There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a different basis.
There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.
The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and obligation or undue influence from any source, including recovery professionals.
Our goal is to detach in love with family members. Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don't do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.
It's okay to say no to our families when that is what we want. It's okay to say yes to our families if that feels right. It's okay to call time out and it's okay to go back as a different person.
God, help me choose the path that is right for me with family. Help me understand there is no right or wrong in this process. Help me strive for forgiveness and learn to detach with love, whenever possible. I understand that this never implies that I have to forfeit self-care and health for the good of the system.
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
(I'm running out of ways to say 'thank you' on this board, and I suppose 'cheers' is not the best word to use here lol)
This is a topic I wanted to start, because it was something I'm dealing with and it's great for an ongoing discussion other than just a today's gift (as great as they are, I think some people don't even read these posts (but keep 'em coming!)). When one is going through recovery it is often necessary to avoid certain family members (and friends). This can lead to much guilt on the recoverer's part, especially when they feel they are "abandoning" these people, and these people often convey and persecute you for this, leading to more guilt.
Often family members, especially family members of alcoholics, are also alcoholics and some are downright abusive. Often the recoverer has to detach from these people in order to deal with this. Sometimes, later in their recovery, they can visit these people again when they've learned to deal with their own sh*t as well as others'. Sometimes it may be necessary to avoid these people for life, which can be particularly hard when this person happens to be a PARENT.
I'm still on the fence about this, honor thy mother and thy father and so forth. You can 'honor' and forgive them from afar, but it may not be how they will receive this, despite how well you explain it to them. Maybe it's because of guilt on their part (or maybe they think you're just blaming all your problems on them, while they refuse any accountability). Detaching in/from/with love can seem particularly difficult. But at this point you need to what is best for yourself. It may have seemed 'noble' in the past to sacrifice your own well being for the sake of others, but if it is not in your own self interest you should avoid it. It is not selfish or narcissistic to take care of yourself (for once).
-- Edited by Jakamo on Tuesday 9th of February 2016 11:07:18 AM
I left Canada in the early eighties. My mother labelled me 'The Prodigal'. I resented that, of course. :)
I have never returned there and have no regrets.
Thanks Jak, ... yeah, I started post'n these a few years ago because I got so much wisdom from them that I felt others would like to read them also ... and over time, many have expressed to me that they've found them to be very uplifting and spiritually comforting ...
Sometimes a topic will hit you smack dab up side the head cause it addresses a situation you really needed help with ... that still happens to me ever now and again ... I love this site for it's continued inspiration on a daily basis ... glad you like it ... I'll make every effort to keep them coming ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
