I am at a loss.....my sponsor told me from the beginning that everything I shared with her was completely confidential. Then last night I get an email message from her informing me that she shared something of a sensitive nature with her best friend and someone she "uses as a co-sponsor" sometimes. This is also an AA member and she has shared a couple of things about her which made me wonder if the woman would mind her telling me. She told me afterwards "I hope you don't mind but..." and told me how she is concerned and trying to help me and since I am "tempted to drink everyday because of things going on with me." I have had one incident that I know of after she agreed to be my sponsor where I told her I thought about drinking....it was a brief thought and like I told her, I handled it well and didn't drink. She said her friend suggested I go to a treatment center to solidify my sobriety.
I was upset. I have heard that sponsors share things with their sponsors about their sponsees when they need help. I never have liked that "concept" and I thought when she said what I told her she would be "confidential" I guess either I misunderstood what that meant or that she chose to make an exception to this.
I am pretty upset over this. I haven't been able to sleep. I sent her a message back letting her know that I have called her everyday as she told me to do since we started working together to check in. (She has answered one time and that is okay with me...as we have been seeing one another at meetings and meeting once a week.) I told her I have left messages for her and when I have told her I have "had a good day" or that I "am fine" I have been completely honest with her. And I have never left a message saying anywhere close to where I have thought about drinking because I haven't.
That day I did have a thought about it, we had already had a meeting set up for that day and I met with her and told her about that thought. How one time got turned into I am "tempted to drink everyday" I don't know. I told her that I thought I was doing a pretty good job of staying sober. She apologized--not for telling her friend what she did, she apologized for coming across like she was not thinking I was doing a good job staying sober.
I am hurt and confused. Been praying about this all night and until I get an answer from God about whether or not to continue working with her, I wanted to come here and see if anyone had any suggestions. Now my trust level is zilch.
Thank you.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Tuesday 5th of January 2016 07:14:23 AM
All I can tell ya is that when I started sponsor'n others, I did go to my sponsor frequently to seek advice ... I would explain that the issue is a personal one and it was to be discussed in confidence ... I got the advice I needed and went on to advise my sponsee without my sponsee even know'n ... and the only time I ever said anything about a sponsee's problems publicly, was as an example to others, perhaps in a meet'n, but without names ... and definitely not if the sponsee was still around and someone might have known 'who' I was referring to ... that's just common sense and repect'n other's privacy ...
If you're talk'n 'bout step 5 work, I'd definitely suggest you make an appointment with a 'out-of-town' preacher, or priest, cause the BB sez to "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being" the exact nature of our wrongs ... ... ... I wouldn't use my sponsor for step 5 in your case ...
I would further suggest you find a good friend here, that you trust to keep your confidence (preferably a lady) ... to discuss issues you wish not to be made public ... of course thru the use of PM's ...
Note: you may never be able to stop the rumors that will sometimes float around the rooms where you live ... it may require you to develop some thick skin ... and don't let things get to you when the 'talk' starts ... and it will ... use the tools you've got 'on hand' to keep your sanity 'in check' ...
I pray you have a good day today and a better tomorrow, God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you, Pappy....
This woman has decades of sobriety time so she is not just starting out sponsoring others. I told her that I did not want this particular thing shared. She assured me she would not. Had she discussed with me before she talked with this woman, I would have reiterated what I said. It is not 5th Step work. I did tell her that I realize none of us are therapists and that I did not expect her to be my therapist. The problem is not only that she told this woman....it is who might this other woman tell...and who will they tell, etc.. I feel like I set myself up.
I agree with you about choosing someone out of the rooms to do my 5th Step work. I also think I need to choose someone outside the rooms to discuss any personal thing about me ever again. I know that I will not be able to be open with this woman and share anything of a personal nature about me ever again.
And I think that I need to work on staying sober directly through God and this board for my program.
