Questioning my decisionb

thywillbedonegmh · Newbie

Questioning my decisionb

hopefulone · Senior Member

I relapsed and my sponsor couldn't work with me anymore. It was his decision. I went through a brief period of grief after he did this. I completely understand now and we get along great when I see him. He did everything he could to help me. I have a new sponsor now who I feel more comfortable with and can open up more to. It was a meant to be for me.
BTW....I would never try to talk anyone into continuing to work with me if they say they cannot. In my opinion, that is very manipulative....like alot of us are in the rooms. I respected my sponsor's decision.

-- Edited by hopefulone on Saturday 12th of December 2015 05:28:48 PM

davep12and12 · MIP Old Timer

Since 'what she is doing with her life' is obviously still just self-destructive self-will run riot, and since she is not willing to take simple and basic contrary action and do anything OTHER than this self -destructive self-will run riot, she is not ready to begin taking the steps yet. How could she possible complete step one and admit that her life was unmanageable when she is still adamantly basing her life only on her own self-will, regardless of the obvious detrimental consequences that have resulted from doing so? No, what she said did not make sense, and you did the right thing. That's my two cents.

Zoomtopz · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP "Thy Will be Done"

We carry the message , NOT the alcoholic .

Sometimes we Need to look more at helping ourSELF , than , trying

to help somebody who does Not want to listen to our Simple message.

I wish You & your sponsee well . Whatever , both your decisions are.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP gmh, ...

Well, from your basic description of the situation, if it had been me, I'd have had a long talk with her ... in this talk, I'd have asked her if she feels like her life is unmanageable? ... depend'n on her answer, I'd ask if she feels like she's had enough and wants to stay sober ... then I'd give her one last chance, I'd ask if she is will'n to follow a few simple suggestions, if not, then I'd say I cannot help you if you are unwilling to listen ... it's her choice ... she must show signs of want'n sobriety ...

Good luck, love you and God Bless,
Pappy

thywillbedonegmh · Newbie

Thank you all who took the time and responded to my post. I stumble upon this website when I was googling other peoples experiences as a sponsor. I am in Phoenix Arizona and of course my sponsor and my foundation all know my dilemma with my sponsee, and I have done several geographics to get sober in both Atlanta, Georgia and Orange County, California and I vaguely remember someone mentioning this website, several years later, here I am, been sober by the Grace of God since 12-24-14. I think its amazing that people from all over can response to this. Thank you again for your time and sharing your thoughts and suggestions. I hope to soon get to know all y'all.

Gina-Marie

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Well, Welcome again Gina-Marie, ...

AND, an early CONGRATS on your upcome'n Sober Birthday ... wow, one year, who'd have thought??? ...

Just wanted to say thanks for work'n with a sponsee even though it didn't turn out as you would have wanted it to ... most of us have 'been there, done that' ... and the most important thing I learned, was, it ain't my fault if my sponsee just cannot not drink ... they simply haven't had enough pain yet ... and when this does occur, and it will, then maybe they'll throw their hands up and surrender to the 'solution' ...

With your upcoming BD, obviously you are do'n things, or most things, right ... and I know you're anxious to give back and help others to recover ... don't stop do'n that, it took my 3rd sponsee before I saw success in help'n someone turn their life around ... besides, you do this to help yourself also, and it works ...

By the way, I just moved from the Atlanta area 2 years ago, to Tenn. ... ... ...

Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy

emmi331 · Veteran Member

I would have done exactly what you did. The Big Book acknowledges that there are some who are simply unwilling while you are trying to work with them, and that in such cases it's best to move on to those who need you. And there are those who are simply "constitutionally incapable", those who cannot get honest about themselves. At this point you cannot know which she is, but I do know that sponsees like this can drain the life out of you. All you can do is share what's worked for you and hope a sponsee will pick up the tools of sobriety. It sounds like you have done everything you could; hold her in your thoughts and prayers, but there are too many others who need your help, so it's time indeed to let her go.

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

thywillbedonegmh wrote:
I have had a sponsee for about 6 months now. She made it to 90 days and relapsed. Her behavior was showing way before the relapse, stealing from stores, having sex with any guy that paid attention to her, being kicked out of rehab. I would suggest many things and bring her right back to the book. Nothing seemed to stop her self will. She is clearly "not finished" She got out of detox a couple days ago and into a soberliving and now she has made the decision to get her own apartment because she doesnt "trust the people she lives with". I told her she should not take her parents money to pay for this apartment and that it is not a good idea. She is doing it anyway and in the same behaviors.
I made the painful decision to fire her today. I did this with love. She has not taken any direction from me and continues to run on selfwill with several relapses. Today I told her that I am doing a diservice to her by continuing to sponsor her. She will not take simple direction and I feel as though I am of no help to her if she is unwilling to take suggestion. She quickly fired back saying "what I am doing with my life should not determine if you take me through the steps or not"

What she said did make sense, however i feel like i made the right decision.
Any thoughts or enlightening me would be greatly appreciated

Welcome to this discussion forum, gmh.

Why were her finances of concern to you? Why did you have an opinion about her parents' money? Should sponsors be worried about such things?

