us by not stirring the pot and are merely tolerating our behavior and possibly enabling us to continue our destructive lifestyle.
Keep in mind that alcohol is a depressant. You sound extremely depressed and it is never going to change until you decide to help yourself and get the help you need and deserve