If I make it to bed tonight without a drink, I'll have 7 months sobriety in the morning. I'm really not considering a drink, but I'm having a bad day and don't really want to talk about it at my home group tonight or to my sponsor, because I know I'm just being a weak snivelin' puss full of selfishness, self pity and maybe some jealousy. I had an 8 year relationship that ended about 5 months ago with a woman who was/is probably the best I'll ever have. The break up was amicable but sad. The relationship was hanging on by a thread for the past 1 1/2 years. I surrendered to my drinking problem and joined my home group largely because I was finally scared to death of losing her. She was supportive for the first 2 months. We even had a weekend getaway 2 weeks before she ended it through text message! of all things. At the time I was actually relieved because I felt her growing colder and I was sliding deeper into depression over it. I had done my 3rd step prayer the day before and wanted to talk to her about where we stood. That's when she cut the last string. I accepted that as my higher power making room for a new chapter. I heard through gossip she had another live in boyfriend about a month later. That stung, but I was working with a rebound partner and it eased the abrasion. I ended my rebound fling because it just felt wrong and getting any more involved was just going to make things more complicated. About 2 weeks ago, I made my 1st 9th step amend to her, over text of course, but I felt I said the right thing. For the following week, I missed her terribly. I prayed and meditated, went back to step 6 and 7 when finally in meditation, I could see my selfish ugliness through her eyes and told her I was sorry and loved her and wished the most happiness for her with her new life (all in meditation, not communicating directly to her). I felt such peace after that. Maybe even serene bliss for the rest of the day. That faded, but I was ok. Then last night, I saw her in walmart. We didn't make eye contact and I don't know if she even saw me, but my heart wrenched. I struggled with the idea of saying Hi or just getting away because her boyfriend might be with her and right or wrong, good or bad, it would just be uncomfortable, so I left....almost. I turned around and tried to find a nonchalant eye contact opportunity to just smile and waive at a distance. I did find her digging into the freezer with her boyfriend standing there, so then I turned and left. Don't know if i was seen or not. I was pretty bummed and went home and prayed for her happiness again and meditated again and went to sleep. I really don't think I'm feeling jealousy, just sadness that I lost my best friend. I feel like I'm in mourning. It's been totally consuming me all day and i can't shake it. Serenity prayer 3rd step prayer, 7th step prayer. I really want to tell her how I feel, but it's probably not right. She probably doesn't care and most likely doesn't want to hear from me. I just can't find the peace to let go. I know I'm being extremely selfish. I'm 47 years old and this sounds like teenage drama. Maybe posting this will get it off my chest. I know this too shall pass, but it sure is taking its time. My home group meets in 2 hours. I can't wait. Thanks for tolerating this poor me baby fit
All my past relationship of drunk were with other who needed help as well. Sabotage is the main course of my relationships. Often it was aquestion of who is going to disappoint who first.
One day I told my sponsor about a similar situation, I told him it was, and will be, the worse day of my life. He laughed and said, "Don't be silly, you'll get worse ones than that!" He made me laugh at my triviality.
Remember, for 47 years years in your life, drama has come and gone, everyone of them has passed. Surely this one will too.
GO TO THE MEETING!
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"... unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of recovery." Dr. Silkworth. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Ed. p.xxix)
Yes, get to the meet'n ... then find a group with an all night meet'n ... there should be one around with a special 'New Years Eve' meet'n ... those are usually quite good ... some will ring in the new year with the Serenity Prayer ... it's really quite inspire'n ...
Above all, do not drink ... and congrats on 7 months, keep up the good work ...
Trouble with the 'heart' is some of THE most hardest times to get through, just put some time between you and her and you'll do fine ... even at your age, there are other women out there wait'n for ya ... take your time and make this one count ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Thursday 31st of December 2015 10:23:21 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you to both of you. I'm definitely going to the meeting and I don't have the slightest interest in a drink. The mental obsession has been lifted, if only temporarily, for a few months now. I'm grateful for this board! I would never express this sort of thing to anyone I know in person. Thanks again to everyone who makes this place possible.
Yes, it's great that this board is here and great that we can share this stuff here. But I strongly encourage you to also continue seeking people in your face to face AA meetings with whom you can also share this kind of stuff. They are there, and there's no reason to forego that kind of support. I encourage you to find it and make good use of it. BTW congrats on another sober day, especially in light of the tough times, and a sincere wish for a Happy New Year.
Gee, that's tough, cwa11is.....breakups are hard and especially so when you have the challenge of doing your best to stay sober. I am so glad that you felt comfortable enough to come to this board and be open and ask for support. It sounds like you are doing so much to help yourself and working the program. Try and continue to do so and also if you don't mind me suggesting to lighten up a bit on yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve and mourn this loss...it's okay to do so. There is nothing babyish about it. Everyone has been where you are involving breakups. I think we all can feel your pain. I sure did. It's hard. You can get through it. It is suggested in AA that we should not get involved in new romantic relationships for at least the first year of sobriety. That is because of what you are going through now. Staying sober is work. New relationships are work. And we are not the same people when we are new in recovery that we will become later on in our recovery. You are staying sober despite this breakup and it is probably because you have been working with a sponsor, attending meetings and praying. Hopefully soon you will be able to discuss this with your sponsor. There is nothing you need to be ashamed of and we should all feel comfortable enough with our sponsors to talk to them openly about things which bother us and especially something like what you are going through now. At 47 or 67, you should not feel that you should have to "act" or "be" a certain way. It is okay to feel and express human emotions, and it is very essential in our recovery that we not try to suppress them.
I hope you will come back and let us know how you are doing. We care.
" Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God."
It seems to be saying that relationship problems are part of life and there outcome is not material to whether we will stay sober or not.
She was in my first go around of step 4. I already did my amend to her. I just have trouble sometimes letting go, BUT today is a new day , so yeah, F$#k her. I'm going to go pick up a 7 month chip at noon. Thanks for all the replies. Today will be better.
Fyne Spirit...I'll share a little more. I was court ordered in '94 to the rooms. I considered myself an atheist, so I shut the door on the whole program the first day I walked in and read steps 2 and 3 on the board. About a year and a half ago, I moved into the agnostic category, because I was considering AA and knew that I had to find something and the entire human race did not come to their beliefs by preachers shoving God down their throat. I walked into my home group 7 months ago with willingness to try anything. I was told I just needed a willingness to believe. That I have. I seek God (I only use that name as a reference to others, I have no name for him, her or whatever it is) everyday and my own concept changes regularly, but it has made a large impact on my life. That is my main share at newcomer meetings. Chapter 4 of the big book means entirely 2 different things when you are forced to read it vs. choosing to read it.
I went from think'n I believed in God to be'n agnostic ... then the more I got involved in AA, the more I could see the evidence of God in most all those who'd recovered ... I opened my eyes to some pretty incredible things happen'n right before my eyes ... no explanation other than 'divine intervention' ... there really was a power greater than me ... control'n much more than just the weather, LOL ... some things are just much deeper than we can possibly understand, and we weren't meant to understand, the Big BB tells us that's the reason for 'faith' ...
And it turns out this is the reason for my post signature at the bottom ...
Congrats on 7 big ones ... way to stick with it ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
