Ok...I am really confused. Sponsor recently (in her words...)..."strongly encouraged" me going to rehab. (She told me this was her friend's suggestion actually--the one she shared my stuff with recently). I haven't picked up again since my relapse. She said with everything going on with me it would solidify my sobriety (or something like that). I got confused about her saying also because I am "tempted to drink everyday". I have only had one time since I got sober again where I thought about drinking. It was very brief and I was fine. I told her about it and let her know the thought came into my mind and didn't last anytime. I don't know where she got the"tempted to drink everyday" thing. I'm not and I let her know that and that at this time I do not feel I need rehab. Last week she told me she wanted me to seriously consider going on anti-depressants. I had mentioned to her before I don't want to take pills because my doc told me I have to be careful I don't get addicted to them and she still brought it up that she thinks they will really help me. As I told her, I have been calling her everyday as she told me to do and I have been fine. I don't whine and moan about things when I am with her (believe it or not) and in fact, she does as much or more talking about herself when we are together as I do about me. It bothered me at first, however, now I am fine with it. Less likely I am to share something I'll regret sharing this way.
I don't need my sponsor to give me medical advice. I just want her to help me go through those Steps so I can stay sober. I am sure rehab works for some and for some it doesn't. If I was thinking about drinking and whining "I need a drink" all the time, then I could see me checking myself into one. Just don't understand her bringing that rehab thing and the pills up to me when that is not the case with me.
Anyway, just venting here and I cannot share this with anyone in my meetings. Thanks for listening or pushing the back arrow, whichever is preferred. LOL.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Thursday 14th of January 2016 06:02:34 AM
I feel like God is letting me know this is not working. I am thinking about finding a addiction therapist to work with and see if that person will help me work the Steps. If not, I will find someone else to help me.
Ok...I am really confused. Sponsor recently (in her words...)..."strongly encouraged" me going to rehab. (She told me this was her friend's suggestion actually--the one she shared my stuff with recently). I haven't picked up again since my relapse. She said with everything going on with me it would solidify my sobriety (or something like that). I got confused about her saying also because I am "tempted to drink everyday". I have only had one time since I got sober again where I thought about drinking. It was very brief and I was fine. I told her about it and let her know the thought came into my mind and didn't last anytime. I don't know where she got the"tempted to drink everyday" thing. I'm not and I let her know that and that at this time I do not feel I need rehab. Last week she told me she wanted me to seriously consider going on anti-depressants. I had mentioned to her before I don't want to take pills because my doc told me I have to be careful I don't get addicted to them and she still brought it up that she thinks they will really help me. As I told her, I have been calling her everyday as she told me to do and I have been fine. I don't whine and moan about things when I am with her (believe it or not) and in fact, she does as much or more talking about herself when we are together as I do about me. It bothered me at first, however, now I am fine with it. Less likely I am to share something I'll regret sharing this way.
I don't need my sponsor to give me medical advice. I just want her to help me go through those Steps so I can stay sober. I am sure rehab works for some and for some it doesn't. If I was thinking about drinking and whining "I need a drink" all the time, then I could see me checking myself into one. Just don't understand her bringing that rehab thing and the pills up to me when that is not the case with me.
Anyway, just venting here and I cannot share this with anyone in my meetings. Thanks for listening or pushing the back arrow, whichever is preferred. LOL.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Thursday 14th of January 2016 06:02:34 AM
Based on this and several other posts it is apparent that you view your sponsor relationship as adversarial and highly strained. This is not good.
I also have to notice that we here only get to read one side of the interactions. I keep wondering what her side of
the story would be.
Seems like the sponsor is making suggestions, like going to rehab, and the response is usually:
No, no, no.
You have indicated distress that your sponsor talked behind your back about a sensitive issue. Does your sponsor know that you are doing the same to her in various postings on this board?
Morn'n LTR, ... I, for one, disagree with your sponsor, the go'n to Rehab bit anyways ... I feel I know you as well as anyone around, and having said that, and be'n in Rehab 4 times myself, I feel your stay'n sober 2 years then have'n a hiccup, is only an indication that your work'n the steps wasn't quite thorough enough ... I agree that the only 'medical' advice you take should be from a Dr. ... maybe a thorough physical and psychic evaluation is in order??? ... (my wife just had a physical and the blood work showed she was seriously Vitamin D3 deficient ...) ...