Thank you, Pappy.... This woman has decades of sobriety time so she is not just starting out sponsoring others. I told her that I did not want this particular thing shared. She assured me she would not. Had she discussed with me before she talked with this woman, I would have reiterated what I said. It is not 5th Step work. I did tell her that I realize none of us are therapists and that I did not expect her to be my therapist. The problem is not only that she told this woman....it is who might this other woman tell...and who will they tell, etc.. I feel like I set myself up.
I agree with you about choosing someone out of the rooms to do my 5th Step work. I also think I need to choose someone outside the rooms to discuss any personal thing about me ever again. I know that I will not be able to be open with this woman and share anything of a personal nature about me ever again.
And I think that I need to work on staying sober directly through God and this board for my program.
The below is an excerpt from: http://hamrah.co/en/pages/12-step-sponsorship-relationship/
4) Confidentiality & Trust
"Many of us addicts suffer from an inability to trust others. But a safe sponsorship relationship can help build trust and give our sponsee the courage to open up to a new way of life. Keeping what a sponsee tells us confidential is a vital criterion for the sponsorship relationship. When working through the Steps, our sponsee is bound to discuss the most secret and shameful episodes of their lives. Through it, they can slowly let go of shame and accept the consequences of their disease. So there needs to be a understanding between sponsor and sponsee not to repeat anything they share with each other whether related to our addiction or other aspect of our lives. Some sponsors go so far as to avoid mentioning whom they sponsor. There may be times where as a sponsor we need to talk to our own sponsor regarding what our sponsee has told us. On these occasions, it is best to first get our sponsees permission.
Breaking our sponsees confidentiality can cause a relapse, which, given the nature of our disease, can lead even to death.This principle is strongly stressed in every Fellowship meeting and it is a principle that has to be honoured empathically in a sponsorship relationship. We may also have to inform our sponsee that there are subjects we are unable to deal with, such as, for instance a highly disturbing account of violence in the sponsees past. As sponsors we have to know our limits and what we are able to deal with. For certain extreme subjects, we need to direct our sponsees to unburden themselves with a professional, such as a therapist, solicitor or priest.
Ask your potential sponsee:
1) Shall we make a pledge to each other that we shall keep each others confidence in this relationship?
2) Discuss any exceptions or limitations."
-----
There are right now no other people I feel comfortable asking to be my sponsor. My trust is gone. It is important to trust people who sponsor us, as I have always heard in AA. In answer to your question, Tanin, maybe it is not wise, but I really don't even know what "wise" is anymore. (Darn! Wish I had read the above and especially #1 before I asked her to sponsor me.
There are right now no other people I feel comfortable asking to be my sponsor. My trust is gone. It is important to trust people who sponsor us, as I have always heard in AA. In answer to your question, Tanin, maybe it is not wise, but I really don't even know what "wise" is anymore. (Darn! Wish I had read the above and especially #1 before I asked her to sponsor me.
OK, LTR. But I'm reminded of the words by the great American philosopher/commentator, W.J. Welu:
If there is something I've done, or said, and I absolutely don't want ANYONE to know about it, then, I just keep it to myself. If I feel I HAVE to get it out, then I'll tell a tree. (But I'll look around and make sure no one can hear what I'm saying). And the advice I get from the tree about the situation is about as good as anybody's. Usually better.
I ain't got a whole lot to hide, and I have very little shame. I'll tell just about anybody just about anything. Alcoholic? Yeah, that's me. No shame. So what? Millions of people are alcoholics.
I really just don't GAF what anybody thinks. I ain't no worse than anybody else. Matter of fact, truth be told, I'm a whole lot better than a lot. Alkie or not.
Indeed. Not to minimize how annoying this whole episode must be for you, LTR, but unless you're embezzling funds from an orphanage or sneaking into the zoo at night to beat up helpless baby harp seals, what kind of stuff could you possibly be telling someone that would cause a bunch of drunks who ended up in AA to have any reason to look down on you or gossip about you? I mean, who gives a f*ck what they think? I hear that those people all used to have a (gasp!) serious drinking problem!
