Subject: English

 

LOVE this.

 

 

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.  In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes. 

 

 

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. 

 

Here is his astute answer: 
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!! 

 

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

 

**************************************************************************************************************

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fill. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

 

Dear Mrs. Harris:

 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this

behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an

official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right

away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a "Code 3."

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

 

6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department, to which twenty children obliged.

 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMT's were called.

 

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme song.

 

12. October 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his

"Madonna Look" using different sizes of funnels.

 

13.  October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

 

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed  "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

 

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked, "Where is the fitting room?" And last, but not least:

 

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed

out.

 

 

******************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

ZEN  TEACHINGS

 

 1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

 

2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

 

3.  No one is listening until you fart.

 

4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 

5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

 

7.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

8..  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

 

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

12. Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree.

 

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ..... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

 

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving

 

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

 

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

 

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same  night.

 

***********************************************************************************

 

 

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'

 Postal 'Service'

 Telephone 'Service'

 Cable TV 'Service

 Civil 'Service'

 Municipal, City, & Public 'Service'

 Customer  'Service'

 

 This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

 But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows

 

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

 

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

 I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.