Congrats on your anniversary.

hopefulone · Senior Member

Tanin makes a good point. Maybe you are trying too hard OP. Here is an excerpt from a link Do's and Don'ts of Choosing a Sponsor:

DO Establish and Respect Boundaries
A sponsor is another addict in recovery who is willing to share their experience. They are not an expert in all things. Do not rely on your sponsor for legal, financial, employment or relationship advice outside the scope of the 12-Step program. If they try to provide this type of advice, meddle in your personal life, make specific demands for your thinking or behavior, or try to convince you that they have all the answers, find a new sponsor. Do not, under any circumstances, get romantically involved with your sponsor. This is a set-up for relapse. Protect yourself by choosing a sponsor of the gender youre not attracted to."
www.promises.com/articles/relapse-prevention/choosing-a-sponsor/

thywillbedonegmh · Newbie

i was thinking of the amends process, however, GREAT point.. its none of my business

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

thywillbedonegmh wrote:
I made the painful decision to fire her today. I did this with love. She has not taken any direction from me and continues to run on selfwill with several relapses. Today I told her that I am doing a diservice to her by continuing to sponsor her. She will not take simple direction and I feel as though I am of no help to her if she is unwilling to take suggestion. She quickly fired back saying "what I am doing with my life should not determine if you take me through the steps or not"
What she said did make sense, however i feel like i made the right decision.
Any thoughts or enlightening me would be greatly appreciated

What she said makes sense to me too. A bit unorthodox, but quite logical.

You could have continued to take her through the steps, even if you did not like her behaviors. It could work if you were both willing.

Your decision can work, too. Letting her get another sponsor seems like an appropriate conclusion. So, my view is that you made a "right decision" from a set of viable decisions. It's important to not fall in the "there is only ONE solution" trap.

You done good, gmh.

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

She makes sense to me too. In taking the steps we are aiming for a spiritual experience which will change our behaviour. The book talks about a change of personality sufficient to overcome alcoholism, and a profound alteration in our reaction to life. These happen as the result of the steps. You sometimes hear we take the steps to recover, not the other way around. The alcoholic mind is removed through the steps, just coming to AA and starting the steps does not bring about a completely sane, mature and logical mind right at the start. Neither does it guarantee sobriety through the process. Look at Dr Bob. He took all the steps (as they were then) but refused to do what we now know as step 9. He stayed sober a few weeks, then got drunk, then came back and took step 9 and never drank again.

My own experience was that I had a sponsor who let me make my own mistakes, then helped me learn from them. I cannot remember him giving me any advice, especially on life decisions, other than to pray about whatever it was. He knew that I, much like your sponsee, was going to do just as I pleased regardless of what he said. It was a characteristic of my drinking years that I often received what I knew to be good advice, but I was never able to carry it out. "I cannot understand my own behaviour. I set out to do the things I want to do, but end up doing the things that I hate, for though the will to do good is in me, the performance is not".

Early on, driven by selfish instincts for sex and security (not love and romance) I got into this horrendous relationship. My sponsor bit his tongue. A few weeks later I was kicked out, then there was quite an aftermath, recriminations and resentment. My sponsor was there to help me learn from that mistake, and it was one of the most valuable experiences of my sobriety. It brought in God, amends, recognition of my part, reconciliation and healing, and of course forgiveness. It was a painful time, but you see if my sponsor had said "don't do that!" I would have done it anyway but would have felt unable to go to him when it all went wrong. I would have lost my sponsor.

I behaved that way because I was still suffering from untreated alcoholism. I had not yet undergone a spiritual experience, I was living the only way I knew how. But but but I was willing to work those steps. Sobriety was my number one priority, and I never lost sight of the fact that those steps were my only path to permanent recovery. To that end I needed my sponsor, and he was wise enough to make sure nothing got in the way of him helping me through the steps, especially my alcoholism.

I made lots of mistakes like that, and found, with my sponsors help, that I could learn from mistakes, rather than drink over them. My feeling is, based on my own experience and the fact that I recovered in spite of a lot of stupid decisions on my part, that your sponsee needs someone to help her through the steps. After that it is up to God what happens.

designer · Member

Your decision to fire her as a sponsee has everything to do with you and not with her, and I think you should let her know that. I also think you should do step work on your decision to fire her, and make sure you did so because the sponsor-sponsee relationship was unhealthy for you or for her, and not because of pride (e.g. she didn't respect your advice or a need to control/ run the whole show. I had a teenage sponsee that got kicked out of rehab, and I did not fire her. She is still sober but she is working steps with someone else because of scheduling issues. I was fired by a sponsor I had in early sobriety because I got a ride home from a meeting from a guy, and this sponsor felt that was too insubordinate. I felt totally abandoned and worthless at the time, but I didn't drink and got a better sponsor. That was 5 years ago. I'm still sober. I have "fired" one sponsee. The reason was because she was in what I deemed to be an abusive relationship. It was too stressful for me, meeting her in secret, worrying she'd get hurt or that her bf (who I never met) would cause drama. I told her she had to get a new sponsor or leave the abusive relationship because I couldn't handle it, and because I cared and worried about her to the point it was unhealthy for me if she was in the relationship. She chose the abusive boyfriend. I never saw her again. As far as sober living houses, they are dangerous and they are not physically or emotionally safe living environments. I lived in one. There were drugs brought into the house, a roommate that attempted suicide in our house, relapsed roommates trying to get the sober ones kicked out, and fights. She might have made a very healthy choice to leave the sober living house, depending on how that particular house is. I hope your sponsee has found a new sponsor. Perhaps she wants my number?

Db1105 · Senior Member

I suggest you read AAWS's pamphlet 'Questions and Answers on Sponsorship'. You can read it online here: http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf