"I have the right to have a different opinion from someone else and to feel at ease with this."
This is from the Al-Anon Bill of Rights, which I stumbled upon. I am going to be working on this one because I have had problems with it. Think I already shared about me feeling like I had to agree, say yes, or keep my thoughts to myself for fear of someone getting mad at me. It's a hard one for me. I'll get "there" one day and not feel guilty for it...(hopefully anyway).
We all have our own opinions.
How to share my opinions, with prudence and tact, is a lesson under continuous revision (I even had to re-edit this line a few times).
Doing Step 9 was a HUGE eye-opener on such things.
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"... unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of recovery." Dr. Silkworth. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Ed. p.xxix)
"I have the right to have a different opinion from someone else and to feel at ease with this."
This is from the Al-Anon Bill of Rights, which I stumbled upon. I am going to be working on this one because I have had problems with it. Think I already shared about me feeling like I had to agree, say yes, or keep my thoughts to myself for fear of someone getting mad at me. It's a hard one for me. I'll get "there" one day and not feel guilty for it...(hopefully anyway).
Al-Anon might be of some help to you, LTR, based on many of the emotions, stresses and problems you have variously described here in recent times. The common denominator of people who seem to trouble you and do you harm is that they are all alcoholic.
Al-Anon is a terrific mutual help group. I have known several AA members who use both programs in recovery. Some here.
I recently went to an Al-Anon/AA meeting. That's right--had both in one.
Although I have been reading Al-Anon literature and it has helped me, I really don't want to attend Al-Anon meetings and hear shares about what people like me have done to them. What good will that do for me? I go to God now and ask for His help in my life and continue to attend AA meetings. And I am really trying harder not to point my finger in any direction other than myself. I seem to have had the knack for getting myself into relationships with controlling and manipulative people and I seem to draw that type because as I have had pointed out to me--I am "too nice". (And I am not nearly as "nice" anymore that's for sure!) I have been extremely unassertive, desperate to have "friends" and "boyfriends" and would agree to do things with them, say yes to things I really wanted to say no to, but because of my intense fear of having someone get mad at me or worse--even drop me--I said "yes" anyway. I wanted to be liked. When I finally did say "no" to some of these folks and ended up not being around them because of the crazy-making, then I AM THE BAD GUY!
Tanin, I now realize that my emotions, stresses and problems are not these other people--they're me. I made unwise decisions, didn't stand up for myself, and allowed myself to go through these things. I do not and can not blame anyone other than myself. Even when lies are told about me, or confidences are broken--my reaction to these things should be..."well, that's a real damn shame she/he felt the need to say/do that. I'll pray for them" and feel sorry for THEM --not ME. It has nothing at all to do about me and my character--my way of treating others. No need for "paybacks". The only real payback I need is from God's love and mercy on my life, and that's good enough for me.
I now no longer will be that needy. I have learned my lesson and I am working hard every day to improve myself and my own thinking so that hopefully, one day I will develop enough self love and self-confidence where I will not be involved with people who are meanies...LOL!
-- Edited by leavetherest on Saturday 9th of January 2016 12:22:44 PM
I recently went to an Al-Anon/AA meeting. That's right--had both in one.
Although I have been reading Al-Anon literature and it has helped me, I really don't want to attend Al-Anon meetings and hear shares about what people like me have done to them. What good will that do for me? I go to God now and ask for His help in my life and continue to attend AA meetings. And I am really trying harder not to point my finger in any direction other than myself. I seem to have had the knack for getting myself into relationships with controlling and manipulative people and I seem to draw that type because as I have had pointed out to me--I am "too nice". (And I am not nearly as "nice" anymore that's for sure!) I have been extremely unassertive, desperate to have "friends" and "boyfriends" and would agree to do things with them, say yes to things I really wanted to say no to, but because of my intense fear of having someone get mad at me or worse--even drop me--I said "yes" anyway. I wanted to be liked. When I finally did say "no" to some of these folks and ended up not being around them because of the crazy-making, then I AM THE BAD GUY!
Tanin, I now realize that my emotions, stresses and problems are not these other people--they're me. I made unwise decisions, didn't stand up for myself, and allowed myself to go through these things. I do not and can not blame anyone other than myself. Even when lies are told about me, or confidences are broken--my reaction to these things should be..."well, that's a real damn shame she/he felt the need to say/do that. I'll pray for them" and feel sorry for THEM --not ME. It has nothing at all to do about me and my character--my way of treating others. No need for "paybacks". The only real payback I need is from God's love and mercy on my life, and that's good enough for me.