I looked at the possible options you described in your comment above for how you should respond, and I would add another - just mention to your sponsor, plainly without a bunch of drama or finger pointing, that you'd appreciate it if she refrained from doing that again so that you'll know that you can rely on your sponsor to not divulge things that were told in confidence, and then let her off the hook, forgive her for making a very human mistake, and keep moving forward and continue to work with your sponsor.
After I had been sober a while, it occurred to me that, of all the stuff I didn't want people to know about me, I no longer had any idea what I had told to who, and it really didn't bother me one bit who knew what about me. I didn't care who knew that I was gay because it no longer bothered ME. I didn't care who knew about how I had ruined my family relationships with my drinking because I had performed the esteemable act of making amends and cleaning up that wreckage. I didn't care who knew about how I had destroyed my career because I had done the footwork to rebuild it. My ego and fear about what others thought of me had diminished and my self esteem had risen until the two just sort of met at the same point in the middle. What people thought about me, and what I thought of myself, and what the truth was, were all pretty much the same thing. And I was fine with that. That stuff just wasn't any kind of big deal any more and none of that stuff played much of a role in determining how my life was going anymore. I'm not saying this to brag because it's not anything special about me, I'm sharing this because I want to encourage you to take it easy and give yourself (and yes, others) a break, and I hope you don't let your alcoholism use these kinds of normal human issues to give you an excuse to sabotage your recovery.
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Tuesday 5th of January 2016 07:51:36 PM
So very sorry you have to go through this with your sponsor. I understand that feeling all too well.
I am going through a "mess" here too....not the same, but still hard to go through it. I understand your pain. I am in pain too over stuff that folks are saying and doing.
Thanks Lauramarie.
I am sorry you are in pain from what you are going through. I guess as long as we both lean more on God (or HP) we'll be okay. That's what I am trying to do.
Lauramarie.....this is an excerpt from the Big Book, pg. 125:
"We families of Alcoholics Anonymous keep few skeletons in the closet. Everyone knows about the others' alcoholic troubles. This is a condition which, in ordinary life, would produce untold grief; there might be scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense of other people, and a tendency to take advantage of intimate information. Among us, these are rare occurrences. We do talk about each other a great deal, but we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance."
----------
What I have been trying to do everyday about those people talking about me behind my back (gossip topic on a previous posting) and the above posting is learn more about myself. I cannot figure them or anyone else out. I have my hands full with my own crazy--I don't need others "crazy" and I need to try and focus on making myself a better person. I was asking so much "Why is this happening?" "What did I do to deserve this treatment?" and living in fear that I was going to drink again. Well, I didn't and I feel great! If that is the only damn thing about myself I feel great about I decided it is enough for me right now! I'M STILL SOBER!!!!!
So for days I have been asking myself "How can I move forward?" "How can I not let this cause me to hurt so much?" "How can I get over it and not let it affect my sobriety?" Well, prayer has helped me tremendously. I feel good when I know that I have a HP (God for me) who loves me and is protecting me. No lies anyone can tell about me are big or great enough to destroy me. No confidences I share to another who doesn't know how to keep that confidence has enough power to even come close to God's power over me. So I go to the meetings thinking "God, thank you for being with me and protecting me" instead of "OMG, who has heard that stuff about me?" The fear is gone. I am alright. And if I can do it, lauramarie, so can YOU!
I am feeling somewhat better. I still feel some hurt. All I can do is try not to be like the ones who do things which hurt me. As long as I keep "my side of the street clean" and try not to hurt others I will be alright. This means that I have to guard my ears from what others may share about others and I have to guard my tongue and not tell things about others to others. I really don't have time to get into game-playing and am extremely serious about my sobriety. I don't want to deal with bs anymore....either my own or others. I go to my meetings, keep my ears open to the shares and literature...the prayers during the meetings....then I leave. I don't give a rat's fanny who is dating who, bedding who, filing for bankruptcy, etc. All I care about is staying sober and I would rather be by myself praying to God and in communion with Him rather than be in the rooms and hear things like "Have you seen such and such? He hasn't been to a meeting in weeks. I hope he is sober" and I can tell you that at so many meetings that is the kind of thing I hear. Even something like that comment which starts off as one of us being concerned about another can be overheard, piece meal by another and turned around to "Well, it's a shame, I heard such and such got stupid and drank again". (.....when alot of times people just go to other meetings).
I am going to be extremely careful about what I tell anyone in AA or elsewhere.....whether it is someone in the meetings or my sponsor. I am going to God or my mom (who I trust more than any other human being) if I have something personal I need to discuss. I am not giving anyone any information about me which I wouldn't tell a whole room full of people, which I think someone said above. I will still be with my sponsor, however will only share basic ordinary things about me...the weather...or the daffodils popping up in spring--"Oh yes! They are so beautiful and so yellow!" --that kind of thing. A sponsor is supposed to be there to help a sponsee work the Steps. After all this, my "steps" are going to be a lot wider from now on. I'll get them done. And if I have to go to a clergy member or a therapist to help me with any of them, I will do whatever it takes. My threshold for bs is extremely low now. I want to live too much to let anything or anyone get in the way.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Thursday 7th of January 2016 01:53:50 PM
What I have been trying to do everyday about those people talking about me behind my back (gossip topic on a previous posting) and the above posting is learn more about myself. I cannot figure them or anyone else out. I have my hands full with my own crazy--I don't need others "crazy" and I need to try and focus on making myself a better person. I was asking so much "Why is this happening?" "What did I do to deserve this treatment?" and living in fear that I was going to drink again. Well, I didn't and I feel great! If that is the only damn thing about myself I feel great about I decided it is enough for me right now! I'M STILL SOBER!!!!!
So for days I have been asking myself "How can I move forward?" "How can I not let this cause me to hurt so much?" "How can I get over it and not let it affect my sobriety?" Well, prayer has helped me tremendously. I feel good when I know that I have a HP (God for me) who loves me and is protecting me. No lies anyone can tell about me are big or great enough to destroy me. No confidences I share to another who doesn't know how to keep that confidence has enough power to even come close to God's power over me. So I go to the meetings thinking "God, thank you for being with me and protecting me" instead of "OMG, who has heard that stuff about me?" The fear is gone. I am alright. And if I can do it, lauramarie, so can YOU!
I am feeling somewhat better. I still feel some hurt. All I can do is try not to be like the ones who do things which hurt me. As long as I keep "my side of the street clean" and try not to hurt others I will be alright. This means that I have to guard my ears from what others may share about others and I have to guard my tongue and not tell things about others to others. I really don't have time to get into game-playing and am extremely serious about my sobriety. I don't want to deal with bs anymore....either my own or others. I go to my meetings, keep my ears open to the shares and literature...the prayers during the meetings....then I leave. I don't give a rat's fanny who is dating who, bedding who, filing for bankruptcy, etc. All I care about is staying sober and I would rather be by myself praying to God and in communion with Him rather than be in the rooms and hear things like "Have you seen such and such? He hasn't been to a meeting in weeks. I hope he is sober" and I can tell you that at so many meetings that is the kind of thing I hear. Even something like that comment which starts off as one of us being concerned about another can be overheard, piece meal by another and turned around to "Well, it's a shame, I heard such and such got stupid and drank again". (.....when alot of times people just go to other meetings).