Rehab, for me, was only good for one thing, 'Detox' ... other than that, it was up to me to chose to get my butt to AA ... which is where I started heal'n ... and that was due to work'n the Steps ... I was a ruff case, took several times to 'get' the program through my thick skull ... some of my friends never did and have since died ... The Difference???, I allowed the 'Grace of God' to give me 'direction' ... I stopped fight'n anything and any one ... I just followed the direction of a good sponsor ... I didn't question him and his advice, I just did it ... and I got better ...
Not sure what else I can say that might help ... just hang in there and do what you feel is 'right' ... try not to 'think' too much, that causes us to make 'mountains' out of 'mole hills' ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks, Pappy....and it is because of your encouragement in helping me learn to trust more in God, that I do so much more praying now. Maybe not enough, as I am still learning everyday. Still have a ways to go and I am willing to do what I need to do....whatever His will for me is. Thank you so much for your input.
Hi Tanin,
Missed you around here the last few days. You add a lot of interesting things to this board. I haven't used any names (do not even use my city/state) and everything I have posted is my news...it is not like I am sharing any confidential and/or intimate details about someone else--it all has to do with me. In my desperation to seek help and get the advice of others who have more ESH than I do, and in my desperation to stay sober, perhaps I have shared too much and have not used the best judgement. God knows better than I do and hopefully, He will let me know when and if I cross the line, when and if I divulge information that I should not. I could always delete some of my postings if so ????? LOL! (And since you called me on doing that in the past, I don't think I have deleted but one post since then. But....you probably would know that better than me...(again LOL).
So, Tanin....using love and tolerance in my response to you....I agree with you. You're right. You do not know but one side. It's the only "side" I know. And there are plenty of others out there besides me who use these boards to come to and ask questions, get support about relationships with their sponsor, wives, husbands, gf's and bf's, mom's, dad's, as well as friends and other things to help them stay sober. I have dealt with some real challenges and I have not been equipped to handle them on my own. I cannot even get my daughter to see me. I am a mess at relationships, and I admit it. If I am not prepared to hear whatever it is you have to say, I know I shouldn't post it at all. Before I post anything now, I actually think to myself..."now how is Tanin going to respond to this?" So despite the fact that in the past I have felt resentful at you for taking my inventory, I guess I welcome it now, because I know that I am a mess of a mess. It is too many people! Not just one or two! It cannot be everyone else! It must be me! And "me" has to change for things to change. I know this. So, guess what I am saying is...bring it on, Tanin. I am learning from you, too and appreciate your input, too.
And I thank God for those like you and Pappy for having love and tolerance with me, and trying to help me.
Tanin, you're not always going to get a good sponsor. I had a sponsor with long time sobriety in early recovery who used me as a taxi service/moving company/storage facility/home decorator and the list goes on. It took me a while to wake up and get rid of her. Yes, leavetherest might share a lot, but if it's keeping her sober, who am I to say? I have no idea from her posts where she lives or who her sponsor is that she talks about. I wouldn't consider that "talking behind her back".
Thanks, Pappy....and it is because of your encouragement in helping me learn to trust more in God, that I do so much more praying now. Maybe not enough, as I am still learning everyday. Still have a ways to go and I am willing to do what I need to do....whatever His will for me is. Thank you so much for your input.
Hi Tanin, Missed you around here the last few days. You add a lot of interesting things to this board. I haven't used any names (do not even use my city/state) and everything I have posted is my news...it is not like I am sharing any confidential and/or intimate details about someone else--it all has to do with me. In my desperation to seek help and get the advice of others who have more ESH than I do, and in my desperation to stay sober, perhaps I have shared too much and have not used the best judgement. God knows better than I do and hopefully, He will let me know when and if I cross the line, when and if I divulge information that I should not. I could always delete some of my postings if so ????? LOL! (And since you called me on doing that in the past, I don't think I have deleted but one post since then. But....you probably would know that better than me...(again LOL).
So, Tanin....using love and tolerance in my response to you....I agree with you. You're right. You do not know but one side. It's the only "side" I know. And there are plenty of others out there besides me who use these boards to come to and ask questions, get support about relationships with their sponsor, wives, husbands, gf's and bf's, mom's, dad's, as well as friends and other things to help them stay sober. I have dealt with some real challenges and I have not been equipped to handle them on my own. I cannot even get my daughter to see me. I am a mess at relationships, and I admit it. If I am not prepared to hear whatever it is you have to say, I know I shouldn't post it at all. Before I post anything now, I actually think to myself..."now how is Tanin going to respond to this?" So despite the fact that in the past I have felt resentful at you for taking my inventory, I guess I welcome it now, because I know that I am a mess of a mess. It is too many people! Not just one or two! It cannot be everyone else! It must be me! And "me" has to change for things to change. I know this. So, guess what I am saying is...bring it on, Tanin. I am learning from you, too and appreciate your input, too.
And I thank God for those like you and Pappy for having love and tolerance with me, and trying to help me.
I did not "call" you on the postings. I simply replied to your October PM. In it I said:
Greetings, H1. Doing alright, just busy. Thanks.
How 'bout you? How you doing?
I see you Just deleted 70+ posts. What's that all about?
Ironically, your answer was that a local-to-you AA was reading your posts and that distressed you because you had revealed too much info.
Yet, you continue to post and suspect that you have "shared too much," as you state above.
I cannot remember if I went through and deleted those before I relapsed, while I was drinking or afterwards. It was around that time though. Something I had posted received a reply which I got upset at. Not sure if it was you or someone else....I got upset and in a immature little fit, I just kept clicking and clicking delete. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my postings. I felt I was being laughed at and I felt I humiliated myself with all my postings.....I felt like I made a fool of myself. That's where my mind was at during that time.
When you sent me that "Private" message, I got even more embarrassed that you knew not only that I deleted postings, you knew an exact number of how many I deleted. I felt more embarrassment and shame. I was afraid if you knew that kind of info, that maybe you were a moderator. I even asked you how you knew about the number of postings and that's why I asked you if you were a specific name of one of the moderators who doesn't post very much. (You didn't answer that). I was afraid that I may have been kicked off the board if I said I got upset at something someone said who replied to me--whether it was you or someone else....again I don't remember. I was a bigger mess during that time. That's when I said what I said about someone here. Yes, it wasn't honest, yes, I shouldn't have made it up. It is just what I said to hopefully put if off on me, when I felt I had to give you an answer and I was afraid the truth would get me kicked off this board, which I depend on.
Now, if you want to give me a hard time about not being "totally honest" and not being able to be "trusted". Go right ahead. That is the only time I have ever not been honest on anything to have to do with this board. God knows that and I really don't care if you or anyone else believes me or not.
And also Tanin, if there is ever a posting of yours where you are asking me a question which I do not feel is beneficial and serves no purpose other than to get me stressed and I do not answer, please don't take it personally. It's just that I now answer to God--not you.
And I hope that you feel better. I am more embarrassed than ever. But I guess I did it to myself. I just hope that I don't let this posting to cause me enough of it to get me to go off of this board (again (.... because I rely on it more than my meetings to stay sober and without it I don't know what I will do. That is why I have kept coming back.
It doesn't sound like you relationship with your sponsor is working that well. Who is at fault is something only you know for sure. Maybe you are just not well matched.
The AA I came into was very strong on rehab. Maybe 90% or more of all newcomers spent 6 weeks sitiing around the rooms before they were sent off to Queen Mary Hospital for treatment. When they cane back 8 weeks later they had done at lest the first five steps, sometimes up to eight. It was a well regarded program, and the people that went formed a strong bond having shared in a common experience. They became salesmen for the program. They told me all kinds of bs to get me there. That I would have my own room, that I could ride horses, play golf, enjoy hot pools etc and made it sound like a holiday camp, which was the main reason I didn't go.
There was a lot of pressure to go and I was told I would not get sober if I didn't. By God's grace I found a sponsor who was one of the few people who hadn't been. He was an AA baby, as we liked to say. His advice to me was to go if I felt the need to go, and if I didn't feel the need to go, that was ok too. I didn't go, I'm still sober 36 years later.
Pills were never discussed. The pill situation was maybe a bit different then. I recall we had a lot of alcohlics who were also prescription drug addicts, valium being the most common. The rehab, my family doctor, the doctors in AA at the time, were all vehemently opposed to medication for alcoholics of my type, other than detox essentials administered by medical professionals. This stance of course excluded those with serious mental illness from which I did not suffer. Views have changed on this because modern medications are "thought" to be non-addictive. But then again alcohol is non-addictive to most people.
Who knows? I might have benefited from the rehab experience, but AA and the newcomer today are not benefiting. The rehab closed a few years back and has left us with a lot of old timers who have only ever taken the steps in the rehab way. They don't know how to take a newcomer through the steps the AA way because they have never done that work themselves. It's very hard to find sponsors who will help you get on with it, the standard line being your not ready, or come back when you've written out your fourth step (hoping they never come back and most don't). And of course those older members are missing out on the real rewards of the AA program. To a large extent their sobriety is meetings based and quite volatile as a result.
That's a few pros and cons for you. I came to AA and worked all 12 steps the AA way, and adopted the AA way of life and my life changed. Naturally I am going to suggest this is a good way to go. Others in the fellowship are going to suggest rehab, or don't drink and go to meetings, or some other variation because that is how they did it and they are satisfied with the result.
