Whew! I am glad this year is almost over. Been some good stuff that has happened and some rough--bad stuff. It is funny/strange that I am the type of person who has always focused on the "bad". I cannot tell you hardly any of the "good" things which have happened over the last year, but I can sure come up with quite a few things I consider "bad". As this year ticks down and the New Year approaches, I am doing like I have always done around this time of year....think about New Year's Resolutions. I have ones in mind. Some are ones which I planned to do for the New Year of 2015 --like starting an exercise program, eating healthier, losing weight and smoking. Well, my exercise plan was short-lived as I only managed to get in a few leg lifts and plenty of arm lifts--unfortunately the arm lifts involved lifting it up while eating and smoking, so all of those "resolutions" I made were a bust except for a couple of months when I was able to get off of the cigs.
The bad things......I have posted quite a few of the things which I thought at the time were "bad" to me....the disappointing friendships, situation with my daughter unchanged, etc. They are in the past now and I am going to try and flush them away. There are plenty of them to overflow my mental "john" and make it upchuck in disgust. Just about every facet of my life in my mind was "crappy" so my thinking was "crappy" as well. I managed to stay sober throughout a good part of the year so AA was working for me to a degree....however, I believe God helped me more as well as my mom, the very few true friends I have and me taking advantage of this board.
I have decided that the only resolution I am going to have for 2016 is to work on continuing to stay sober. Although I know that there are mean-spirited miserable people in the world who would love to see me fail. I now realize that they have huge issues in their lives and instead of working hard to improve the quality and satisfaction of their own lives, they take the easy way out and try to destroy the lives of others. I'll never understand why they are like the way they are and have the need to do that. I am not sure I really want to understand them. I almost let them win and destroy me. I was ready to quit AA and did relapse not long ago. I managed to stop drinking and get back in. Then "bam!" something else happens and I thought about throwing my hands up in the air and drinking again. I got to meetings and with the help of again, God, my sponsor, this board and its posters and my mom, I think I am going to be alright. In this area, I have no close friends, but I am okay with that. I just don't want to drink again, and I think my chances of staying sober are better if I don't worry about who likes me and who doesn't and I stop worrying so damn much about what other people think of me. So I think those things which happened maybe are not totally "bad". I am still down and may just need some time, but deep inside me I feel a sense of peace and a knowing feeling that I am going to be alright. I feel stronger and more determined than ever to be a "winner" --one who has integrity--is honest and does the right thing instead of a "loser" who is dishonest and tries to destroy the lives of others.
-- Edited by hopefulone on Sunday 20th of December 2015 01:49:33 PM
Wow H1 a year in a post. It really does sound like you have had a difficult year. 2016 will soon be here and I hope it brings you everything you want. I will keep track of your progress and draw strength from your posts all the best
Hi Fenners... I am trying to learn that a problem --or at least a great majority of problems-- are only as great as I choose to make them. I overthink things to death and that has been a real problem with me. Which is evident in my many and long-winded posts, I know. I read on the internet that gossip in AA has caused people to quit AA and drink again. I thought about doing that. I didn't. My sponsor is wonderful. We met and talked and she took me to a meeting the other day after I heard the crap someone was spreading about me. Then she suggested another meeting which she thought would be helpful the next day. I went. Then she called today and we talked for a good while and gave me some more good suggestions. I have talked to my mom, my spicey 80 year old mom, who has more sense in her pinkie than I probably have in my whole body when it comes to relationships. And of course I have come to this board and vented. (sorry guys!) And I have been looking up things in the Big Book which have been helpful as well as a book by Joyce Meyers, an inspirational religious author. I'm ready to let this one go and "let God".
And I feel so much better now. I am still sober. This person didn't "win". I won. I got my power back. Yayyyy for me! I'm happy again.
-- Edited by hopefulone on Sunday 20th of December 2015 06:45:53 PM
you just reminded me of that wonderful feeling I had in the early days. Things weren't exactly peachy, I still has a lot of work to do, but deep down was that feeling "at last, I am on the right track. It's gonna be alright".