I am going to be extremely careful about what I tell anyone in AA or elsewhere.....whether it is someone in the meetings or my sponsor. I am going to God or my mom (who I trust more than any other human being) if I have something personal I need to discuss. I am not giving anyone any information about me which I wouldn't tell a whole room full of people, which I think someone said above. I will still be with my sponsor, however will only share basic ordinary things about me...the weather...or the daffodils popping up in spring--"Oh yes! They are so beautiful and so yellow!" --that kind of thing. A sponsor is supposed to be there to help a sponsee work the Steps. After all this, my "steps" are going to be a lot wider from now on. I'll get them done. And if I have to go to a clergy member or a therapist to help me with any of them, I will do whatever it takes. My threshold for bs is extremely low now. I want to live too much to let anything or anyone get in the way.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Thursday 7th of January 2016 01:53:50 PM
Lauramarie,
And it is this emotional pain, which you are now experiencing, which can be the greatest threat to our sobriety. Those others you feel are hurting you are not really "hurting you" unless you give them the power to do so. I sure gave up my power to them!!!! If I didn't have God in my life I would still be giving my power to them. I went to two meetings yesterday and noticed the biggest change in me......first of all I could focus on the words being shared in the meeting, because I can usually hear one or more things applicable to the pain I am going through at that time to help me. The guest speaker shared so much of what I related to and have been going through--this is no accident or coincidence to me. The second meeting I heard more things which I related to and can use. I was so concerned about what other people were thinking about me, I was not able to focus on what other people were sharing in the meetings up until yesterday.
Before, I was hurting too much to think about anything other than what a victim I was. I am not a victim of anybody or anything other than myself....so I was victimizing myself and allowing myself to stay "stuck".
People are people and words are only words...it is like that "sticks and stones" thing we heard as kids. When I wrote that original first post above and many of the others I have done I have been pretty messed up. I wanted to share "Look what else someone 'did' to me!" I was "stuck". And I still am "a mess" although, not as big as one. I am tidying up my mind and replacing those hopeless, depressing thoughts with hopeful, happier ones....and I am doing that by praying to God, everyday, several times a day. I am thanking Him for my Blessings. It is working. The two meetings I went to yesterday, were the first ones I have been to in a while where I was not worried AT ALL about anyone else thinking anything about me. I didn't realize it until after each one and I thought to myself when I did..."Wow! I was in there and not once do I remember thinking and worrying about what others think or are saying about me." Same for last night's meeting. I was peaceful and calm, really serene.....That woman who spread that lie sat two seats from me. I wasn't feeling angry, I wasn't feeling worry and/or anxious. I thought that I sure hope I can feel this way all the time. And I got so much out of both meetings I went to because these overwhelming thoughts, worries and fears were gone! Amazing! I didn't do that--God did that. And I really love my sponsor, who has given her time and love to me to try and help me WORK THE STEPS. My sponsor suggested at our meeting yesterday that I think about going on an anti-depressant. (I had told her that I had taken them in the past). Why? I don't need them. And I told her that right now I am good. I want to feel my feelings and deal with them, give them to God and let Him help me. (I am not saying that others should not be on them --they do help people. I was told by my physician that I have to be careful that addiction I have had problems with doesn't become two.)
Now, what I posted yesterday, I still feel that way. And maybe that "way" sounds "messed up" to some....Guess what? I really don't care what anyone thinks about me. God is still working with me and is not finished yet. He is my ideal "Sponsor"--and I will never find any human who is going to love and care about me like He does. I am putting my total trust and faith in Him.
And, lauramarie...YOU ARE NOT AND WILL NEVER BE ALONE.
Excellent post LTR, ... you had to go through and experience those things and situations to get to where you are right now ... don't ever forget what I said before, God is right beside you, all the time, 24/7 ... He'll never let you down ... it is only when we fail to realize this fact that we 'let ourselves' down ... He never will ...
And the same thing goes with others that have a different HP ... your HP is with you, 24/7 ... maybe it's 'The Force' ... whatever, just so you're aware it really is there ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am looking at the positives of those situations, Pappy. And of all the people who come and go on this board and all the people I have met in the meetings, I do have to say that you have had the most influence on me and my dependence on God. Thank you. I am forever grateful to you.
Love,
ltr