At the end of the day, it is up to you to decide who looks and feels like they have successfully followed a particular path and now live a life that is something you would want. Pray and trust your feelings.
I cannot remember if I went through and deleted those before I relapsed, while I was drinking or afterwards. It was around that time though. Something I had posted received a reply which I got upset at. Not sure if it was you or someone else....I got upset and in a immature little fit, I just kept clicking and clicking delete. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my postings. I felt I was being laughed at and I felt I humiliated myself with all my postings.....I felt like I made a fool of myself. That's where my mind was at during that time.
When you sent me that "Private" message, I got even more embarrassed that you knew not only that I deleted postings, you knew an exact number of how many I deleted. I felt more embarrassment and shame. I was afraid if you knew that kind of info, that maybe you were a moderator. I even asked you how you knew about the number of postings and that's why I asked you if you were a specific name of one of the moderators who doesn't post very much. (You didn't answer that). I was afraid that I may have been kicked off the board if I said I got upset at something someone said who replied to me--whether it was you or someone else....again I don't remember. I was a bigger mess during that time. That's when I said what I said about someone here. Yes, it wasn't honest, yes, I shouldn't have made it up. It is just what I said to hopefully put if off on me, when I felt I had to give you an answer and I was afraid the truth would get me kicked off this board, which I depend on.
Now, if you want to give me a hard time about not being "totally honest" and not being able to be "trusted". Go right ahead. That is the only time I have ever not been honest on anything to have to do with this board. God knows that and I really don't care if you or anyone else believes me or not.
And also Tanin, if there is ever a posting of yours where you are asking me a question which I do not feel is beneficial and serves no purpose other than to get me stressed and I do not answer, please don't take it personally. It's just that I now answer to God--not you.
And I hope that you feel better. I am more embarrassed than ever. But I guess I did it to myself. I just hope that I don't let this posting to cause me enough of it to get me to go off of this board (again (.... because I rely on it more than my meetings to stay sober and without it I don't know what I will do. That is why I have kept coming back.
Definitely keep coming back, LTR.
leavetherest wrote:
So, Tanin....using.... So, guess what I am saying is...bring it on, Tanin. I am learning from you, too and appreciate your input, too.
And I thank God for those like you and Pappy for having love and tolerance with me, and trying to help me.
Just don't understand her bringing that rehab thing and the pills up to me when that is not the case with me.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Thursday 14th of January 2016 06:02:34 AM
These are things that you should ASK HER and talk about with her until you DO understand. Maybe it will become clear that she has a valid point, in which case you'll see that you should take her advice, or maybe it will become clear to her that she is mistaken and making assumptions and your discussion will clear it all up. But there is nothing to be gained by posting here that you don't understand where she is coming from, and then not do anything to address that, and just leaving the situation unresolved.
Thanks for the responses.... Tanin....I'm still here. Chris...appreciate your input as I was starting to feel guilty about posting the things I did. Fyne Spirit....as always, I found your posting very informative and helpful and you shed some light in my direction. dave...I did talk to her and told her how I felt. I come here as I have done many times throughout my sobriety (as well as throughout my short time in Hell when I chose to pick up again....) to seek information from others who have more sober time and experience than I do with sponsors.
My sponsor had two requirements that I had to meet before she would agree to sponsor me. One was to never lie to her and the other was to be willing to follow her suggestions. I have never lied to her and I have been willing to do what she suggested for the most part. The rehab and pills were the only things I have not been able to do. No where in the Big Book does it say in order to stay sober that I have to take medications I don't feel comfortable taking. No where does it say in the Big Book that I have to go to a rehab. She also told me at our first meeting that anything I tell her would be completely confidential. After I discussed one particular thing with her, she repeated that after I told her I didn't want it shared. I felt "safe" and trusted her. Then she let let me know she shared that particular thing with a friend of hers. I prayed to God about these things as well as other things that have happened, which I have not posted. (I have NOT posted everything.) I kept having these nagging doubts about using her. I didn't know if they were from God or just me. That's why I posted because many many times I have come here and received input from people on this board who are a lot smarter and a lot more insightful than me, which has really helped me. I can not share any of this in the rooms. By coming here and posting, I am not wanting anyone to decide for me or resolve anything. I just wanted to hear from those who may have more clarity than I do about this. I didn't want to make any knee jerk reactions. I feel like I made the right decision to not use her for my sponsor anymore. I feel like without trust, it would not work and I didn't want to have to watch every single thing I told her for fear it would be told.
Now, since that decision I do feel it was the right one to make. And you guys are going to have a much needed break from me because I am going to take a much needed break from posting my drama-filled stuff. I am going to focus on posting more things about AA in general instead of my personal crap. Thanks again for your responses.
Thanks for the responses.... Tanin....I'm still here. Chris...appreciate your input as I was starting to feel guilty about posting the things I did. Fyne Spirit....as always, I found your posting very informative and helpful and you shed some light in my direction. dave...I did talk to her and told her how I felt. I come here as I have done many times throughout my sobriety (as well as throughout my short time in Hell when I chose to pick up again....) to seek information from others who have more sober time and experience than I do with sponsors.
My sponsor had two requirements that I had to meet before she would agree to sponsor me. One was to never lie to her and the other was to be willing to follow her suggestions. I have never lied to her and I have been willing to do what she suggested for the most part. The rehab and pills were the only things I have not been able to do. No where in the Big Book does it say in order to stay sober that I have to take medications I don't feel comfortable taking. No where does it say in the Big Book that I have to go to a rehab. She also told me at our first meeting that anything I tell her would be completely confidential. After I discussed one particular thing with her, she repeated that after I told her I didn't want it shared. I felt "safe" and trusted her. Then she let let me know she shared that particular thing with a friend of hers. I prayed to God about these things as well as other things that have happened, which I have not posted. (I have NOT posted everything.) I kept having these nagging doubts about using her. I didn't know if they were from God or just me. That's why I posted because many many times I have come here and received input from people on this board who are a lot smarter and a lot more insightful than me, which has really helped me. I can not share any of this in the rooms. By coming here and posting, I am not wanting anyone to decide for me or resolve anything. I just wanted to hear from those who may have more clarity than I do about this. I didn't want to make any knee jerk reactions. I feel like I made the right decision to not use her for my sponsor anymore. I feel like without trust, it would not work and I didn't want to have to watch every single thing I told her for fear it would be told.
Now, since that decision I do feel it was the right one to make. And you guys are going to have a much needed break from me because I am going to take a much needed break from posting my drama-filled stuff. I am going to focus on posting more things about AA in general instead of my personal crap. Thanks again for your responses.
LTR, you know I love you too, but I'll say it again, love you and God Bless you ... at least you haven't given up on stay'n sober as you yourself have said you've done on many, many other things in life ... I, for one, feel that is progress, and when we continue to have progress, we'll soon find ourselves where it is we want to be ... in 'life' ...
Now that you're in the frame of mind to recognize past 'character defects', may I suggest some daily prayers that helped me when I was struggling to find a solid foundation in the program ... these do not replace the prayers from your heart for others that need special 'blessings', but these prayers should be used as 'guides' on just what your personal prayers should contain ... and after a time of say'n these prayers, you'll have your own variations that will please God even more ... He loves it when it gets personal ... ... ...
Third Step Prayer
God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!
Seventh Step Prayer
My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good & bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you & my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding.
Eleventh Step Prayer
Lord, make me a channel of thy peace--that where there is hatred, I may bring love--that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness--that where there is discord, I may bring harmony--that where there is error, I may bring truth--that where there is doubt, I may bring faith--that where there is despair, I may bring hope--that where there are shadows, I may bring light--that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted--to understand, than to be understood--to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
Serenity Prayer
GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living ONE DAY AT A TIME; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
St Francis Prayer
Lord, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that where there is discord, I may bring harmony; that where there is error, I may bring truth; that where there is doubt, I may bring faith; that where there is despair, I may bring hope; that where there are shadows, I may bring light that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted; to understand, than to be understood; to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks so much, Pappy, for taking your time and posting those. I will do as you suggested and pray each one of them everyday.
And sobriety is again, my number one Priority. I must never forget that like I did before when I gave up my power and the power of God's will in my life to others. No more. (well...hopefully...I still don't totally trust myself, because I drank not so very long ago and I am not "safe" yet from not letting what others say about me influence me. I am still trying to grow that backbone.)
I appreciate your friendship, your suggestions. And I also greatly appreciate the fact that you do not have the need to cause me to feel worse about myself than I already do (not naming names). I am dealing with something greater than I have shared on this board--and I will never share on this board--and it has about kicked me in the ass and I may not be able to attend meetings around here much longer. These prayers will help me I hope so I won't give up on myself.
Don't forget, you have my personal email address and there is always the PMs here ... if there is anything you feel you need to share in confidence ... (Be sure you state "this is NOT" to be shared if that situation arises) ...
Love you dear, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