I now no longer will be that needy. I have learned my lesson and I am working hard every day to improve myself and my own thinking so that hopefully, one day I will develop enough self love and self-confidence where I will not be involved with people who are meanies...LOL!
-- Edited by leavetherest on Saturday 9th of January 2016 12:22:44 PM
Well, Al-Anon is out too, then, LTR. Bad luck, that.
Still, you seem moderately committed to begin making beneficial changes toward healing and improvement of your mental outlook and well being. That's a positive starting point.
But just declaring it doesn't fix it all. And AA doesn't deal effectively with many of the concerns and mental traumas you have described. That is one of the lessons of the Tina Dupuy case--she threw herself into AA to fix her "alcoholism" but neglected and delayed repairing of other, deeper issues that AA was not designed to provide therapeutic solutions to.
Perhaps professional guidance is what is truly the next correct step, considering your new level of awareness and commitment. Playing Lone Ranger out there with such embedded issues is probably not prudent. It might even be simply wrong-headed. That's why AA encourages all of us to "not hesitate to take your health problems to" the appropriate "doctors, psychologists, and practitioners."
For a lot of people, like Tina, like me, we have to do the footwork to heal and improve.
God can't do it all. It would be a mistake to think He can, LTR.
A huge problem for me is that I was (still am--until I am able to catch myself doing it...) always trying to figure things out and understand/make sense of them. I put too much trust in people and in myself. I was fighting situations and people--I was fighting "life"....I was fighting "myself". Now, Tanin...if you have the time you may want to read my posting again. No where in it do I say I am going to sit on my butt and wait for God to move it for me. I said "I am working very hard to improve myself and my own thinking." I am trying to live by this verse:
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
Trusting in God does not mean being idle....it does not mean that I have no responsibility and can expect a free ride. I understand what the author of that posting you referenced above is saying. I too asked God for certain things I wanted to happen/change in my life and I am still tempted to do that. I am learning, however, to pray to God for His will in my life. I pray for Him to lead me in the right direction every morning and throughout the day when I find myself falling victim for the bs that enters my mind. I also thank Him for the many blessings in my life. My "traumas", as you put it, are merely makings of whatever my mind creates. If I think they are small--they are...If I think they are big--they are--in my mind anyway. Really they are not "traumas" at all....they are annoyances --and when I think about them now, they are minor annoyances at best..... I can look around in the world...read or watch the news and I doubt very seriously any similar stories of things like I have experienced that I posted will show up on CNN or Fox. The things which I allowed to cause me so much pain are not news-breaking events. When I was going through them, one would have thought I thought my life was ending. I'm still here and the only way my life would have ended is if I would have picked up a drink again after the latest thing got to me. I did that awhile back because of my mind making much ado about nothing. I don't want to go there anymore.
In the last few days I have placed more trust in God than ever. The Bible verse above says "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart...." I was trusting partly in Him and the rest in myself/others. I now have turned EVERYTHING over to him--instead of hanging onto things which did nothing but cause me pain, resentments. The rest of the verse says "and lean not on your own understanding". I was doing that--I don't have to understand and figure out why people say and do the things they do. I don't have to know everything. I never will.
And Tanin....the only thing necessary for me to understand--I do now. I feel more peace than I have felt in ages. I now know what my Grandma meant when she talked about it after losing her daughter. I now know what the verse below means....
"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusted in Thee." Isaiah 26:3
My thought is ... God Can do it all, BUT how'd we grow spiritually if He did everything for us? ... of course we must put into action, the open mind to do His 'Will' as best we can and pray for the knowledge and power to carry that out ... we cannot 'earn' the grace He bestows on us, but we can put faith in Him and receive everything we need to live a reward'n life ... and live in the 'peace and serenity' we all seek ... I learned to stop pray'n for material things a long time ago, cause He knows what I need way before I ever ask ... I have learned that pray'n for others health and welfare gives me peace of mind ... and this has taught me patience ... God doesn't work on my time schedule ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I've become convinced that God can do anything for me. The key is for me to let Him and get out of His way and listen and watch. I also know that He doesn't always give me what I ask for but what I get is always the right thing at the right time. Keep it up LTR!
